I woke up to the sound of my brother calling me. Minutes later, still dazed I was the target of a long rant.
It is perhaps his way of showing how He cares, and he does not know any better way to express himself than get frustrated. But when I mentioned I wanted to go visit him and his family in Europe and visit a friend in southern Africa, he went on about how irresponsible I am and how I'm wasting money traveling around. I just wanted to see family, to feel "at home" again... I just want to go somewhere to free my mind. But I have to justify it.
What about your job? What about your plans to buy a house? What about what you want to do next?
"You're just escaping reality!" It's true. I'm just trying to escape. "Why are you still like this? It's been so long!"
He too is our mother's child.For him it's been so long. For me, I'm still dealing with the after effects of the loss... aftereffects that are compounded by the loss of dear friendships and breakdown of my own mental wellbeing.
I reminded him he has a family, a home, a stable job. I'm still searching for what I want, still trying hard as as much as I can to find meaning and working toward the bar. I'm trying, trying and giving my all in the circumstances. I reminded him he was like this for two years after he graduated, just sitting at home and trying to find something... Am I not doing enough? Where can I find the energy to do more? Where do I find the support to keep me going and hoping for something? Not from my own brother, that's certain now.
I went quiet and wanted to cry.
"Do whatever you want..." He said and hung up the phone.
Maybe this is the kick I need to get myself going. The brutal, hurtful painful kick.
I'm struggling already, struggling to live, struggling to deal with depression and get by. I need some affection, so semblance of care and understanding, encouragement and empathy. He too lost a mother. He has the resources to help him cope and move on so quickly. I do not.
Terrible sadness again. Feel like being kicked when I'm already down....
It is perhaps his way of showing how He cares, and he does not know any better way to express himself than get frustrated. But when I mentioned I wanted to go visit him and his family in Europe and visit a friend in southern Africa, he went on about how irresponsible I am and how I'm wasting money traveling around. I just wanted to see family, to feel "at home" again... I just want to go somewhere to free my mind. But I have to justify it.
What about your job? What about your plans to buy a house? What about what you want to do next?
"You're just escaping reality!" It's true. I'm just trying to escape. "Why are you still like this? It's been so long!"
He too is our mother's child.For him it's been so long. For me, I'm still dealing with the after effects of the loss... aftereffects that are compounded by the loss of dear friendships and breakdown of my own mental wellbeing.
I reminded him he has a family, a home, a stable job. I'm still searching for what I want, still trying hard as as much as I can to find meaning and working toward the bar. I'm trying, trying and giving my all in the circumstances. I reminded him he was like this for two years after he graduated, just sitting at home and trying to find something... Am I not doing enough? Where can I find the energy to do more? Where do I find the support to keep me going and hoping for something? Not from my own brother, that's certain now.
I went quiet and wanted to cry.
"Do whatever you want..." He said and hung up the phone.
Maybe this is the kick I need to get myself going. The brutal, hurtful painful kick.
I'm struggling already, struggling to live, struggling to deal with depression and get by. I need some affection, so semblance of care and understanding, encouragement and empathy. He too lost a mother. He has the resources to help him cope and move on so quickly. I do not.
Terrible sadness again. Feel like being kicked when I'm already down....
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