Home again

I never realised I would feel such a sudden sense of sadness at the moment of departure, but I did. Jacob looked so innocent (though s times he's far from it...). Moments earlier, he sat in the back of the car with me as brother drove me to the airport. He pretended to sleep, pretended to snore loudly, and I would then have a peek at me and burst out in laughter. Adorable, simply the cutest, and I felt sorry to leave him (even though at times he can be very difficult and whiny...). 

In many ways, he is like my brother, or at least I can see beginnings of being like my brother.... Bossy, demanding, wanting to be in control and tell everyone what to do. My sisterinlaw and I talked about this and joked how she has to pander to two people who are so alike...

It's been only two weeks having them around, and admittedly there were times  that were unbearable (like the condescending way my brother talks down to me and treats me, and the way that he tuts and shakes his head when I have a difference of opinion...) But at goodbye, I gave him a hug, and patted his arms  as I told him to take good care to take care of his health and body. Despite conflicts and difficulties between us, we are still siblings, and the loss of our parents and the birth of my nephew has certainly brought us closer together.

At one instance,when he opened his wallet to pick out his credit card. I saw inside a pocket, he had placed a picture of mum. He misses mum, I know he does, but I never realised how much (still?), and have just assumed my grief and pain is so personal and are not shared. Like dad before him, brother is not one to express his feelings or emotions. Perhaps they think that is being week, perhaps they believe some things are best unsaid and they'd prefer to suffer in silence... But seeing that picture of mum made me realise more brings us (my brother and me ) together than divides us, even more than the distance between us and the turbulent history behind us. 

I stepped into my apartment and in the laundry basket were the sheets and duvet covers that they used but have not been washed. In the washroom were their towels. In the spare  bedroom was the balloon I laid on the bed to welcome them to Canada, and the bag of Reeses pieces I bought as a welcome gift. 

My cat miauwed and welcomed me home as she lay lazily on the foldable sofa bed my brother slept on.

Home again. Home alone again...

Life update

Been a struggle being home alone since my brother and his family were here. For two weeks, you get so quickly used to the presence of others, to having breakfast together, to cooking together, to the constant laughter and sounds of banging made by my nephew. You get so used to all that... Suddenly, silence. 

Fortunately, a friend called me yesterday afternoon and asked if I wanted to go with him to spot planes next to the runway. I was reluctant at first, but was I glad I did in the end. Watching those powerful machines land and take off, land and tak off on their way from/to far flung lands filled me with joy.

My friend told me my parents would be so happy and so proud, so peaceful, knowing that my brother and his family came and knowing the lengths I went to make them feel welcome. Whatever tensions and feuds we had, there are bygones. Important are the memories we made together, and memories of seeing them so happy and seeing their eyes light up at the sight of the lakes, the mountains, the wilderness and bears. Important is that I bonded with my nephew and made him more part of my life, and that he made me more part of his life. 

I got home last night and started to work on articles that need to be finalised for publication. Two more weeks till it all has to be put together and printed, and yet one more article is missing. I've asked for it long ago, for i don't want a repeat of last years experience where I had to stay till close to midnight several days at the office just trying to finish off the work and meet the deadline... It drains me so. And I want to start early so I can control the time, especially given I've got a teaching assignment on the side now. 

Then I got messages from a friend I met some months ago. Distressed messages , pleas for help. The guy's been having tensions at home, and his parents want him out of the house. He doesn't have anywhere to go, and asked if I could him stay a while till he finds a place and gets back on his feet. 

I'm reluctant, but a friend in need is a friend indeed?

Return to Lake Louise

Seeing these mountains, reminds me the first time I saw them back in 2011. It was with mum, the trip of her lifetime perhaps...

There's a Crow crowing on the spruce tree behind me, and the mountains are reflected in the emerald waters of the lake before me. This is paradise, this is where mum sat on the lake shore and told me how peaceful she was, even though at the time she was occasionally, or perhaps constantly, tormented by the pain and suffering of her growing cancer. 

I saw it as a "mission" to bring her moments of peace and being able to forget. Forget that's she's in pain, forget that soon it will be the end of her life. I sought to make her remember, remember how life is so beautiful, how in the end everything is worth it and has much meaning. 

When she told me that she sat on the lakeshore and thought of nothing (there's even a picture of that... A hauntingly beautiful picture of her small figure against the backdrop of the beautiful lake and mountains...), I knew I had somewhat succeeded. 

Yesterday, my brother and sister-in-law sat on the lakeahore, almost the exact location where mum was. They seemed to be contemplative, reflective as they looked out at the lake... Perhaps they imagined what mum was looking at. Perhaps somewhere in the lake were ripples that contain her memories ("mumories") and her life beyond this world. 

This air, this wind, this whispering of the wind. Mum is gone, but the presence of her absence fills us still.