It was a dream, but it woke me up and left me panting and trying to catch my breath... It left me on the verge of tears, and pulled me to the depths of sadness and loneliness. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I sat in bed and in the dark, dazed by the dream, and felt the loss and pain all over again...
I saw mum lying on the hospital bed, obviously in pain, groaning and unwell. The doctor came and spoke to me. He shook his head and said few words. It was not good, she has to be "let go", the doctor said. I think brother was there next to me as well.
I knelt beside mum's bed, grabbed her hand and paced my head on her shoulder, burrying my face in the little nook of her shoulder. I sobbed quietly, but was so afraid she would hear me or feel my tears moisten her. She said it was alright. She said it was time to go.
I didn't say anything, just looked at her and weakly smiled to give her confidence and give her some strength in this difficult, difficult time. But inside I was so weak, I was wrenching and breaking apart.
When is it time to go? When is it ever alright to leave your loved one?
I held tightly onto her hand... I rubbed her fingers on my face. Soon, this will become an impossibility. Soon, I can no longer touch or feel her. Soon, she can no longer touch or feel me.
Whatever people say to comfort you, whatever people may think a year, two years, maybe even ten or twenty years, after that eventful day, loss is loss, pain is pain, the sense of loneliness and abandonment is still strong.
The longing to be held is so powerful...
The desire to receive love from another, to receive genuine love and care and not being able to receive it, is breaking me down bit by bit.
