Last night, I spoke to my cousin, telling her I'm headed home in a few days. She offered me her apartment to stay when I am there, at least when I'm in Taipei. She asked how I am. From the reply she could hear I'm not well.
I'm really not well. I'm struggling horribly. I'm having difficult coping, sleeping, eating. It's the void, the loneliness, the inability to connect with anyone, inability to feel love and loved, to love and to appreciate life and all I have. What is the meaning of life without real friends, without someone you can trust fully, confide in completely?
My cousin said it pains her deeply to hear me sound like this.
One was me on the flight home. On EVA for some reason. The seats were so luxurious, and meals a real feast. I saw a old high school friend on board. She was going to Taipei for some reason, to shoot a documentary.
The next two (?) dreams I saw myself at the commemoration ceremony. I was running around trying to buy food to offer mum. All these relatives were around. I was distraught.
I broke down. Right there on the street and just sobbed and sobbed... I have never seen myself cry like that ever. It was so painful, so difficult to see myself like that...
So painful!
So painful! So very painful....
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