I got a message today from my sister-in-law telling me the house in Taipei has been sold. Around two weeks ago, my brother messaged me and said there was someone interested, but the price was a bit on the low side. I reminded him he got the house on a windfall, and that he's had it for almost five years now and received rent from it. What more does he expect...? I'm glad he took my advice and sold it.
At the same time, that is closing of the last chapter of anything that remains from our mum (...and indirectly, our parents). I went to see the place two months back when I was in Taipei, even if it were just to walk by it. A little walk filled with nostalgia and memories.
Soon, in two weeks, the next chapter of my family's life will be closed when my brother leaves the home I live 10yrs of my life in (in the Hague). It's long since not been mine, not since my brother bought it from my parents, but still, it's the place I've lived at the most (a third of my life to date, quite an achievement, given how much I move around...)
It would have been sadder, I imagine, if I had no place to call my own.
But at mum's urging, and three years after she passed, I finally had the
courage and the willpower to go out and search and get something that I
can call home. That was exactly a year ago.
I have a place of my own, where I feel so comfortable, feel really at
home (though it's still a mess, and still so many boxes are unopened and
remain locked behind the door of the spare bedroom...). But for once, I
have a place of my own, where I feel safe and secure, finally, after so
many years of drifting around and searching for a home.
People wonder why I am so protective of my place and don't like to have any random person over... because it's my own place, my castle, the home of my kids (the kitties) and where all my earthly possession are. I guard it safely and really have no wish to let just about anyone in. It's mum's wish, I remember her telling me that in those final weeks of her life, for she was not so pleased that before, when I was renting, I would have friends (in need) over and stay with me just because they needed a place to stay (and always not even charging a cent...). It's different now. More so as one by one, family home after family home, the places where parts of my (his)story have been written and created are closing and will forever be out of reach.
Coming up to five years since mum left, things are finding a "new normal". I'm more collected, and able to go about my daily life and routine (though there still are those moments... those moments I just want to sleep and shut out all these emotions of loss and longing...). I've come a really long way, and stumbled into unique opportunities at work that will over the next three years or so take me far and wide (and I have a feeling cement my career and name for the rest of my life...).
Speaking of life, who knows how much of it I have...For the past three months, I've been to see the cardiologist three times, and the latest appointment on Friday (with a second opinion specialist) confirmed what I have. Arrhythmia of the heart, whereby it beats much, much faster than a normal person. Which explains why I get tired so easily, so tired I sometimes just want to close my eyes and lie down, even for just ten minutes to compose myself... It's not immediately fatal, but with time and age, it may be. The doctor recommends treatment-- either pills for the rest of my life, with the consequence that I may be perpetually sluggish and fatigued... or a small surgery (but with a risk of permanent damage, or worse, cardiac arrest and death if they puncture the heart...) to "burn away" the part of my heart, like a little battery, that is beating away when it should not be.
The alternative is to do nothing. And let things be. I've so far not been affected or even noticed anything wrong with my heart (except the occasional black out, and times I've tipped over and found myself on the floor because I temporarily could not see... but that may be more related to quick changes of posture than my heart... and is this at all related to occasional heart aches I experience? who knows?). I did not know I had a serious problem until I had a regular check up. Serious, because a margin of 2-3% faster heart beat than normal is acceptable. Mine is 14% faster. Which may mean the heart will exhaust and wear itself out quicker over my life span than a normal person.
And things could be normal for a long time... but when things go sour, they may go sour very quickly, perhaps without notice.
It's all conjecture... who knows what wil happen? I may be hit by a car, crash in a plane, fall and slip in the bathroom and be knocked unconsciousness till the cats eat me for food because nobody has fed them for days... Or, if fate or god(s) or the universe wills it, my heart may pump so fast my body cannot take it anymore...
Who knows what will happen. I do know I do not wish to take meds, and I do not want to undergo surgery (even if the cardiologist said the procedure is minor...but the associated risks, even though low percentage wise, are major). For now, I'll just gamble and let the heart and fate be.
But it's scary and again puts things into perspective... I'm more or less alone in the world now, and I have to face these matters of life and death alone. I'm not scared, not anxious or anything... just resigned to the fact and realise again, life is only so much.
