Selfish

Just because he wants to buy a car, everyone else has to cut down on costs.

This is so ridiculous it's hilarious. Was just in the kitchen right now, and he asked me whether I eat a lot of pizza when I'm at home. Yeah, I eat pizza. It's easy, and quick, and healthy too.

"The oven uses a lot of electricity."
"So what should I do? Stop eating?" I asked, surprised he even said that.
"That's not what I mean."

Well, what else could anyone mean by that?! The oven uses electricity. The oven is therefore expensive, so the only conclusion can be: cut down the use of the oven, or better yet, stop using it altogether.

Last night he said we need to cut down on costs. He claims that I'm home "all the time", so I use a lot of electricity.... But didn't he just recently accuse me of treating this place as a hotel and accuse me of not being home at all? Am I now supposed to calculate the exact amount of time when I'm at home and when I'm not so as not to be accused of being completely absent or accused of being always at home?

I told him straight away if he wants to cut down costs he can turn off the computer at night instead of letting it run 24/7! If he wants to cut down costs, stop smoking!

Nothing is ever right... except for what he says and does.

Loving you, loving me: Chapter 16

The new chapter is online : )

Here's the song in the chapter: "You're still you", by Josh Groban

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

Still ill

Me no feel so good...

Been five days, and still pretty much ill. Haven't really been doing much, besides resting, but the cough doesn't seem to want to go away. And now everytime I cough, my head aches... I don't like taking medicine, especially the chemical stuff, so ginger and honey tea and some homeopathic herbal poitions is really what I've been taking. I know it'll go away, but as is often in life, whenever you're suffering, it seems like it's forever.

It probably didn't help having to work today, in the rain and wind. Tried to call in sick, but they really had to have me work because the storm in the past few days meant that a lot of mail couldn't be delivered. So had to just bear it and work, though surprisingly despite the amount of mail I finished everything in four hours.

Had a long talk with my brother last night. Well, as usual it's because he wants something, and this time it's a car. It doesn't matter what he wants to do with the money he makes, but I reminded him if he buys a car he won't be able to pay all the bills and mortgage. He still insists on buying, and I know when he wants something he won't rest until he gets it. Together we talked about how much expenses we have every month, and how much money is coming in.

Well, it's been decided. For him to buy a car, I'll need to contribute three hundred euros every month to the living expenses, on top of the grocery shopping I occassionally do.

To be honest, I'm not sure what to think about all this. On the one hand, I guess it's fair I pay something, since I'm living at home for free, so the money I pay can be seen as 'rent' (ironically, to stay at home). And I guess I can just about manage to scrape three hundred from my student loan and (meagre) salary. And I don't want to ask my parents for anything any more, since they've been paying too much for too long.

But then... I've been wanting to move out for sometime already, and if I have to pay that three hundred every month so that he can afford a car, I can't afford to move out any more. Why should I have to continue staying in this place so that he can have the pleasure of having a car??!! My first reaction last night was to just let this pass. Perhaps... it's just another sacrifice I have to make to keep someone else happy... And besides, I really dread having to look for a place and move again. It seems like I've been moving every single year in the past five years, and it's not fun. Not at all.

But when I think about having to stay here probably for the foreseeable future, or until at least I finish my studies or have a steady income, I shudder. The fights, the non-talking... the lack of that feeling of home, even though this is supposed to be home.

I really don't know what to do...

Do I gala?

Coughing and nauseous I still went to work yesterday. It's unpaid, but I like it, and my colleagues/classmates are pretty fun to be around with. Less than three months till the big moot event, things are beginning to get busier. Tonnes of emails to write, sponsors to solicit, hotel rooms to arrange, over a thousand copies of memorials to be worked through and reviewed... plenty of work left.

Well, even though it's unpaid there are side benefits... like lunch with a (former) minister, corresponding with judges of the international courts and tribunals and other VIPs. And apparently my colleagues and I have been invited to an gala dinner at the Peace Palace.

To be honest, I'm not really keen on the whole idea. The invitation came from the (obnoxious) head of the society, I was supposed to meet last week, himself. Only €70 to enter, and it'll be filled with movers and shakers of (high) society. Going in a suit ad tie would be considered 'underdressed', we were told. Wear a tuxedo, 'avec decoration' (French for whatever badges or emblems of honour you can pin on your chest).

The idea just makes me shudder. To me it just stinks of snobbishness. I imagine it to be a gathering of gentlemen with tophats and ladies evening gowns and funny hats, one more outrageous than the next, caviar, whisky and cigars. The very essence and decadence of the bourgeosie, the very thing my left-leaning SOASian years repelled against.

Besides, I don't even have a tuxedo. Though I do have a "Stop the War!" and smiley badge.

Storm II

Hundreds of kilometers of traffic jams at 4pm. Hours of delays and cacellations on the trains. Buildings being evacuated due to dangers of falling objects. Overflowing dikes. It's a storm, the second one in two weeks.

Been in bed most of the day, still recovering from the cold and nasty dry cough. It's the kind of cough when you cough it hurts, but however many times you cough there still seems to be phlegm stuck uncomfortably in your throat. It's really been a long time since I was so sick. Thanks to another argument in the morning, I managed to wake up early and go to the supermarket to get some groceries and the 'essential ingredients' for my cure against colds and coughs. Not sure where I learned this, but orange juice, fresh ginger slices and honey, simmered for around half an hour till that fruity, gingery, honey-y smell is fills the air, can do wonders. Not just the fragrance, but the drink too.

Listening to the radio you'd think it's the end of the world. Constant updates of the latest incident from all over the country, and people calling in to share what dramatic experiences they've just gone through. It's a force 10 storm, and the most violent in five years, and already causing plenty of damage. A construction crane fell on a school building earlier today, and for the first time ever the meteological the Ministry of Transport issued a 'weather warning', calling people to stay home.

Maybe where I am it's not that bad (yet), and for some reason the sky is clearing up, or at least for now. I've been through worse storms than this (even worse than Katrina), but still hearing and seeing what the forces of nature can do and damage is always awing.

Free!

Crack open Champagne! Burn those books!

Forget all about crimes against humanity and the intricacies of prosecuting an international criminal. Three hour exam, many more hours of studying. Done. Finished. No more. For now.

I may have a cold, may have nott slept much in the past day or so, but the moment I walked out that exam hall it was a real sigh of freedom. Over wine, vodka, martini, cigarillos and 'something else you can smoke' we poor overworked students celebrated the night away. Sure, due to the ingrained traumas of our studies, we could not escape from thoughts and words related to international law every other sentence, but at least we don't need to wake up tomorrow wondering whether it's one less day till some terrifying deadline. Yes, for the coming two weeks we can (temporarily) put away our books and brains, forget about the ten thousand plus word thesis looming ahead, and just do....

Well, not sure what to do actually.

I do know though... in five hours I'll need to get up to go to work with a terrible headache.

Sick

Woke up with a runny nose and spinning headache. Somehow between last night and this morning I managed to catch a cold. I remembered saying to someone the other day I've not been ill for a long, long time. What you say comes back with a vengence.

Been trying to do more revising for the whole day, but keep on dozing off. At one point I sat at my desk and was drooling... over my war crimes and genocide study notes. Feel so cold, and sore all over. Just took another fifteen minute 'power break', and not really feeling better.

Dreading tomorrow... and whether I'll be able to make it to the exam hall. And even more, whether my mind'll be clear enough to do an exam.

Winter?

Took a walk this afternoon, partly to get away from the depressing studying of war crimes and genocide, partly to get away from the arguing at home, and partly to bury Mr Mousovic.

It's always nice to go into the forest, and walk under the shade of barren trees. It was late afternoon, so the sun was setting, and the sky was beautiful. It's not been like that for days, since the stormy weather for the most of last week. The only thing was there were lots of people in the forest... lots of young children running around and lots of people walking around. And I don't like it when there are lots of people.

So I avoided the crowd and walked my own path. I came across something that made me stop. Normally, crocusses and wild flowers bud in early Spring, meaning around March, or even April. But they're beginning to bud, now already, in mid January!


So, the world is getting warmer, and the weather stranger and more extreme. Something else I noticed too... the streets were really really dirty! Usually the ground is speckless, and you're lucky to spot a piece of rubbish (dog poo doesn't count). But today there were beer cans and paper, plastic bags and household garbage everywhere... reminded me of the streets of Jakarta.


I guess it may be because of the stormy weather, or the fact that it was new years and so (drunken) kids were out and about. Sort of gave me the urge to just get a big bag and start cleaning up the streets...

but, I have an exam to study for.

(....the dirty streets were not helped by the attack of seagulls)

Mr Mousovic found dead

Pursuant to the Indictment issued on 8 Janurary 2007 against Musco Mousovic, the Tribunal issues the following statement:

At approximately 13.00 hours in the afternoon of 14 January 2007, the Accused, Mr Mouscovic, was found dead in the premises of The Tribunal. The cause of his death is unknown. Due to the untimely death of the Accused, proceedings will now be terminated.


FACTS

The Tribunal was informed of the reappearance of Moucovic and promptly investigated. Officer of the Tribunal, Cat, was seen playing with the corpse of the deceased. Whether Cat is guilty of the crime of desecrating a corpse has yet to be conformed.


Mr Mousovic's body was found lying beneath a chair in the Living Room. He lay on his side, and his four limbs were stiff in a tense posture. His eyes were still open, but he was no longer breathing. In order to determine whether Mr Mousovic had indeed passed away, The Tribunal poked his corpse with the Camera used to capture photographic evidence. There was no response.


There were no signs of external injuries or wounds on the corpse of Mr Mousovic. The suspected killing by Cat could not be confirmed. The Tribunal is not aware of any illness or health problems that Mr Mouscovic suffered prior to his death. Nor is The Tribunal of any mental health problems that may have triggered Mr Mousovic to take his own life. It is therefore presumed that Mr Mousovic died of natural causes.

Attempts were contemplated to contact the family of the Deceased, however this was hindered by communication hurdles. The Tribunal decided to give Mr Mousovic proper burial, and his corpse was scooped up with the help of Jar (the same Jar used to capture him a few days earlier).

The Tribunal searched the Woods of Clingendael for a quiet place as the final resting place of the Deceased. Fear of vandals and hungry Dogs, or other wild Beasts, desecrating the corpse even more were taking into account.

The Deceased was lowered into a carefully dug hole underneath a tree, and subsequently earth and leaves were used to enclose the grave. Since the religion affiliation of the Deceased was unclear, The Tribunal did not conduct any elaborate ritual or ceremony. Besides the Tribunal, no one else was present at the ceremony.

HELD
Following the death of the Accused, The Tribunal must thereby conclude the proceedings against Mr Mousovic.

Though short lived, Mr Mousovic will be much missed.