Aunt's visit to my new place

Last week, my aunt (mum's cousin) visited me in Montreal, and this week her tour ended up in Toronto (where they are scheduled to fly out in a couple of hours...). I coordinated with her, for I knew she would spend some time in the city and do some sightseeing here, and I asked her to take some time out to come see my new place. She happily agreed. Goodness it has already been over two months since we first talked about today's plans, and the day came.

I met up with her at the base of the CN Tower, where she had a nice lunch. I took her to see my new, as yet unfurnished condo. And she was happy for me. She liked the brightness of it all, the spaciousness of the living room, the fact that there is a lovely old church building next door, and how conveniently located (and yet quiet) the building is in the downtown area. She walked around every room and inspected everything carefully, giving me ideas on how to decorate, things to bear in mind (feng shui matters, of course!), telling me all about the importance of positioning of the bed (not under a beam; not in front of a door), the furnace (stove; never in sight as soon as you enter, for the stove is the 'deposit' of wealth) , the sofa (must have a wall to have some kind of 'backing'; never in empty space in the middle of the room)... She took  a few moments to stand on my balcony and admire the view, which was particularly glorious on this sunny day.

We spent the afternoon together, walking around and I showed her a bit of downtown before going to the waterfront and buying some souvenirs to take home. We waited at the restaurant where she was supposed to rejoin her tour group and head to the airport. That was about half an hour ago.

I left the restaurant with a heavy, weighty heart and for several moments after our goodbye felt like crying. She and mum look alike (except the auntie is a bit shorter), and the way she speaks reminds me also of mum... In many ways, she is like her, and she even says she and mum were so very close. They were practically sisters, even though they were cousins, because my auntie doesn't have a sister and looked to my mum as her older sister. The bond was so tight, so strong...

"You have to take good care of yourself, you are on your own now..." she said. She held me as she said that. That really struck a cord in my heart. Her eyes were shimmering. That really hit a button that could have so easily unleashed some tears.

I walked home, to the condo I own, put music in my ears and walked through the busy streets and brights lights of the city. It felt so cold, so very cold suddenly.

I walked into the apartment. It was dark. The only light were the dim light of the city in the background.
 And even though the place I know is pretty much unfurnished (odd chair and table here and there...), it felt all the more empty. That emptiness really pulls at the heart strings.

Really does.

Sleepless night

I lie in bed and cannot sleep. Last night, I could hardly sleep from the excitement of preparing for my lecture. I am exhausted, but I just stir as soon as I am about to sleep...

I called "home" and spent some time chatting on the phone with the monk in the mountains I turn to in times of difficulties. I emptied my emotions, described how more or less since visiting Europe and my brother last month, I have been so disturbed and sleep deprived.  much to do with work-induced stress, but much also attributed to this renewed sense of nostalgia and missing induced by the holidays (mid Autumn). And then there's been that added element of uncertainty, of the impending big change in my life to come. I have just been agitated, diaturbed...

All these thoughts, all these images, these conversations being replayed in my head. I feel tortured by the lack of sleep, and this will no doubt affect again how I feel and how well/poorly I function in the day.

What's wrong...? How come I cannot sleep? I so want to sleep.... I so want real rest, sweet rest of my body, my mind, my soul without me being disturbed by dreams, images, fears and doubts...

end before it started

The end before it started

Just like that, it ended. Not the care and affection we feel for one another, because we both agree we enjoy each other's company and that we have a lot of fun talking and in and out of bed. But that is not enough, not for him. And he didn't want to mislead me or lead me on. He wanted to be honest with me, to be truthful, to prevent more and deeper hurt later on as feelings develop and as time went on. He is just not that into me, not as much as I am into him anyways.

It sucks. It does. Part of me feels hurt, deeply hurt, like another episode of abandonment and another harsh blow I have to deal with and cope with after so many storms and losses in my life over the past few years. But I MUST dissociate him telling me that he just does not feel that spark with me from everything else that has been happening in my life. They are not related, even though the small and hurt psyche in me may feel like I am like a victim and is for some reason being "punished" with lonelyness and abandonment. I am not being punished. I am simply living life, simply weather storm after storm as all people do in life, even though it may appear that other people have it so much easier than I do.... We all have it as it is, nothing less, nothing more.

We hugged. Twice. Tightly. It was hard to know when to let go, and I did not let go before he did, or at least suggested he was letting go. I felt a lot of passion and affection, but that may be accentuated and masked by my desire to fulfil a void in me that was left behind by the loss of my mum. That got me wondering, particularly after that deep conversation we had after a very passionate session last week. But I knew, somehow, after a response from an email I wrote him after that night, that the feelings were not mutual, and that perhaps he would want to cool it off. And I was right.

He showed up suddenly by ringing the bell tonight. I had just finished dinner and was sitting in the living room floor watching TV. He came in, I got all excited and expectant. We talked about our weekend. And then came the reality. And it hit hard. An hour or so ago, he cryptically asked how long it has been since we last met. But he was fishing for how I feel. I answered back: "Either you miss me a lot, or you do not miss me at all". I thought that was a clever response, and of course I wanted it to the former. But it was the latter.

He has fun and enjoys my company, but not to the depth and degree as I do. It was clear, I imagine, after that email I wrote him expressing and laying bare my feelings toward him. It was good, in a way, and I have to remind myself of this and rationally deal with this (loss it loss, feelings are feelings, nothing more, nothing less... I was alone before I met him, I am alone and living my live after he made clear things are not the way as I wish/want them to be).

He showed up at my door. I was surprised, and expectant. But hhe reality hit. It was not as I imagined it would be. He had to come clean. He is one, and that makes him all the more special, because he cares and cares about how I feel, to not hide or conceal and wants to be frank and upright and does not wish to live with guilt or the burden of misleading someone or leading someone on.

I was so reluctant to let him go, but let him go I must... I was reluctant because I felt like crying, falling and breaking apart, and I was scared to be alone, to be by myself and not knowing how to feel, how to act, what to do, afraid to lie in bed and be awake and sleepless. But what about him? How does he feel? How would he feel? I am sure I have done the same with others, I am sure I have rejeted others and made them feel dejected and unwanted, even though I did not intend it.

So we parted on good terms. I said I will miss him, miss his company and warmth. He said he would miss me and would leave to me whether we would meet and under what circumstances. It's not like he is going away or dying, but it feels the premature end of something before it even started...

It hurts, it sure does.

But I will survive. I must. I will. 

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