Toronto awaits

On my way to Toronto again, second time in a week. Only a one day trip, and in a few days I'll be back again. Today is just to meet to lawyer (well, just... It's very important!) and sign the key documents and transfer of title. And more importantly, give the bankers draft containing the down payment to the lawyer for her to hold in trust until next Monday when the deal closes. And the house is mine. Finally mine after almost six weeks since we started this entire process.

As I entered the airport just now, I heard this sound... The sound of an announcement about to be made. It made me think of mum suddenly... Made me think of dad... Made me think of that time when I took mum to Trudeau Airport and sent her on her way to Europe, in style, in business class. I knew, behind my apparent smiles, that it would most likely be the last time ever she would visit me in Canada. But , by the grace of the universe, it was such a beautiful visit filled with adventures, memories and fine experiences... Whaling in the St Laurent, riding the Rockie Mountaineer, lounging in the Fairmont, canoeing on Lake Louise... I raced to the river side park at the end of the run way and I waited for her plane to take off. I cried, partly from joy, partly from that sense of loss and longing, for I knew somehow that would be the last time I would ever see mum in Canada...

How fortunate I am to be able to shuttle between cities, board a flight whenever I wish and to pop in and out and do what I need to do and finalise my first home. Everything seems to be going so smoothly, so as I wished (...I just hope that bankers draft is lying there in the bank branch as I hope it would!!) How fortunate I am to be here, to be able to do what I wish without worry, without too much concern...

My colleague and I were speaking yesterday about how we first met as classmates back in 2008. He said I hardly smiled, he said he thought I was an angry and unapproachable person. And he saw he saw the pictures of my graduation were so terrible, for I looked so dreadful. Surrounded by people who had come from so far away to celebrate and congratulate me, yet I looked so miserable...

Indeed, how heavy I have felt for so long, how weighed down by life , illness and death for so long, and tried to make the most of things, tried so hard to get by and make sense of the unknown and the constant fear of loss and trying to overcome loss (of dad). My friend now understands why I did not smile, why it is I looked so miserable. Behind every face, behind every person is a story.

And mine is laden with struggles to deal and make sense of illness and death, loss and departures. Now I am standing strong, standing stronger than I have ever been for the past seven years or so (since 2008, the year dad passed and mum started intense treatment).

It looks beautiful out the window, almost completely clear blue sky, pristine lake and waters, beautiful wooded areas and building popping into view.

Toronto awaits.

Reflections

In life , you must ask yourself whether what you do, what you say, what you think are really what you should be doing, saying and thinking. We must always, as humble human beings, pause and reflect. We are not born full of sin, as some choose to believe, but neither are we blameless or flawless. For we are all human.

So when someone says to you you have changed, you have become a different person, it is cause for reflection. How have I changed? How different am I now from who I was? All things , all people change... But is it to be better, to be more spiritual, be more human, or is it to be more self absorbed and conceited?

These are questions that you should always ask yourself. At the end of the day, it is your conscience you have to sleep with, it is your conscience you have to wake up to...

Can you live with yourself? Really, can you live with your own decisions, with the things that you have done and said? Can you honestly sleep peacefully and know that you are an honest and kind (not just nice for the sake of being nice!) person?

Reflect on this.
Sleep on this.
And do not let what others say about you or to you cast doubt on your very being.

Because you are who you are. And at the end of the day you must live with who you are.

Becoming uncle second time

I called my brother yesterday and spoke to him and my sister in law. She looked so healthy and gloat, and is heavily pregnant. Expected due date is today, but the day came and went without news. The only news I did get was a sudden Skype message from her, which sent me overjoyed as soon as I saw it over lunch , only to be dampened by the fact it was just to ask me to buy certain baby products

How exciting a new life is about to come out of a mothers womb... How miraculous, how beautiful... A new life about to beginthe circle of life about to start all over again.

I don't know how she will be, ecdpt that she's a she...
I do wish her much beauty, joy and peace and wish her all the love and warmth for all her time on this world 

Changes

How do people change so much?
From friends to lovers? From lovers to heartbreakers? From two people trying to mend broken dreams to two people who seem to be irritated at the other person for whatever reason?

How do we change so quickly? What happened to that love, that fondness, that intimacy and the smiles we used to have whenever we would see each other?

It is so sad when a love affair dies, when two people who were once best friends and inseparable seem unable to stand one another. It is so sad, really breaks my heart, to be spoken to and treated like everything I say can be dismissed as nonsense and fantasy, or worse words of someone who has emotional or mental problems.

But there comes a point, a point when enough is enough, when all the signs and friends around you suggest that a relationship with another person is no longer worth it and that life is much lighter, much less treading on eggshells or choosing your words very carefully and more about protecting your own dignity and sanity.