All grown up and getting married...

Received a wedding invitation from a friend.

Well, perhaps more than a friend, since we had "something" together at uni in London. He lived in my dorm, and was the first person to talk to me. We found out about each other through a agame of 'truth or dare'. I dared him to take a cookie in his mouth and share it with someone. He chose me, and our lips met for the first time.

He was probably the first person I met that loved me (or so he said), and my "first". We shared many things, experiences (even the very unpleasant ones), and are very much alike in character. He wanted to "go deep", but I wasn't ready. He took the rejection badly, and we never did become serious as a couple after that. Though we did stay close throughout the years, even when he went abroad to study.

Sometimes we'd just sit and chat, about this and that, philosophise about life and the sorry state of the world today, about things that happened to us in the past (even the terrible things), about the meaning of life. I miss those conversations.

I helped him through a lot of difficult times, and most of all out of suicide. Once I took him to the hospital to have him 'quarantined' because it had gotten that bad. He held my hand, and I held his. People at the hospital and the police who eventually came probably thought we were together, but really we were just close. Some nights he would call me and tell me how he wanted someone to be close to. And I'd ride the night bus to his place. We'd just hug and do nothing else, and fall asleep that way. He needed that, a lot. And I guess I did too. I miss that too.

Once, as we were hugging in bed, he asked me if I felt anything. I think my reply was 'no'. Or at least 'not really'. I mean it's difficult to hold someone and be that intimate and not feel anything. But I never did initiate anything. I was his confidant, his shoulder to lean and cry on, and his trust. I could never abuse that. I held myself back, because I didn't want to take advantage of him at his most vulnerable. He had been hurt enough as a child, and needn't be hurt more. I understood that well. I went through the same.

But he turns out to be bi, or I think he was just 'experimenting'. I'm glad for him that he's found the love of his love and is getting married. He really needs that, and I've seen him grow from being very sad and suicidal to being happy (or at least happier) and (more) confident. I guess a relationship helps. In loving you, I love me.

Yes, the 'other' is a girl. He did say he always wanted to settle down and start a family, children. And I knew that all along. I met the couple when they came over to visit me two years ago, and I've not seen them since.

I want to attend, since it'll be a chance to see him again, and visit the UK. Not been there since I graduated, and to be honest kind of missing it. Most of all, missing him too.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I do have feelings for him...and now that he's getting married it'll be pointless if I still do. I do think about him from time to time, and wonder how he's been doing. And I guess that's about it. Or am I just suppressing feelings, like I do so well?

Not sure.

You know who you are...
and I guess you'll always occupy a special place in my life.