Long distance friend

For close to a year we lost touch,  but she suddenly wrote to me yesterday and we connnected again.

Two weeks apart our birthdays are and we share so many feelings and experiences, the most intense of which is the loss of our mothers through cancer.

It is so comforting to hear from her and to write to her, because she will and can understand. Because she will not look at my words and expressions and call me socially inept or antisocial. She knows what it means to lose someone, she knows what it feels like to lose all ambition and to break down, even two years on (she lost her mum a year or so before mine.... I remember that day well when she wrote to me. She was distraught, and I was with my mum that time. I cried for her loss, even though I only met her twice in my life. I cried because I know her pain will be my pain. And perhaps better than anyone else, I can share and feel that pain, and she can feel that pain of mine...)

How comforting to hear from her thats I'm doing the best I can, even though I break down and my mood dives. Nobody can understandd why I at times choose to shut down and shut everyone away. Do i not have that right? She said she dors that too, even to her fiancee, just to cry, just to be alone , just to try to find some semblance of sanity and normality again.

Death robs you not only of your loved one, but also of your ability to make sense of things and of the world. Death makes you see so clearly the futility of so many things we get so upset about.... Death makes you wunder how people can spend hours discussing such trivial things. Losing some one you love makes you special, it's a rite of passage not everyone has experienced (but everyone will experience one day, one day...)

Loss isolates you from people who cannot understand, from people who have no patience or who are afraid to talk about it.

But, as my friend said, experiencing loss and death can also be so empowering. It charges you with this sense of "I can achieve and face anything", for better or worse . It doesn't make you superior to everyone else, just makes you more sensitive and sensible about life and how much time we waste by taking each moment for granted.

She wrote to me and empathised with me about how lonely I am. She encouraged me to seek out someone, a significant other who can feel me, who can see through the sadness and see the potential and the warmth in me. Nonesense that I must learn stand on my own now. How can I even stand when everything and everyone I've known and cared about fell apart and disappeared? 

Now more than ever I need love. I've heard this before, even (and surprisingly) from the monk I occasionally talk to in times of desperation and need. Love does heal all wounds, love and the touch of another who has a special place in your heart can do so many wonders...

My friend said her fiancee has saved her so many times from giving up and losing it all. She expressed concern that I am facing all these emotions alone and lack support to fully make me heal.

But go on I must, day by day by day, even though there are so many moments I don't want to go on anymore and choose to drown out emotions and anxiety and pain with sleep (or drink...). I must go on, even if I feel such emotions that just exhausts me deeply and that I cannot share at all except on this blog?

One day, I will be stronger.

One day.

One day.

Ian Kelly Take Me Home

gratitude

I dragged myself out of the house and into the yoga studio. Today's afternoon session is a special "karma" session, where students pay a minimum of  $5 for the usual class. I emptied a bunch of coins which I gave to the designated donation jar along with a twenty dollar bill. The money would go to a charity called "Share the Warmth", which provides food and warmth and tutoring to underprivileged children in my area of the city.

The yoga session, 90 minutes of it, was intense and I had difficulty concentrating. There was one pose, ironically called the "awkward" pose where you have to half squat and stand on you heels and stretch your arms out, pretending you are sitting on an invisible chair with your back straight, which was extremely intense. But the yoga teachers encouraged us, and said whoever can hold the position like that for a minute, they would donate extra money to the charity. I strained to stay in the pose, strained and strained and felt my arms and feet breaking, felt sweat beads flow down my cheeks and chest... But I did it. I conquered the time, conquered the strain and stiffness, the muscle aches and sweating, conquered my own willpower and succeed. And it felt wonderful. Wonderful.

The rest of the session, I struggled through, tried the best I could to strike the poses and hold them for thirty seconds. Focusing on the breath helped. Focusing on one point n my body or one point on the wall in front of me, helped. And I pulled through the ninety minutes, and was so relieved to do so.

The last pose was the relaxing pose. Everyone lay on the floor as the teacher told us to relax. She read out a poem. A beautiful, beautiful poem about gratitude...

Gratitude that I am breathing...
gratitude that I can see the birds flex their wings...
Gratitude for the arms and legs that I have, gratitude that I can practise yoga and have this time (and the means...) to develop my spiritual self and connect with my mind and my body...
Gratitude for family, for the season of warmth and sharing with loved ones...

At that point, I closed my eyes and cringed.
It was a raw nerve that was struck. I felt heavy and could burst out crying. Perhaps the intensity of the heated yoga room got to my brain and emotions... I could hardly bear it.

I feel gratitude that once I had family, once I had my mother and my father... I saw my mum's loving face, saw dad's smile and felt the way he used to pat me on my head growing up... I saw mum's eyes, face, felt the way she used to grab my arm when we used to walk side by side... Gone now. All gone now. Lost forever. All's gone now, all but memories that will fade, and fade and fade... All experiences and emotions that can never be replaced.

How do you go on, how do you face the music, face the world, without love...? How do you go through it all alone?

I feel gratitude that I have a nephew, have my brother and sister-in-law. But they are far away. Far away, and I cannot feel the joy, simply cannot feel the warmth of the holidays.

I simply cannot.

Collapse

 I slept.
Slept.
Just slept.
Woke up to use the washroom, watch tv, fill my growling stomach, and climbed back into bed again. 

Damned be all the work I need to to do, damned be the books I need to read and study.
I just want to escape, hide under my blankets, hide under my closed eye lids.


It's freezing out there, and the snow keeps on falling. I cannot find any semblance of warmth. I turn inwards, turn to pornography, turn to my writings, my words, by they desert me.

This most festive and family-oriented season of all is the most painful and difficult experience of all. How do so many people go through this season alone? How do they shut away the lights and colours, shut away reminders of pretty little shop windows and pretty pictures of mum, dad and the kids sitting in front of a fire place?  How do you tune out of christmas music about love and togetherness , warmth and family?

I dread the coming of the holidays, dread the reminders of get-togethers and having to pretend that everything is well and dandy.

I miss my parents so very dearly and so painfully...
I miss the soul mate and one true friend I thought I had...