New Years Day 2010

, it is beautifully drifting with white fluffy snow. The first few hours of the new year, and the weather is pretty mild. But there is a beauty that lingers in the air, that falls and floats with the flakes of snow that descend to cover the world with a blanket of white softness.

The first moments of the new year I spent with some friends at the Old Port of Montreal. The moment came unexpectedly, and suddenly in the distance the crowd began with the countdown. We counted down too, surprised that the year was coming so quickly. We hugged, and according to a Mexican tradition, each of us ate 12 grapes to symbolise the 12 months of the new year. With eat grape you are supposed to make a wish.

I made a wish... happiness and good health for my mum, happiness and good health for my brother, peace for Taiwan, my homeland, peace in the world, happiness and good health to all my friends, happiness and good health to all my family, happiness and good health to all sentient beings in the world, happiness and good health to all non-sentient beings, happiness and good health to my dad...

When I got to that bit, my eyes watered. The firework display above the frozen river and snowy landscape seemed so distant away. I heard the crackle of the fireworks, saw the blinding and colourful exchange of the pyrotechnic display. Yet, perhaps because of the alcohol, I was dazed and overcome with a sudden sense of longing and missing. How I wished dad was there to share that moment... how I wished I could be there with mum to welcome the new year in... all the cheerfulness and laughters and salutations of the surrounding crowd was not enough to overwhelm the sudden pensive mood and sorrow that crept up.

Happy new year... I hope it indeed is a happy one, every single day, for every single person

Goodbye 2009

One more day till the end of the first decade of the millennium. It seemed like yesterday I was sitting at home alone and playing Sim City 3000 in those first few moments of the first year of the 2000s. And now, some nine years later, I have changed, and so have many circumstances of my life changed.

The number of blog postings for this year has halved since the previous year. Maybe I just don't feel the inspiration or the frustrations to write much any more. I know that quantity counts less than quality, but to be honest, I have been lethargy and verging on lazy this entire year. I am not sure what it is, or why that is... But I do know much of the time I have spent sleeping, or in that sleep-like state of mind lying in bed. Dazed, unmotivated, unchallenged and, dare I say, depressed.

It is true I have good friends here, and a mother who cares about me dearly far away. Yet inside I feel somewhat empty of feeling, like there is a void that is longing to be filled, like there is something that is waiting to be discovered. Is that longing for love? Longing for closeness, for closure with the passing of my father, longing for some dramatic achievement and recognition, or simply longing to finish my long-overdue thesis and finding some stability?

I do not know. But maybe 2010 will hold the answer.