Night out

Just got home and stripped into a shirt to sleep in. My skin is red and warm from the drinks, from the two bottles of lovely red wine I had sitting next to a warm open fire at a beach cafe.

Dinner was lousy, the food was horrible and expensive, but the drinks afterwards in a warm quiet cafe made the evening just perfect. Just me, and two girlfriends, sitting there, chatting, sharing and bonding. The three of us became close a few months ago because of school work that brought us together. One of us is leaving soon for good, but tonight seemed to prove that we will still be together even though we're apart.

We've been close before, but tonight brought us even closer. I don't like saying directly "I'm gay", partly because I think it perpetuates labels and stereotypes, but there was a perfect occassion to tell my friends that I'm more than the 'average guy'. Wine brings out a lot of character and confidence. They started to share they love affairs and personal things, and I shared mine.

Basically, they have complicated and dramatic relationships... guys that don't seem to be able to show they're true emotions, but at the same time find it hard to let go... guys that are warm one moment, but cold suddenly... guys that are difficult to understand, made worse by this incomprehensible thing called love.

I listened closely, and nodded. I couldn't really share, I said, because I don't have any relationship going on at all! Whatever bits and pieces of my last close relationship was four years ago, I said.

One friend smiled and told me not to worry. One day I'll find a great woman to be with. To that I responded that I don't think I'll ever want to have a woman to be with. They looked at me, smiling and understanding. And realising.

It's funny. I always joke around and openly 'poke fun' at sexuality and sex, but nobody seems to pick up the subtle suggestions. So they were surprised, in a positive way, that I am gay. Both were equally surprised, and never suspected anything. They just see me as "David", someone who's sensitive and so gentle, someone who's unique and so different from other guys, but nothing more than that. Someone who's caring, compassionate, and so soft in his words and actions, and nothing more than that.

I blushed hearing that. And they were right. I'm no different from other people just because I like guys. I knew this already, but the experience was like an affirmation, and a boost of self-confidence as I start to like myself more. Sexuality is just a part of me, like the gentleness, the soft-spokeness and my weird sense of humour all are part of me. And that's what makes people attracted to me... to my smile, to my kindness and to my warmth.

It was emotional hearing them say all that, and felt like I'm really worth something, worth something more than I believe myself to be. So much more than I think I deserve. Because, as they said, I'm just one of a kind, a rare find, and just 'me' as real and true as people come. I deserve the very best, and they were saying that not just because they were my friends, but because it's true.

I blushed somemore and stared into the open fire that jumped and danced in front of us, and felt the warmth circle and embrace us.

Trial....

32.6 Orahovac (near Lazete): In the late evening hours of 13 July and during the day of 14 July 1995, personnel from the Military Police Company of the Bratunac Brigade working together with other individuals and units transported hundreds of Bosnian Muslim males from in and around Bratunac to the Grbavci School in the village of Orahovac. These Bosnian Muslim men had been captured from the column of men retreating from the Srebrenica enclave or separated in Potocari. On 14 July 1995, VRS personnel including members of the Military Police Company of the Zvornik Brigade guarded and blindfolded the Bosnian Muslim males detained at the Grbavci School. In the early afternoon of 14 July 1995, VRS personnel transported these Bosnian Muslim males from the school at Grbavci to a nearby field, where personnel including members of the 4^th Battalion of the Zvornik Brigade ordered the prisoners off the trucks and summarily executed them with automatic weapons. Approximately 1000 Bosnian Muslim males were killed. On 14 and 15 July 1995, members of the Zvornik Brigade Engineering Company used heavy equipment to bury the victims in mass graves at the execution site, while the executions continued. On the evening of 14 July, lights from the engineering machinery illuminated the execution and burial sites during the executions.

32.7 The Petkovci School: On 14 July 1995, VRS and/or MUP personnel transported approximately 1000 Bosnian Muslim males from detention sites in and around Bratunac to the school at Petkovci. These Bosnian Muslim men had been captured from the column of men retreating from the Srebrenica enclave or separated in Potocari. On 14 July and the early morning hours of 15 July 1995, VRS and/or MUP personnel struck, beat, assaulted and shot with automatic weapons Bosnian Muslim males being detained at the school.

32.8 The "Dam" near Petkovci: On or about the evening of 14 July 1995 and the early morning hours of 15 July 1995, VRS personnel from the Zvornik Brigade including drivers and trucks from the 6^th Infantry Battalion and the Zvornik Brigade transported the surviving members of the group of approximately 1000 Bosnian Muslim males from the school at Petkovci to an area below the Dam near Petkovci. They were assembled below the Dam and summarily executed by VRS or MUP soldiers with automatic weapons. In the morning of 15 July 1995, VRS personnel from the Engineering Company of the Zvornik Brigade, working together with other individuals and units, used excavators and other heavy equipment to bury the victims while the executions continued.

32.9 Pilica School: On or about 14 and 15 July 1995, VRS and/or MUP personnel transported approximately 1200 Bosnian Muslim males from detention sites in Bratunac to the school at Pilica. These Bosnian Muslim men had been captured from the column of men retreating from the Srebrenica enclave or separated in Potocari. On or about 14 and 15 July 1995, VRS military personnel with automatic weapons summarily executed many of the Bosnian Muslim males who had arrived, or were being detained, at the school. On 17 July 1995, VRS personnel from the "R" Battalion of the Zvornik Brigade retrieved the bodies of the victims from the Pilica School and transported them to the Branjevo Military Farm. On 17 July 1995, the Engineering Company of the Zvornik Brigade buried the victims of the Pilica School executions in a mass grave at the Branjevo Military Farm.

32.10 Branjevo Military Farm: On the morning of 16 July 1995, VRS personnel transported the remaining members of the group of approximately 1200 Bosnian Muslim males from the Pilica school by bus to the Branjevo Military Farm. These Bosnian Muslim men had been captured from the column of men retreating from the Srebrenica enclave or separated in Potocari. After the Bosnian Muslim males arrived at the Branjevo Military Farm, they were summarily executed by automatic weapon fire from members of the 10^th Sabotage Detachment and the Bratunac Brigade, working.........
(from Indictment against Vujadin Popovic, 26 March 2002)

...just doing some background reading for the latest job offer at the international criminal tribunal.

It's shocking... sickening, and makes your mind go numb from the attrocity and cruelty. It reads like a horror(ible) war novel, but the truth is it all happened. The truth is these are thousands of people who were tortured and exterminated because they were of one race or religion... The truth is there are many out there who are directly or indirectly responsible for giving the command for these deaths to happen...

...and am I to be involved in all of this?

Job x 2

I took a trip today! Not a day off to just relax, but it was a work-related trip. As a student-assistant you get all sorts of jobs that nobody wants to do, but must be done. So I was sent to go to a little town in the countryside to pick up somethings.

It took me one hour to get there by bus, and one hour to get back. Besides the bus driver, there was no one but me, so it was like a special service. I reached the town of Lisse and managed to find the accountant's office I was looking for. I was a little nervous, because I had come to bring the accountant bad news. He had been doing the book-keeping for a while, but because it was getting to be too expensive, we decided to do it ourselves.

I guess he was polite, but he looked at me and asked very directly who was going to do the accounting. Somehow I felt like he was thinking that I'm taking over his job, and he wasn't too happy about that. Oh well, I left his office five minutes later, with a big box and began my journey back.

Fields, tractors, flowers, farmers, and sunshine! What more could you expect from the countryside? I enjoyed the ride, read the newspaper a bit and before I knew it was back at the office again.

I managed to get the afternoon off, because my boss thought I did a great job. Carrying boxes and taking the bus does take a lot of time and effort, indeed. But I didn't go home straight away, but stayed at the office to work on my thesis.

After reading a few articles I felt my eyelids start to close. The sudden nice weather didn't help cure my sleepiness. So I yawned, rubbed my eyes and lay down on the floor of my office and took a sweet nap.

When I got up it was already past 4pm. I yawned and lazily got up and sat myself down in front of the computer. Unable to get rid of my habit of checking my email every five minutes, I checked my email.

And there was a surprise email.

About a week ago I applied for an internship at the ICTY (International Criminal Tribunal for the Former Yugoslavia). Just because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and was thinking "Why not? What do I have to loose?". It would be a great experience, working for a Defence Team, helping them defend some of the people (notoriously) accused of war crimes during the conflict in the early 1990s in the former Yugoslavia.

And suddenly I got an email saying they'd be happy to have me there! I sat in front of the computer, and read and re-read the email, in disbelief. No prospects it seemed for so many months, and suddenly two offers within two weeks?! Crazy! Unbelievable!

What's next, I wonder. The sweet, sensitive guy of my dreams to sweep me off my feet?

Loving Annabelle

Sweet but short was this movie I watched today. And so will be this review!

A rebellious teenage girl is sent to a Catholic all-girls school. She smokes, has a pierced nose, and wears this bracelet she refuses to take off. A frustrated teacher, who devotes more time to her students than her own love life with a wonderful man, begins to see through the girl... and see herself.

Great movie, with touching songs and quotes, like:

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
Rainer Maria Rilke

Accordion girl

I held up two bottles of juice in front of her and smiled, signaling her to pick one. She was hesitant, perhaps puzzled, as she sat cross-legged leaning against the entrance to the supermarket, lost.

"Which one do you want...?" I said softly, and gestured with the two bottles. A silent morning breeze blew. The headscarf on her head wavered.

She looked up at me, finally understanding. Perhaps not what I said, but what my intentions were. Under her soiled cheeks was a natural red rouge. Under her long lashes a pair of dark, but energetic eyes hid. "Danke... danke..." she said, in German strangely, and took the bottle of red raspberry juice from my hand.

The accordion which was crying sad soulful notes, and which attracted me as soon as I stepped out of the train station, dropped to the ground. She quickly opened the bottle of cold juice and drank. Temporarily she closed her eyes as if in bliss.

Realising I was still standing there, she looked up at me. Colour seemed to return to her previously pale face. "Danke... danke..." she said again, almost in a whisper.

I smiled back again, and said nothing. I walked on.

But for many moments I could still see the fallen accordion and trinkets of coins spread across a dirty cloth glisten under the dull gray sky.