Signing in...

 

I had to sign in to skype today, something I do only once or twice a month these days. Before, I would sign in once a day, at the very least to call  mum.  

I went through a list of my contacts, as a relative asked if I have the details of a family friend. And then I saw mum's profile. Mum's still on my list. I clicked on her profile and enlarged her picture. It's one she took of herself using the video camera I installed for her when I taught her how to use skype three, four years ago. Her status? "Trying the new pad", a reference to when I got her a new pad days before  my birthday (literally, her "birth-date", date of giving birth...) in 2012. Mum would use that pad for four months or so before she left...

I could not stop crying.

I miss talking to mum so much.
I miss her care, her love. 

I miss having a human touch and compassion that is boundless.

It's bad enough that Christmas is coming in two days. I could not cope with the pain of loss and the loneliness of not having family close by. The continuing cold spell is making things even worse, so much that for two weekends in a row, I've just slept and slept and hid under the covers most of the time. It's not healthy, I know...

Awash with grief, I don't know what to do.

I really am dreading the coming few days, and I can't wait till the holidays are over so I can go back to work again.

I really wish I had a place I could go to and be where I do not feel judged or  self-conscious, where I can leave whenever I want to, where I can cry if I want to.