27 July 2006

Incest...again : (

Yet another shocking story of sexual abuse within the family. A girl was sexually abused by four people: her dad, her brother (who was a minor at the time), a family friend and an uncle. It took place when she was five and lasted around five years. The mother did not know.

“Tong kissing, touching, oral sex again and again, attempts to penetrate the body, the whole spectrum of sexual acts the child had to endure possibly hundreds of times by her father and brother, in some cases even by them both at the same time.”

The brother caught the father ‘in the act’ once, and the father actually encouraged the brother to be involved in the abuse. “Absolutely shocking” [ronduit schokkend] the court said.

The father was sentenced to 3 years (1 year conditional), and the brother 1 year (7 months conditional). The father himself was sexually abused. They will both be treated for their “sexual disorder”.

This makes me sick…How can people do this kind of thing to their own children? The girl was mentally retarded as well, and the father and (to some extent) the brother abused her to satisfy their own sexual desires. Sick! I do not care if the father was sexually abused before; so was I but I would never ever do the same thing to another person! I know how it affects a person emotionally and physically, how abuse can tear your soul out of you and leave you dehumanised and lost like you're dead. I know how much it hurts. So saying you were abused to justify your abusive behaviour is just weak!


All grown up and getting married...

Received a wedding invitation from a friend.

Well, perhaps more than a friend, since we had "something" together at uni in London. He lived in my dorm, and was the first person to talk to me. We found out about each other through a agame of 'truth or dare'. I dared him to take a cookie in his mouth and share it with someone. He chose me, and our lips met for the first time.

He was probably the first person I met that loved me (or so he said), and my "first". We shared many things, experiences (even the very unpleasant ones), and are very much alike in character. He wanted to "go deep", but I wasn't ready. He took the rejection badly, and we never did become serious as a couple after that. Though we did stay close throughout the years, even when he went abroad to study.

Sometimes we'd just sit and chat, about this and that, philosophise about life and the sorry state of the world today, about things that happened to us in the past (even the terrible things), about the meaning of life. I miss those conversations.

I helped him through a lot of difficult times, and most of all out of suicide. Once I took him to the hospital to have him 'quarantined' because it had gotten that bad. He held my hand, and I held his. People at the hospital and the police who eventually came probably thought we were together, but really we were just close. Some nights he would call me and tell me how he wanted someone to be close to. And I'd ride the night bus to his place. We'd just hug and do nothing else, and fall asleep that way. He needed that, a lot. And I guess I did too. I miss that too.

Once, as we were hugging in bed, he asked me if I felt anything. I think my reply was 'no'. Or at least 'not really'. I mean it's difficult to hold someone and be that intimate and not feel anything. But I never did initiate anything. I was his confidant, his shoulder to lean and cry on, and his trust. I could never abuse that. I held myself back, because I didn't want to take advantage of him at his most vulnerable. He had been hurt enough as a child, and needn't be hurt more. I understood that well. I went through the same.

But he turns out to be bi, or I think he was just 'experimenting'. I'm glad for him that he's found the love of his love and is getting married. He really needs that, and I've seen him grow from being very sad and suicidal to being happy (or at least happier) and (more) confident. I guess a relationship helps. In loving you, I love me.

Yes, the 'other' is a girl. He did say he always wanted to settle down and start a family, children. And I knew that all along. I met the couple when they came over to visit me two years ago, and I've not seen them since.

I want to attend, since it'll be a chance to see him again, and visit the UK. Not been there since I graduated, and to be honest kind of missing it. Most of all, missing him too.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I do have feelings for him...and now that he's getting married it'll be pointless if I still do. I do think about him from time to time, and wonder how he's been doing. And I guess that's about it. Or am I just suppressing feelings, like I do so well?

Not sure.

You know who you are...
and I guess you'll always occupy a special place in my life.

Oh....wow!

Just been invited for an interview at a 'very important organisation for international criminal justice'. I'm not going to say which organisation just yet... but I guess smart people out there can figure out themselves. They say they want someone like me with a background in Asian and African studies. My SOASian years fit perfectly into that criteria, and so does my internship two years ago!

So far, it's all "hush, hush", not even my parents know. I don't like people to get excited and then disappointed about nothing.

IF I'm successful, I could be starting an internship there for the next half a year. Would definitely be a big step up for my career (in what I'm not sure yet...).
I've been really hoping to get a reply from them, and sort of gave up after what's almost been four months of waiting...but just then a surprise hits you when you least expect it.

Gay minister

Just found out that the Dutch Minister of Economic Affairs, Joop Wijn, is openly gay. That’s a first here, and more surprising since he’s from the Christian Democratic Party (CDA). He’s young, has had an impressive career as an investment banker, liberal-minded and…well, good-looking too! Some even see him as the successor of the current prime minister.

“This is a stimulus for other homosexual and lesbian women in high positions to be open about their orientation. […] The number of openly homosexual lawmakers and deputies is still low, and countrywide until now there have only been a few secretaries of state who are openly homosexual. The appointment of Joop Wijn as minister breaks through that and with that it [sets an example for] homosexual men and lesbian women that it is possible to have a normal political career in public office.”
Frank van Dalen, chairman of gay-interest group COC

When parliament was discussing the legalisation of homosexual marriage in 2000, Joop was one of the few in his Christian Democratic Party to argue for it. A party elder said of him: “Joop may be homosexual, he is however a family man.” (VN, 29-07-2006)

26 July 2006

Loving you, loving me: Kitty green eyes

So sweeeeeeeet! : )




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Loving you, loving me: Lady in red

Wonderful song by Chris de Burgh. Please click on the link to listen.

Lady in red

Chris de Burgh © 1986 A&M Records

I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright,
I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance,
They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance,
And I have never seen that dress you're wearing,
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes,
I have been blind;

The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,
There's nobody here, it's just you and me,
It's where I want to be,
But I hardly know this beauty by my side,
I'll never forget the way you look tonight;

I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright, you were amazing,
I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side,
And when you turned to me and smiled, it took my breath away,
And I have never had such a feeling,
Such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight;

The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,
There's nobody here, it's just you and me,
It's where I want to be,
But I hardly know this beauty by my side,
I'll never forget the way you look tonight;

I never will forget the way you look tonight...
The lady in red, the lady in red,
The lady in red, my lady in red,

I love you...

Loving you, loving me Ch11: Deliver me

Such a beautiful song...always feel so uplifted when I hear it.


Deliver me

Sarah Brightman© 1998 Eastwest Records

Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.

All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me,
Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.

All of my life I was in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me,
Oh deliver me.
Won't you deliver me.


25 July 2006

24 July 2006

Loving you, loving me Ch10

The new chapter at Nifty and GA is now online.
Please scroll down for pictures and more that go with this part of the story.

It's already chapter 10 of the story, which is a lot further than I thought the story would go when I first started writing.

So far I've gotten lots of positive feedback on how good the story is, and how a lot of people are really enjoying the story (so far). Thanks to those who wrote and for their comments. Problem is I hear how good the story is, but not how bad. I mean it would help if people would also offer suggestions on how to improve the writing, development, plot etc.

I got a very useful comment from someone who said I start thinking about rounding the story up slowly, because frankly stories with more than 20chapters are 'off putting' and "same ole, same ole".

See, some suggestion like that really helps. Hope people can come up with more!

Happy reading! : )

Please, NOOO........!

I shuddered and felt so sick when I heard the news on the radio.

A girl who, is now 7 years old, was regularly "raped and forced to [engage in] active sex" by her mother, grandpa and brother. It began when she was just four years old, and lasted around a year. Fortunately she has now been taken up by social workers. The brother was also just a kid when it happened. The public prosecutor has started a case against the perpetrators.

Disgusting!
WHY DO THESE KIND OF THINGS HAPPEN?!?!?! Do people have no decency?? Do they not think about how much damage these kinds of traumatic (s)experiences can do to a child?? It's pure evil at it's worst. Dispicable! These people should be put in jail and left to rot for the rest of their 'unnatural' lives!!!

It's heart-wrenching to imagine what the girl must have gone through. And at such a young age too. Childhood is supposed to be a time of play, of innocence, of warmth and love. But she, and so many others, had to undergo so much pain, so much humiliation, trauma and abuse at such a young age... I could cry and cry thinking about it...

I'm trembling still, and feeling it more and more to breathe ....Anger, frustration, pain, fear--a whole host of emotions, powerful and strong, are going through me now....
To be honest, these kind of reports awaken hidden memories that I long thought had been banished from my mind. But it's moments and events like this that remind me time and again that I too was a victim. And believe you me when I say that it hurts....it really does. And how scary it is to feel this way..... Nobody can imagine....

I can't write anymore.....

Hugs, kisses and holding hands

My cousin and his wife who came to visit two weeks ago returned from Paris this weekend. They had a great time, but were exhausted. As expected, they loved that Parisian atmosphere of grandeur, broad avenues brimming with life and culture, the rich history and past that seem to be etched in every cobble-stoned road. And I’ve not yet mentioned the obvious attractions like Versailles, Eiffel Tower or the Arc de Triomph. If you’ve been to Paris, you’ll understand what I mean.

We went to the beach on Saturday evening, and watched the sunset together. ‘We’, included the cousin, his wife, my brother and his girlfriend. It’s been years since I last went to the beach with so many people…and I realised perhaps it was a ‘mistake’. Not that it wasn’t fun…just, they were both couples, and I was the ‘odd one out’, literally the fifth wheel which made the group a little awkward.

What made me awkward were the hugs, kisses, hand-holding. Sure, the sunset was romantic, the weather was warm, and the beach was empty, except for other couples hugging, kissing and holding hands…but I couldn’t do any of that, since, alas, I have no one. I tried not to look and not to be affected when the two couples were ‘intimate’, but it’s hard. Somehow I wanted to look, because I wanted to know what it was to be in a relationship, wanted to remind myself what I’m missing and have missed for the past couple of years since my last. But a part of me hurt when I looked, because that part kept on saying to me that it’s pointless to just want to have someone, and that chances are I’ll probably be alone for a long, long time to come.

A day earlier I went to the beach alone for the firework display. There were plenty of people around, and never have I seen the beach so full at night. I walked past the crowd, and felt a little awkward as I did. Everyone seemed to be with someone, and I was there all alone, walking, walking, while everyone either stood still or sat on the sand. I felt like people were watching me, judging me, and perhaps thinking why I was alone. A loner with no one to talk to, no one to share the miraculous display of fireworks, to share in the few moments of beauty, awe and mind-tantalising show of flashes and sparks. There were plenty of young people like me, probably around my age. I heard them laugh, joke and talk…I couldn’t hear what they were saying exactly, but their laughs sounded like they were laughing at me. They seemed to be talking about me. And I felt really uncomfortable. More and more so the longer I stayed there.

As I boarded an over-full tram home, I stood with my back turned to a bunch of cute guys. In the window I could see the reflection of their beautiful faces, tanned and built-up bodies. I never turned around to look at them directly, just peeped and stole glances at them in the reflection of the window. Perhaps it was the way they looked, or the way they were looking at me, but I felt so out of place, ugly and stupid, while everybody else looked gorgeous, confident and outgoing. It was a short trip, probably not more than ten minutes, but it seemed like hours as I stood there, hearing them laugh and joke with one another. It was busy, and there was a lot of chattering, so I couldn’t really hear what they were saying…but again, like on the beach, their laughter and chattering seemed to be directed at me… like I, and my loneliness, my ugliness, was the object of ridicule…

How can I be like this? So insecure, so self-loathing, and so anti-social? I so much long for human contact, for someone I could talk to, and listen to, and share deep moments and experiences with. But I go from day to day, place to place, still looking, still searching, and always lost.

Loving you, loving me: Ch 10 at the park



I looked at the children playing in the playground in the distance [...]

-- -- -- -- --
I didn’t answer, but just stared at my feet, which shuffled the dirt around my shoes. I wasn’t sure what I was trying to build, if anything, with my feet and the little dirt under the green bench we were sitting on, but it kept me occupied. The face of the bench bore markings left by people who felt it necessary to leave their mark for all to see. There were the expected swear words, and rude doodles. But in the confusion of tipex and permanent marker pens a number of genuine, heart-felt declarations shone through.




A young boy screamed with excitement as he dove down the slide. The centerpiece of the playground was a house with a slide, ladders, holes and ropes to climbon. A magical place, where children’s fantasies, dreams and imaginations met in a world in which they could play the hero, or the villain, or both.

Naked rees around us held their bare arms up high, like silent men and women reaching for the heavens in prayer.


A little creek flowed silently by, mirroring the confusion of branches looming over it.
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Loving you, loving me: Ch 10 at the beach

Gray water merged with the darkening dusk sky and together formed one unbroken canvas in different tones and colours. Splashes of orange, yellow and magenta hue spread across horizon, and around where the sun shyly hid the clouds were coated with bright golden rim, as if reflecting a glimmer of hope. Further from where the sun was hiding, the evening palette of varying shades of violet and blue coloured the horizon.



More waves crashed and crashed like layer upon layer of mirrors
onto the shore.




He kicked a bit of sand off of his shoes, but more sand clung onto them as soon as he put his feet down.


His head was as overcast as the clouds above.

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Loving you, loving me: All you need is love

The classic Beatles song...


All You Need Is Love

The Beatles © 1967

Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
Love, love, love.

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's easy.

Nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.

All you need is love (all together, now!)
All you need is love. (everybody!)
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need (love is all you need).