Riverbank

Sitting on the riverbank, absorbing the sun and the wind. I see mum, see her face, see her smile... I promised her once I would take her here, that I would show her the river and let her listen to the sounds of the rapids. I never managed to find the time. And I never will have the chance now...

Uninhibitedly, I started to cry again. As much as I long for a bit of human companionship right now, it is perhaps best I am alone.

Out here in nature, my tears can shed and within moments be dried by the wind. The splashing of the rapids can drown out my sobs... The river flowing by can soothe my aching heart and make me feel less abandoned and alone. At least for a moment. Nature does not feel burdened by sadness or exhausted by talk of death and illness. Nature does not seem to mind listening to my sorrow.

Dear nature, how i wish the blowing winds, the flowing river can reach inside of me and wash away this unbearable feeling of emptiness...

Fear realised

This is the fear I had...
Coming home to my own life, to my own home, and feeling such terrible hollowness and aching inside.

How can I keep from crying...?

Mum is gone, really really gone...
I cannot just call her up and hear her voice. I cannot just call her up and listen to her describe her day.

I now finally realise why mum's friends, just before I left Taiwan, kept visiting me, calling me and telling me to hang on there, to be strong...

Because the pain of loss is overwhelming. Because the pain of losing the dearest member of your family can leave you unexpectedly crying in the middle of the night...

Who do I have left in my life?

First night home

Finally home now. After a journey that lasted over 24hrs. Though I slept most of the way, I am still exhausted and in a daze. My ex greeted me at the airport, which was a beautiful gesture. I needed someone to welcome me home, to give me a hug after this long and exhausting few months away.

we talked a bit, but not much. How much could you talk about within an hour of two of meeting after not meeting for several weeks? But there was a moment of terrible, terrible sadness, and I found myself tearing as he played some soft romantic songs.

My house is pretty much the same as I left it, my cat is as beautiful and cuddly as ever. One big change is that I have a flatmate now, who's been ever so kind staying over at my place to take fare of my cat. Leaving with someone else will take some get some getting used to.

I'm still in a daze, one exacerbated by my fatigue and general state of sadness. It'll be strange sleeping alone in my own bed again, strange to wake up in the morning and not to call home, not to speak to mum. It was my routine for so many years, but now none of that is necessary anymore.
How I will feel tomorrow morning, the morning after that, and the mornings years after tomorrow, I do not know.


I just hope I can sleep well, and not have such disturbed and terrifying images and intense sadnesses keep me awake at night like so many other nights after mum's passing...

Touch down

30 August 2012, 16.19hrs. Touch down at YYZ.

In a drowsy and dazed state of mind.
A new and emotional beginning begins...

Departure from TPE

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I could not keep from crying. Seeing my brother and his family's plane taxi toward the runway, I felt this strong and sudden aching rise. I watched as their slick 777 gradually made the dash down the runway. I cried more as their plane took off and gradually disappeared into the clouds.

Coincidence made his plane and my plane depart within ten minutes of one another. I watched him take off, and perhaps he sat there in his plane and watched my plane trail right behind his. Two brothers, brought together back in their home country due to the passing of their mother, and now leaving in opposite directions.


I could not help from crying as the plane budged and slowly taxied backwards. The beginning of a journey on my own. Images of mum flashed before my eyes. I felt the loss and pain again. Such terrible loss and pain...

The beginning of a journey on my own. The journey of life...

Departure from TPE

30082012.0901

I could not help from crying as the plane budged and slowly taxied backwards. The beginning of a journey on my own. Images of mum flashed before my eyes. I felt the loss and pain again. Such terrrible loss and pain...

The beginning of a journey on my own. The journey of life...

Dream: ghosts

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They were all over the place, and I was so terrified. I was inside a building with many floors, and on each floor was someone I knew, sleeping. Nobody could see them, but I could. See the ghosts and feel their eery presence. I was seized with such fear, so terrible fear, even though I repeated a few Buddhist mantras to calm my mind and rid my mind of fear and anxiety..... I can feel the fear even now.

Mum appeared out of nowhere. She said nothing. But I know she appeared to tell me not to be afraid...

Three more nights

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Lying down to sleep, the first of three last nights here in mum's home. It's quiet outside, but a few hundred kilometers to the south, Tembin http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Typhoon_Tembin_(2012)
Is unleashing chaos and destruction for the second time as it returns to pummel the island hard. I am hugging a large teddy, one my Ex gave me some time ago. The teddy has been with mum for over two years, and accompanied her all the way till the end of her life. Soon, the soft and lovable bear in my embrace, who kept me company and kept the loneliness at bay for so many nights and comforted me to sleep, will make his way out of my life again, and accompany my nephew back to Europe.

It is unusually quiet, and my mind is a haze. A haze. Another crippling spell of fatigue has overcome me, and I feel such heavy dizziness and a strange mixture of emotions I cannot express, I cannot capture...

Can hurt be so painful that you become numb? Can pain be so powerful that you do not feel anything at all? I am out of words, am too tired and too exhausted to properly reflect on all that has happened here over the past few weeks, let alone to write something worth of being written and read or remotely touching to mark the end of a long, long stay...

I will fall asleep, wake up, and a new day will have already begun. Far too quickly, far too quickly.

Lover

"Do not worry about others not loving you, think only of how to love others.
Love in all the ways you can, as if you have never been hurt before.
When you truly love, there are no calculations or expectations, and it is not possible to be hurt.

Darling, be someone with the ability to love, when you give a lot, you will get a lot more.

Love is miraculous, when you are loving, you will also be loved."

"a person can love many people, but when you lose the one and only true love, you will realise all else is meaningless."

Will II

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Mum told me a few years ago that she adopted two children through a charity. One lives in Taiwan, and is a boy, the other is a girl teenager who lives in Mozambique. Because of mum, two children have a better life and better education. Because of mum, two lives will be forever changed.

She never saw or met the two children, and only receive news from them occasionally when they send her greeting cards and pictures of themselves. Mum said to me then that because brother and I have grown up, she does not need to provide for us so much any more, so she has means to provide for others. And, she always did want to have a daughter (and how disappointed she was that I am not a girl!) Mum reminded me many times that when I have the means, I should be kind and think of those who are less fortunate. "I will," I said to her.



Well, I am going to start right now.

In mum's will, she wrote that she wishes to leave some money for the two children. I called up the charity and made the arrangements. And I decided to do something else too. I decided to take over the "fostering" (albeit only financially...) from mum and continue supporting these two children monthly. It's the least I can do to continue mum's kindness and compassion, and the donor's name will remain unchanged. I did not even tell my brother about this, because he was somewhat opposed to the idea of donating to charity.

This is for you, mum, because you taught me how to be kind and how to be generous, how to be caring and how to have compassion. You taught me and showed me that even with just a little, that 'little' can change the world... even if only by a little.

 And these attributes will not be forgotten even though mum is no longer around.

Escape

I want to get out of here... Away from this place, away from grumblings and misunderstandings.
I want to somewhere where I feel love, where I am loved, and where I can love without hesitation, without the fear of being turned away...

I just want to be on my own, and shut the whole world away while I sleep and recover and find myself again...

Storm

An ever growing storm is brewing.

My due departure date is becoming uncertain.