"We make our own magic..."

The Office

What's been keeping me sane these past few weeks is discovering the beauty and laughter in the hit-comedy series, The Office. It's touching, romantic, and the characters are so very real. 
Ten years the show ran for, and only ended earlier this year. A classic quote...

"No matter what happens, you got forget about all the other stuff. You got to forget about logic, and fear and doubt. You just got to do everything you can to get to the one [person] who's gonna  make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump..."
The Office

Seeing mum and dad again

Mum was next to me, smiling, laughing...
Dad stood by my side, and he too smiled...

We were together again, together, like we used to be. Traveling together like a family again, like they never ever left.

Anything is possible in a dream. Anything.

The dead become alive again, the long lost lover lies by your side again, the lonely becomes loved and comforted.

Anything is possible in a dream.

When you wake up from the dream, the pain of reality is unbearable.

Maybe this Christmas

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=JITHqWLhj3M&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DJITHqWLhj3M%26feature%3Dyoutube_gdata_player

Watching the Polar Express , one of my favourite Christmas movies of all times. It's a riveting, sweeting, loving and fantastical tale about children, toys and dreams come true.

A friend invited me to his place, saved me from Christmas eve spent alone at home, something I felt I could face. This season is not easy, but lucky I have dear friends who take me in.

There were moments I felt this pain... This is such a family-oriented holiday, such a holiday filled with the symbolism of love and spirit of giving. And i miss nu parents dearly. (For some reason my brother has not called, even though I sent them such an expensive package of goodies...)

Sitting next to the tree that I helped decorate a few weeks back, I am filled with this longing again. Longing for family, for finding this signifisnt other I can fully care and cherish, and who can fill me with the courage and strength to pick myself up and move forward. Life is a constant struggle on your own. Life feels so heavy and so meaningless at times when you are on you own and trying to figure things out without much parental guidance or emotional support...

Yes, I am very fortunate to have food, friends and warmth on this cold cold day.
But do we all have a right to dream, to believe in miracles on this most magical day of the year?

Maybe this Christmas...
Maybe this Christmas...

Isa

I never met the girl, but I cried when my friend told me that she passed away.

For over a year, she's been battling brain tumour. How beautiful she is, how brave. I rmember the shock to my friend when he said to me a classmate of his sudden was diagnosed. Stage IV , I believe, last year. She went through surgery, treatments, and her family and friends rallied around her. My friend even shaved his head to stand in solidarity with her, in a campaign called "you save, I shave". It was touching.

Last year, when I went to India on my little pilgrimage, I prayed for her and got her a bracelet from the Middle Land. And anynomously, I donated some money to the campaign to provide her better treatment and allow her to enjoy herself and laugh and forget that she's fighting this terrible illness.

My friend said she passed away. My heart sunk, and felt how the family, how her newlywed husband must be paining. It is extremely sad, and I know very well the pain.

I know very well the void and the horrible longing and missing. How tired they must be after this long struggle, how very tired.

Now she is gone. No more illness, no more pain... Free now, free from suffering. Left on earth, are the loved ones who must now hurt and learn to move forward.

And what a long, long and difficult process it is.

Fallen Phone

I cleared the balcony of my second floor duplex apartment before heading out. Lots of snow has accumulated, and over the course of the weekend, I've had to clear snow three times. 

Some snow had clumped, like cat litter, with the ice storm that's been wreaking havoc throughout most of southern Ontario and Quebec. So the clumped bits of ice were hard to clear, and I had to strain and use more weight of my body to get rid of them. If I don't, I'm always afraid my neighbour below may get injured from unexpected falling ice.

I leaned on the broom and scrubbed as hard as I could. Clumps of ice fell to the little yard below and punctured the metre or so of snow and ice. Then something long and silver came hurtling out of my jacket pocket. It flew downward like a frisbee and sliced through the snow mound below. There was a visible thin slit cut through.

"Oh, God!" I thought to myself. I'm not a materialistic one. Goodness no. I've lost so many dear things in the past year or so, I know loss is just part of it all. But it was my new HTC  phone, one I'm so proud to own (it was voted phone and gadet of the year, contrary to neighsayers like my brother...). And it wasn't cheap, especially as I had it shipped in from overseas. 

I ran down the flight of stairs (thank goodness I'd cleared the snow the night before...) And wanted to climb over my neighbour fence. I felt uneasy, and it crossed my mind to first ring theit door first. But I was worried about the phone getting wet or too iced abd about "cold" damage. So I just spread my legs and crossed into the snow mound. My legs sunk right in. Close to my waist, whixh is almost a meter. I felt my jeans and boots get damp. I dug into the snow, following the place where my phone made its mark. I dug and felt my fingers turn cold and quickly numb. I felt around. Nothing. I felt a bit more. Sheets of ice I felt and grabbed onto which crumbled in my fingers. Then suddenly something solid. How relieved I was to feel something metallic. 

I quickly hauled it out. My phone. It was moist and felt cold. I quickly wiped it as best I could. I turned on the lock screen. It was working. Someone had called but I missed it (turned out to be my ex...). 

I put the phone in the pocket next to my chest. To warm it up, lest it get hypothermia.

You have to be able to laugh at the mishaps in life. You have to appreicate how life makes fun of you and holes with you. 

Betweeb Mum and dad

We were walking up this hill together, mum, dad and I. At one point, even hand in hand. They appeared to be older, at least older than they ever became before in real life.

It seemed to be some kind of temple we were heading for, some kind of sacred temple or burial ground. I walked slowly with them, at points helping them up the steep hill. They smiled at me and we exchanged glances.

We came to this memorial of sorts. There were picture of different people, some really happy looking, other at the end of their life, looking frail and ill. I walked ahead a few steps and stopped in front of a picture of mum.

She sat on the edge of the bed, dressed up beautifully and wrapped with a large grey shawl. She looked so elegant, so delightful. I turned back to see my parents approach. I smiled at them, and gestured for them to look at the picture.

They smiled...

They smiled.

I woke up crying again.

Signing in...

 

I had to sign in to skype today, something I do only once or twice a month these days. Before, I would sign in once a day, at the very least to call  mum.  

I went through a list of my contacts, as a relative asked if I have the details of a family friend. And then I saw mum's profile. Mum's still on my list. I clicked on her profile and enlarged her picture. It's one she took of herself using the video camera I installed for her when I taught her how to use skype three, four years ago. Her status? "Trying the new pad", a reference to when I got her a new pad days before  my birthday (literally, her "birth-date", date of giving birth...) in 2012. Mum would use that pad for four months or so before she left...

I could not stop crying.

I miss talking to mum so much.
I miss her care, her love. 

I miss having a human touch and compassion that is boundless.

It's bad enough that Christmas is coming in two days. I could not cope with the pain of loss and the loneliness of not having family close by. The continuing cold spell is making things even worse, so much that for two weekends in a row, I've just slept and slept and hid under the covers most of the time. It's not healthy, I know...

Awash with grief, I don't know what to do.

I really am dreading the coming few days, and I can't wait till the holidays are over so I can go back to work again.

I really wish I had a place I could go to and be where I do not feel judged or  self-conscious, where I can leave whenever I want to, where I can cry if I want to.

Travelling

I saw mum, and dad, and thety were so happy. We were walking around in a large department store, and it was so beautiful. We chatted we smiled, we laughed and joked...

Another scene... On the way to the airport. Mum is leaving somewhere on the plane. I was in that mood, that pre-departure mood. I went online to make sure she got an upgrade, and it went through without a problem. My ex appeared, together with a female friend. They were on the same flight. Somehow I wasn't going with them (to Canada).

I kept telling them to take care of mum, to watch over her and keep her safe.

When they finally left, I broke down and cried so hard...