Leaving

I said goodbye to a friend and watched as she walked down my flight of stairs and disappear into the distance. I've known her for four years, almost as soon as I got to Canada. 

Through I've been distant (generally towards everyone...) she's been a dear, dear friend. She used to come by so often, take care of my cat whenever I was away, comfort me when I was feeling heartbroken and down, advise me when I needed ell and advice. And her mum would often give me delicious food and fresh noodles. 

The hours we shared conversations, the bike rides we took together, the Costco trips she took me on. All in the past as as walked away from my apartment. In a few hours she would board a plane and fly to Vancouver, where she would begin her new life and new job...

I'm on my way now to see a friend I've known also since I arrived in Canada. My first real friend really. And though we've grown distant from one another too, she will always be special. She was the one I adopted my cat with. She was the one who helped me look for and move into my second apartment. She was the one who got me interested in learning French and helped me through hours of conversations to improve my French. She's moving away to Toronto. 

Two friends leaving at the same time. I'm leaving too, on a flight home, on a trip I honestly do not wish to embark on. 

Leaving and going, going and leaving. It's trying to face these goodbyes and I feel the emptiness compound even more. At the end of it all, I am left all alone. 

And I dread, dread the emptiness, the void of  feeling abandoned and being all alone. 

It's not easy...

A friend called me and told me about this event he attended the night before. He said it deeply affected him.

He was invited to volunteer at a charity event. Only when he got there did he realise it was a cancer charity which organised a fundraiser event and vigil for patients, survivors and the recently deceased. The event lasted the whole night, and there was a walk. Some walked a few hours, others walked the whole night till morning. "Cancer does not sleep when you do..." the motto went.

He called me to say how deeply moved he was, and how he woke up feeling depressed from the night before. "Cancer is not easy to face..." he told me.

I know. Cancer is not easy to face, and very difficult to process. Even when a year after you lose someone dear.

Shouting party

I woke up to the sound of my brother calling me. Minutes later, still dazed I was the target of a long rant.

It is perhaps his way of showing how He cares, and he does not know any better way to express himself than get frustrated. But when I mentioned I wanted to go visit him and his family in Europe and visit a friend in southern Africa, he went on about how irresponsible I am and how I'm wasting money traveling around. I just wanted to see family, to feel "at home" again... I just want to go somewhere to free my mind. But I have to justify it.

What about your job? What about your plans to buy a house? What about what you want to do next?
"You're just escaping reality!" It's true. I'm just trying to escape. "Why are you still like this? It's been so long!"

He too is our mother's child.For him it's been so long. For me, I'm still dealing with the after effects of the loss... aftereffects that are compounded by the loss of dear friendships and breakdown of my own mental wellbeing.

I reminded him he has a family, a home, a stable job. I'm still searching for what I want, still trying hard as as much as I can to find meaning and working toward the bar. I'm trying, trying and giving my all in the circumstances. I reminded him he was like this for two years after he graduated, just sitting at home and trying to find something... Am I not doing enough? Where can I find the energy to do more? Where do I find the support to keep me going and hoping for something? Not from my own brother, that's certain now.

I went quiet and wanted to cry.
"Do whatever you want..." He said and hung up the phone.

Maybe this is the kick I need to get myself going. The brutal, hurtful painful kick.
I'm struggling already, struggling to live, struggling to deal with depression and get by. I need some affection, so semblance of care and understanding, encouragement and empathy. He too lost a mother. He has the resources to help him cope and move on so quickly. I do not.

Terrible sadness again. Feel like being kicked when I'm already down....

Dream: family

Two dreams rolled into one night. The first was at a seminar of sorts, where two ladies came to give a presentation on the new plane that I'm about to fly on... Lots of question and answers, and I asked a question that stunned and silenced the room. A question whether  the lithium batteries that caught fire and grounded the new plane for months will be safe... 

Second dream. My whole  family sitting around the dining table in the Netherlands. Mum, dad, both smiling and happy... There was suddenly gunshots. I ran to the window and saw a pool of blood across the street, in the apartment building opposite ours. Dad was curious and went to see the scene. The perpetrator, a fat man saw dad. He started shooting again. He ran to our front door and starting banging. He knocked down the door. I grabbed something to knock him while I dialed 112 (the local equivalent of 911...) The man entered the living room. He was about to shoot his gun... 

Army

I dreamt another terrible dream yesterday, one full of dread and misery (well, isn't that just a reoccurring theme in my life and dreams...?) 

I was deserted into the army. My greatest fear, something ill and to face next week when I'm back in Taiwan. In the dream it was just a training camp, an intro to the army something organized to give people a feel of how wonderful the army is. But I felt so trapped, lost my freedom, and so unhappy... I cannot bear to be in the army and lose my freedom (though, it might give me and my life more discipline....?) What of my plans (do I have any?)? What of my job? My cat? 

I woke up with such a headache... Terrible headache.

Why?

for the longest time, I've loved the song Annie Lennox song "Why". Last night, I listened to it again and read the words to the song as I did so. And how beautiful it describes my feelings...

The lament of a brokenhearted lover, deeply hurt, perhaps even feeling betrayed. Broken dreams, promises, longings of the past that once was. The person is left wondering why at the end of it all... Why it all ended, why so abruptly, why so cruelly? 

I too ask why, and it's what bothers me a lot at this very moment. Am I making my sorrow and grief out to be larger than it really is? Am I stuck in the past and unable to move from pain and hurt? Why do I feel soft for someone else who has his own support and family and lover to lean on? 

 I don't want to be a perpetual victim any more! I hate being weak and being taken for a fool! I want to stand up strong and feel good about myself and stop being treated like I'm some kind of pariah and lazy good for nothing. 

Am I so self absorbed and selfish that I cannot think of any reason why someone who I thought was my best friend and potential partner for life would have a change of heart and act as if all that existed between us meant nothing? I know that was a year, over a year ago, but this year, this horrible year since I lost my mother, is the very moment, the very year I need someone strong and trustworthy to lean on. But why can I not do that? Why can I no longer trust, why can I  no longer feel at liberty to call or have contact with the one person who said he would be there? Why is it that the person you care about most is the person why hurts you most deeply? 

Grief is so hard alone... Unbearable! Torturous! Mum's dead, and can no longer offer me comfort or console me when I am down and sad... 

And coupled with the loss of one's  dearest friend and confidante... It's feels like the world collapsing around me. Like I am the only person in the world! 

Living and breathing and getting up for work and for life is so difficult when all the love and hope and dreams you once clung onto shatters and disappears. Again, I am a fool to attach so much meaning to people. A fool to trust and put all my hope and happiness in promises. 

But It just is the way it is. There's  no reason why, just the way it is. It's just the way it is. No one to blame, no way around it. 

At the end of the song, s-/he hauntingly repeats in a whisper that's full of frustration and hurt:

"And this is how I feel 

Do you know how I feel? 

'Cause I don't think you know how I feel 

I don't think you know what I feel 

I don't think you know what I feel 

You don't know what I feel"

No, nobody knows how I feel.

Does anyone even care to know or care to listen?

Failure?

What would mum (and dad...) think when they see me now?
Would they shake their heads and hang their heads in shame?

How down I have become, how lacking motivation, lacking energy, lacking meaning...
All I want to do is sleep. Eat. Sleep. Go biking perhaps. Plan trips to fantastic places. Anything to prevent myself from thinking, from living in this moment and making something of myself.

Oh, and I cry. I break down and cry. I dream of terrible things and images and I cry.

Why have I become like this?
How have I allowed myself to be like this?

Really, when all the people that once mattered in life disappear, do you fall flat and limp and struggle through every day and every moment of every day? When the love and care disappears, what is there left...?

A breathing skeleton and lost soul in search of a home, in search of belonging, in search of the prospect of love and affection.

Break down

Last night, I spoke to my cousin, telling her I'm headed home in a few days. She offered me her apartment to stay when I am there, at least when I'm in Taipei. She asked how I am. From the reply she could hear I'm not well. 

I'm really not well. I'm struggling horribly. I'm having difficult coping, sleeping, eating. It's the void, the loneliness, the inability to connect with anyone, inability to feel love and loved, to love and to appreciate life and all I have. What is the meaning of life without real friends, without someone you can trust fully, confide in completely? 

My cousin said it pains her deeply to hear me sound like this.

Later at night, I had multiple dreams this morning, but all centred on the same theme. Visiting mum again...

One was me on the flight home. On EVA for some reason. The seats were so luxurious, and meals a real feast. I saw a old high school friend on board. She was going to Taipei for some reason, to shoot a documentary. 

The next two (?) dreams I saw myself at the commemoration ceremony. I was running around trying to buy food to offer mum. All these relatives were around. I was distraught. 

I broke down. Right there on the street and just sobbed and sobbed... I have never seen myself cry like that ever. It was so painful, so difficult to see myself like that...

So painful! 

So painful! So very painful....