Final days

Lately I've been extremely moody and stressed. I feel it, and I don't like it, and the more I don't want to be moody, the more I feel stressed.

I think the state of my room at the moment has a lot to do with it. Everywhere, there are papers and my belongings strewn all over. I'm sifting through 24 years of my life in less than 7 days, and I need to decide what I should keep and what I can throw away. Being the nostalgic and sentimental person, I feel like I'm throwing a part of me everytime I put something in the bin... a ticket stub, my school notes, my old clothes (some which I don't even fit any more...), a stuffed toy... it's hard to let go, but then again, somethings I know I will never use or look at again, probably forever! And these are just material possessions. Not that they cost much, and much of it is probably just junk to any other person, but they hold dear sentimental value.

Problem is, I really want to get everything out of this house before I leave the country. My brother says I'm welcome to leave things behind, but I just want to have a clean break from this place. I just want to leave, and never come back here, because this is no longer my home. And why should I leave my things in a place I don't feel comfortable in? I'd rather pay a storage space to pile all the things I'm not taking with me to Canada than leave it behind here. But there's so much of it, and thinking about it just annoys me...

I guess I'm feeling moody partly (or perhaps greatly) because I'm only now starting to realise how little time I have left. I guess people panic when they realise time is really ticking, and they start to wonder why they didn't do things earlier. And so it is now with me... realising that my time here in the Netherlands is short and counting down, though I would like to take things slowly and appreciate every last moment of it. Seems like I still have so much unfinished business to take care of... contracts that I need to cancel, my studies which I need to deregister from, and all those people I need to meet and bid farewell to... I wish I could have the luxury of taking it slowly, and doing everything bit by bit without having to rush it... And most of all, have the time to see all those people I would like to see before I leave this country, maybe for good.

Going for a walk after dinner today, I went to the rose garden nearby where I've been going since I was a little boy. Seeing those flowers and trees reminded me of the time when I used to run around barefoot on the grass and admire the birds building their little nests in the ponds. But today, even though it might be the last time to go there for a long time to come, I was in no mood to admire all this beauty around me. My mind was tense and my mood depressed... I felt really bad afterwards, since I really was not pleasant company for my mum, who just wanted to enjoy the nature and the sunset... I felt really guilty and apologised for ruining her evening... and also my evening with her, since in two days I will be saying goodbye to her too.

Saying goodbye, to things, to places, to people I care and love most... it's hard, and I wish I could have the time to do it all at my own pace, to treasure every moment of it and remember every bit of detail.... but time is short. And has just gotten shorter.