End of the world...

Today was supposed to be the "end of the world". At least according to some who interpreted the end of the Mayan calendar cycle as the end of everything we know.

But the world is still standing, still turning, still alive.

Did I really believe the world would end? No, not really. But if it did end, I don't think I'll go with regret... My duties as son have been fulfilled. I think I've been a "good" person, and tried to do my best in everything I do. For sure, I have been ugly, had pride and jealousies, I have been ignorant and stubborn, and I have hurt people. And my karma for my wrong acts will one day come back to me... But on the whole, if I were to die today, I think I would be able to pass away in peace...

In preparation for what might have been the "last day", I wrote to my ex. It was a genuine mail, from my heart, thanking him for all he has given me, for loving me and making me love myself a little more. It was an expression of how much he means to me, and how despite all that we have gone through, despite tensions and arguments, I still see hope between us. Beautiful hope of a future together. He must think me insane, especially from his lack of response. But truly, of all the people I feel I should write to, he is the one. He can think what he wants, but I've been honest how I feel, and expressed what I needed to get out. So if the world should end, and if I should die, nothing has been unsaid, nothing not done...

The potential end of the world should make us all pause and reflect... What have we done with our lives? What is it that we leave behind? Is there anything I've done worth remembering? Who matters really in life? Who crosses my mind and do I think more than anything else...?

We should really think of these things, and appreciate what we have, hold on to what we have. We should not be afraid to tell people we love them and care about them so deeply. We should not be afraid to hold another person's hand and look them deeply in the eyes and say: "You matter. Thank you for being (t)here..."

But unfortunate the world doesn't always work that way.

Train ride

Almost twenty years ago, a dad took his son on a train journey. The dad bought a day-ticket, for unlimited travel throughout the country. How excited the boy was, for he loved trains. And even more exciting, they boarded one of the first double decker trains in the Netherlands at the time...

Close to Zwolle or thereabouts, there came smoke out of the locomotive. There was a a strench in the air... The train broke down. But that didn't ruin a beautiful day shared between father and son...

Riding the same type of train now, towards the city of one of my alma maters, Leiden. The train may look old and may have lost its novelty and luster over the years. But the memories of that day still remains...

Just passed station Mariahoeve... In 1994, on the platform, the boy bid farewell to his dad. The 10 year old boy was in tears, for the parents and the family were going to be split up... That was the beginning of my family's separation...

I cried and cried. Dad looked at me sadly and didn't know how to comfort me. A train passed by. A speeding train that did not stop.

"What kind of train is that? Where is it going?"

Between sniffles, I answered, and temporarily my attention was diverted from my sadness and pain... "It's an EC train..." Eurocity. This was before the era of the high speed Thalys. "Going to Paris, from Amsterdam..." Even then I could tell where the train would stop. Dad complimented me.

Soon, he boarded his train bound for the airport. Soon, dad slowly disappeared from my life...

Funny how objects and places conjure such memories and temporarily plunge your mind into sadness...

Banned

I dread with much fear just thinking about it. The possibility of going back to Taiwan and not being able to leave because of military service. A year of my life gone, serving a cause (military...) and country I feel so distinct toward.

But mum and dad are there, and I did promise to visit them... I really want to, but the risk of not being able to leave the country if I don't do military service is too great a sacrifice...

When I overstayed to be with mum back in May, I was "punished". My automatic right to enter the country as a EU national was revoked for a year. If I want to go back, I need a good reason. Back in June, the reason was mum, the reason was humanitarian. But there is no reason to go back in February... Bluntly the visa office told me both my parents are gone, so now I can't even say I'm visiting family (extended family doesn't count...) Needing to pack and deal with mum's belongings isn't reason enough. She died over half a year ago... Unless I want to reinstate my Taiwanese passport, I can only go back with a legitimate reason. Otherwise, I just have to wait till the visa restriction expires in May next year...

Part of me is glad that I don't have to go back now, at least in February... Fears have been allayed, at least for the time being. But part of me feels bad. I have a lot of stuff waiting at home that still need to be packed and organised... I can hear brother grumbling already that I'm just leaving things for him to do. And I have a feeling a lot of valuable things will just be thrown away when I'm not there to salvage them... What in his eyes may be rubbish, junk, in my eyes may hold such memories of mum and dad...

And will dad and mum not be disappointed that I'm not there for New Years...? It's the fifth year since dad passed away, and the first year without mum... I could just cry thinking of this. It's depressing and very sad... Am I being selfish thinking about my life and not willing to risk being detained for military service?

I am deeply upset by what I was told this morning. And I feel so miserable from my persisting illness, which isn't showing signs of going away...

Life of...

At one point in the movie, out of sheer desperation, having been robbed of everything in his life, Pi shouts at God....

Everything and everyone who is dear and memorable has been taken away from him... "I succumb to you..." He tells god. There is nothing else to lose, nothing else to fear but life.

But even when life is almost without hope, what else is there left worth living for?

Hope.

Hope of rescue.

Hope of meeting another human being.

Hope of being cared for and loved by another, a longing that is so strong after both parents have suddenly gone...

Hope is worth living for.

For without hope, there is nothing meaningful or valuable in the world.

Mumories and shadows

She stopped talking. I could see her eyes were watering. The words could not come out...

She and mum have known each other over a decade. The auntie watched me grow up. I was in primary school when our family got to know her.

Every time mum visited the Netherlands she would visit the auntie, and often take me with her. Last time mum and I visited together was two years ago. Last mum visited her was last year (2011), just after she went to spend a couple of weeks in Canada.

This time I visited the auntie alone. I went by bike, the bike mum bought last year when she was in the country. It's a ladies bike, and now there's a baby seat on the back. How things have changed within a year or so.

We sat down in the living room, and caught up on lives. But we all (her husband was there too...) knew and felt there is an absence. We talked about mum, about her life, how wonderful she was, how well lived her life was, how exciting her life was having been so many places...

It was just after lunch, just before I was about to leave. "Thank you," I said, "You've always been so kind and caring toward mum and me..." Even till the end, the auntie wrote to mum and tried to encourage her. Following tradition, the auntie even sent some money after mum passed away.

"She was so..." the auntie began, but my words and the emotions made her speechless. She just sat there, looking down, looking sad by memories of mum.

I gave her a hug before I left, and told her to take good care of herself.

"It takes time..." she reminded me before I left. "Even now, I still cannot deal with the things..." She lost her daughter around ten years ago. She said she left her daughter's things as they are.

I biked home, in the drizzling rain. The streets look so familiar, so laden with memories, cast with shadows of my dear mother... The familiar restaurants, museums, cafes where mum and I once have been to together. Mum was here, but she is no longer...

Coming back here for the first time since mum passed away is proving more difficult than I imagined...

Dream: treatment

The tiredness after returning from my long trip is exhausting. Terribly exhausting. together with the pills I must continue to take, perhaps causing me to have dreams...

In my dream tonight, I was at the hospital, seeing a doctor. It was not for me, it was for mum. But mum wasn't around, in fact she never appeared in the dream...

The doctor spoke about her condition, and shook his head. He said we need to proceed with treatment. Electrotherapy, or something like that, to kill the cancer.

I remember getting very frustrated and puzzled. Isn't she already dead...?
Why more treatment? How much longer can I take of hospitals and treatment?

I woke up, shaken and disturbed...

Home again...

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Finally, after two and a half weeks or so on the road, a warm shower that doesn't suddenly turn cold, a comfortable bed to sleep in. And no more honking, no more noise as hollering. I quickly went to bed after giving my brother and his wife an overview on my trip, and almost as soon as I lay down, I fell asleep...

I dreamt, first of me trying to catch a crowded train in India, trying to get to Sarnath for some reason and failing terribly. There were so many dangerous looking people around, and I felt threatened and scared...

Then my ex appeared. He was crying, longing for me, missing me terribly. We've not spoken for over two weeks. I just don't know what to say to him, and at times I feel this frustration and anger toward him. I've written to him so many times telling him my feelings, but none of my mails were answered. I can only assume he's perfectly fine without me around, and so there's even less desire to contact him. Those things he said about how much he will always love me, about wanting to be together... Distant words with very little meaning now, it feels like.

In the dream, he seemed to be so sad, so full of regret. He was trying to reach out to me, but I was unresponsive. Is this what happens after a time of no contact and lots of misunderstandings? Is this what becomes of two people who care about each too much if turns into frustration and even anger when the other is no longer responsive and becomes distant?

I don't know... But in the dream I did feel (or am perhaps fooled...?) that there is still so much love, so much care. And I just turned away and was stone cold, whereas he cried and cried...

Seeing mum

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I saw mum. It was so real, so very real. She was sitting next to me, she was laughing, smiling, looking like she had a wonderful time. We were flying somewhere, in a plane. Outside the window were so many majestic moubtains capped with white snow and ice. Mum's face was so peaceful, so full of bliss.

Seeing her made me smile. I have been so lonely on this solo journey across the Middle Land, I have been searching for someone to talk to and share my stories. And for a few moments, it was as if mum was there to talk to me, to listen to me and give me attention and affection. But she didn't say anything. Se just sat next to me and smiled, the same smile as the one that is permanent captured on the picture of her I have been taking with me on this long, long journey...

It was too real. I woke up, crying, and crying out "Mama... Mama..."

Dream of ex

Finally, after two and a half weeks or so on the road, a warm shower that doesn't suddenly turn cold, a comfortable bed to sleep in. And no more honking, no more noise as hollering. I quickly went to bed after giving my brother and his wife an overview on my trip, and almost as soon as I lay down, I fell asleep...

I dreamt, first of me trying to catch a crowded train in India, trying to get to Sarnath for some reason and failing terribly. There were so many dangerous looking people around, and I felt threatened and scared...

Then my ex appeared. He was crying, longing for me, missing me terribly. We've not spoken for over two weeks. I just don't know what to say to him, and at times I feel this frustration and anger toward him. I've written to him so many times telling him my feelings, but none of my mails were answered. I can only assume he's perfectly fine without me around, and so there's even less desire to contact him. Those things he said about how much he will always love me, about wanting to be together... Distant words with very little meaning now, it feels like. Sad. Very very sad that it hurts and pains me greatly. It's kept me awake and feeling agitated so often during my trip. I feel like I've lost someone very dear, and this right after mum's death... Who do I really have left to rely on or turn to now? Does he understand or realise how things, how this lingering ambiguity in our friendship (or whatever it is we have...) and growing distance between us are affecting me? From his silence, I can only assume he's found his happiness, and I'm no longer part of that life.

In the dream, he seemed to be so sad, so full of regret. He was crying so much, like the only way I can make him cry, in a way I've not seen any one else cry... He was trying to reach out to me, but I was unresponsive. Is this what happens after a time of no contact and lots of misunderstandings? Is this what becomes of two people who care about each too much if turns into frustration and even anger when the other is no longer responsive and becomes distant?

I don't know... But in the dream I did feel (or am perhaps fooled...?) that there is still so much love, so much care. I wanted to reach out and hold him, to hug and miss him... but it was so hard. I just turned away and was stone cold, whereas he cried and cried...

Horrible dream...

returning to life...

I hesitated as to what to write. Who is my contact person in my birth country? What is my address there? It used to be either dad or mum. It used to be mum's address. But she is gone. Who am I visiting in Taiwan? Why am I even going there...?

 In order to return to home next month, to commemorate the anniversary of my dad's passing (fifth year already...) I need to apply for a  visa to return home. This is due to me overstaying back in May, when I was with mum (when she was still around...), so the 'punishment' is that I need to   get a visa to go to Taiwan for a year. And it's always a hassle, because of the fear of being drafted...

I was filling in the online application, and they asked me details about my dad, about my mum... names, birthdays. It was the first time to recall these information since mum died. I quickly entered the details, and only when I looked at the form again did that loss and pain hit me again...

Barely a day back from my trip, and already dealing with such difficult and annoying issues that stress me terribly...