Pre-departure

I cycled today, something I did not expect I would be doing, especially given that a few days ago I was completely stressed about packing my belongings and going abroad tomorrow. But somehow, all that mess in my room has been tidied away, put into suitcases and boxes (or thrown away!), and by this morning I was more or less ready to leave the Netherlands. I called a number of companies to tell them to cancel my contract, and also did some administrative errands to make sure I will be deregistered as a student.

Yesterday night I was still lying in bed early in the morning at 2am thinking about what needed to be done. But surprisingly, it went very smoothly, and the people I contacted or spoke to were really (surprisingly) helpful (by Dutch standards). So by noon, I even had time to go see my old colleagues and hug them goodbye.

My mum had been waiting patiently for me to finish all I had to do this whole week. I had promised her that I would take her cycling, and seeing it was the last day I am here with her, I really did go cycling!

It was so pleasant, and I could think of no better way to say goodbye (at least for now) to this country than by bike. We rode through the forests, stopped to watch deer and the Queen's palace, and rode onto to the bourgeois district of Wassenaar, which my mum has always enjoyed cycling through. All those beautiful mansions tucked away in the forest. Purely serene... I remembered then that when I was little I promised my mum that when I grow up I would buy one of those BIG houses in the woods so that she can retire and enjoy her life there... Sadly, I still need to earn a big salary, and to do that, I still need to finish my studies and get a decent job.... one day. A thought came over me, a grim thought, especially seeing mum's cheeks which have sunken a bit after all that therapy.... would it be too late?

But why dwell on the what if's and hows and whens, when I could be enjoying those precious few moments cycling next to my mum and seeing her so happy and so full of life? There were so many beautiful moments, when I looked at my mum from the corner of my eye, and wished I could capture that moment of her when she is smiling so naturally because she is so free and so enjoying herself in all this nature surrounding us.

Later in the evening, we went out to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend. It was a really fancy restaurant, but they insisted that it be one, to 'celebrate' my coming months of success. I just felt embarrased that we had gone out to eat because of me, but nonetheless it was a really cosy get together.

Before I leave in a few hours...

Final days

Lately I've been extremely moody and stressed. I feel it, and I don't like it, and the more I don't want to be moody, the more I feel stressed.

I think the state of my room at the moment has a lot to do with it. Everywhere, there are papers and my belongings strewn all over. I'm sifting through 24 years of my life in less than 7 days, and I need to decide what I should keep and what I can throw away. Being the nostalgic and sentimental person, I feel like I'm throwing a part of me everytime I put something in the bin... a ticket stub, my school notes, my old clothes (some which I don't even fit any more...), a stuffed toy... it's hard to let go, but then again, somethings I know I will never use or look at again, probably forever! And these are just material possessions. Not that they cost much, and much of it is probably just junk to any other person, but they hold dear sentimental value.

Problem is, I really want to get everything out of this house before I leave the country. My brother says I'm welcome to leave things behind, but I just want to have a clean break from this place. I just want to leave, and never come back here, because this is no longer my home. And why should I leave my things in a place I don't feel comfortable in? I'd rather pay a storage space to pile all the things I'm not taking with me to Canada than leave it behind here. But there's so much of it, and thinking about it just annoys me...

I guess I'm feeling moody partly (or perhaps greatly) because I'm only now starting to realise how little time I have left. I guess people panic when they realise time is really ticking, and they start to wonder why they didn't do things earlier. And so it is now with me... realising that my time here in the Netherlands is short and counting down, though I would like to take things slowly and appreciate every last moment of it. Seems like I still have so much unfinished business to take care of... contracts that I need to cancel, my studies which I need to deregister from, and all those people I need to meet and bid farewell to... I wish I could have the luxury of taking it slowly, and doing everything bit by bit without having to rush it... And most of all, have the time to see all those people I would like to see before I leave this country, maybe for good.

Going for a walk after dinner today, I went to the rose garden nearby where I've been going since I was a little boy. Seeing those flowers and trees reminded me of the time when I used to run around barefoot on the grass and admire the birds building their little nests in the ponds. But today, even though it might be the last time to go there for a long time to come, I was in no mood to admire all this beauty around me. My mind was tense and my mood depressed... I felt really bad afterwards, since I really was not pleasant company for my mum, who just wanted to enjoy the nature and the sunset... I felt really guilty and apologised for ruining her evening... and also my evening with her, since in two days I will be saying goodbye to her too.

Saying goodbye, to things, to places, to people I care and love most... it's hard, and I wish I could have the time to do it all at my own pace, to treasure every moment of it and remember every bit of detail.... but time is short. And has just gotten shorter.

Freak storm

It first rained, and most of the guests sitting on the patio were undisturbed. Then it poured, and we decided to move into the restaurant. A wise decision, as only moments later, it began to hail. Huge balls of eyes, some as big as a child's hand, striking down on the earth and breaking into endless shards as it hit the ground. Pedestrians fled for cover, and the normally tranquil square now seemed a disaster area, littered with pieces of broken ice. I sat in the comfort of the restaurant and looked outside. The waiters scrambled to keep the guests assured, and tried to drain the pools of water that had collected on the parasols and that threatened to drench the guests sitting below.

Then, in one swift move, the wind shrieked and howled and cried, as rain ripped outside like a mad creature unleashing all its might and fury. It has been a long time since I saw anything like it... and the scene was reminiscent of typhoon-like conditions. The fierce and rapid fallings drops of rain, coupled with piercing winds. Chairs slid, tables shook, and the guests, drenched and shocked, now fled inside, not even bothering with their food and drinks.

I sat in the relative calm, and admired the chaos unfold before me.

Second day of being back in the Netherlands, and brother had kindly offered to take us on a long Sunday-drive. Mainly to go to this outlet shopping mall some two hundred kilometres away for cheap deals and good buys, but incidentally we were lured by the sunshine and hills of Limburg-- a rarity in a flat and plain land as this one-- and drove further to the city of Maastricht. Besides the freak weather show, it was a pleasant drive. We enjoyed each others company, joked and chatted. And bringing us all together was mum, which looked energetic and happy-- a far cry from when she was undergoing chemo treatment not so long ago.

We talked about trips together, about what mum can do now that she has decided to take a long leave from work. Sometimes you reach a stage in life when you realise the most important thing is not just work or making money, but sharing with family moments of joy and togetherness. Whatever will be, will be, and nothing else really matters anymore. There is really no point to fret or dwell on when or what if, but just enjoy the time we have together.

Enjoy the beauty and shared moment when the sun slowly set, and cast a golden hue on the clouds and all the land below.