Why?

for the longest time, I've loved the song Annie Lennox song "Why". Last night, I listened to it again and read the words to the song as I did so. And how beautiful it describes my feelings...

The lament of a brokenhearted lover, deeply hurt, perhaps even feeling betrayed. Broken dreams, promises, longings of the past that once was. The person is left wondering why at the end of it all... Why it all ended, why so abruptly, why so cruelly? 

I too ask why, and it's what bothers me a lot at this very moment. Am I making my sorrow and grief out to be larger than it really is? Am I stuck in the past and unable to move from pain and hurt? Why do I feel soft for someone else who has his own support and family and lover to lean on? 

 I don't want to be a perpetual victim any more! I hate being weak and being taken for a fool! I want to stand up strong and feel good about myself and stop being treated like I'm some kind of pariah and lazy good for nothing. 

Am I so self absorbed and selfish that I cannot think of any reason why someone who I thought was my best friend and potential partner for life would have a change of heart and act as if all that existed between us meant nothing? I know that was a year, over a year ago, but this year, this horrible year since I lost my mother, is the very moment, the very year I need someone strong and trustworthy to lean on. But why can I not do that? Why can I no longer trust, why can I  no longer feel at liberty to call or have contact with the one person who said he would be there? Why is it that the person you care about most is the person why hurts you most deeply? 

Grief is so hard alone... Unbearable! Torturous! Mum's dead, and can no longer offer me comfort or console me when I am down and sad... 

And coupled with the loss of one's  dearest friend and confidante... It's feels like the world collapsing around me. Like I am the only person in the world! 

Living and breathing and getting up for work and for life is so difficult when all the love and hope and dreams you once clung onto shatters and disappears. Again, I am a fool to attach so much meaning to people. A fool to trust and put all my hope and happiness in promises. 

But It just is the way it is. There's  no reason why, just the way it is. It's just the way it is. No one to blame, no way around it. 

At the end of the song, s-/he hauntingly repeats in a whisper that's full of frustration and hurt:

"And this is how I feel 

Do you know how I feel? 

'Cause I don't think you know how I feel 

I don't think you know what I feel 

I don't think you know what I feel 

You don't know what I feel"

No, nobody knows how I feel.

Does anyone even care to know or care to listen?