Time to go home

I think it's time to leave home again, and time to go home.
It's been over eight months since I left Holland, and I'm starting to feel that I've overstayed my welcome at home here in Taiwan. I never knew and never imagined that it could come to this, but it has.

Admittedly, I've not been doing anything 'productive' in recent weeks. I've not been studying, nor have I been working. In short, "not productive", productive being contributing to the economy, in the strict sense. Instead, I've been volunteering, travelling, reading a lot, and doing a lot of writing, and getting to know myself a little better. But those are by no means 'productive'.

In yet another heated exchange with dad, he showed much disdain in what I'm doing (which in his opinion is noting). It all started because I said that I'm planning to go down to Puli, and he accused my "heart not being at home at all" (I will skip the insulting remarks he made about my friends). It hurt. Why else have I been at home all this time, if not to be at home and be with him? I could be out there, doing things I liked (volunteering or even working (ok, admittedly illegally), getting my driver's license, visiting friends and relatives), but no: I chose to be at home so that he could be better taken care of while he was/is ill.

But how naive of me to think that anyone needed my taking-care-of. Dad made this very clear: he can take care of himself. So the smoking, the eating anything and everything, the craving for and taking in of sweets and additives that are obviously harmful to someone with liver disease and diabetes is taking care of himself? How naive I was to think that I can change all that when I am around. If I am not there, I will not see, and I will not worry, and I will not even be tempted to make a small difference.

All those meals I prepared, and the troubles behind the scenes, and those visits to the hospital meant nothing. People who know me will all too well know that I am not someone who seeks recognition or praise for what I do. But at least some acknoledgement that my presence is appreciated, or even understood, is all it takes. Unfortunately, dad made it clear that my presence is not needed, and that I would be better off away.

I am not angry at him, and I will (try) not to dwell on this for longer than it takes. But it hurts, and I see the hurt, to feel rejected by your own dad. I made it clear again to him that I have not forgotten my priorities and plans to study and to work in the future, but that I simply would like to use this year exploring the possibilities and myself. I made it clear to him again that compared to others my age, I have already gone far (of course there's always the possibility of going further: sky is the limit) in terms of study and experience. But dad is not the least bit interested or understanding. "Young people like you should be studying!"

But study what? And do what in the future? I still am at a loss what my future holds, even though I know myself I should start to apply and decided already. All that is expected of me is that I study and work. And I intend to, but is it too much for this 21-turning-22 year old to spend a few months doing what he likes? Why all this stigma that young people should be either working or studying?

Who would have known that circumtances and the situation at home would come to this? I'll try booking a flight first thing tomorrow morning.

David, it's time you left.

Sauna

Something I wrote sometime ago...

This has been troubling me a bit, and I’ve not been able to talk about this to anyone since, and I hope this can help me vent my frustrations and questions.

Just before lunar new year I was in Bangkok with a gay friend. If you’ve been to Bangkok, then you’d probably know why the place is known for its ‘sex-capade’ tourists. One night, we ended up at a gay sauna (or THE sauna in Bangkok).

I’d never been to a sauna, neither am I someone out in the 'scene', but after hearing stories from my ‘experienced’ friend (he’s quite in the gay scene, whereas I’ve always felt intimidated by it), I was really wound up to go take a peek.

It was quite an experience, and just as my friend described it—video rooms, open lounge, dark rooms, fitness gym, open showers and the likes. People walked around almost completely naked, with just a towel covering the ‘essential bits’. At first I felt really excited, the way a curious school boy would doing something naughty. But then it felt frightening as well, and the more I walked around the place and was there physically, the more I felt uncomfortable and wanted to get out. I ended up no doing anything with anyone (despite numerous offers, yes), which is probably just as well. Who knows who all these people are and what they have…

The place was simply oozing with sexual tension, it was almost oppressive. And people go there to pick up or be picked up. Everything circled around satisfying sexual desires, lusts and physical appearance without strings attached. A wink, a wave, a caress on the body, and two people (or more) start their few minutes of action. The floor was 'sticky' (can't imagine from what...) . Used and crumpled up toilet paper lay strewn all over the floor, overflowing from the bins in the cubicles. Condom wrappers lay here and there. A mess, in a paradise of sexual pleasure.

Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me and my ideas about intimacy and that big ‘L’ word, but the more I thought about (and heard) what went on behind closed booths, the more I couldn’t see the point in going to such places. Perhaps I think too much or have been too naïve, but do people really go to such places ‘just for fun’? And afterwards I felt guilty, for some reason, even though I hadn’t done anything.

Not that I’ve not had any gay sex or that I’m a prune who believes in abstinence, but why is it that such places exist for gay men (as far as I’m aware of) to indulge in themselves? It’s different from visiting a prostitute, as there you pay for the services. At such a sauna, there’s just one thing on people’s minds, and one thing that people go for when they go. The difference being consent is mutual, with no money or strings attached.

Could it be that (gay) men really have much more powerful urges that need fulfilling ? Really a set back for me, as I had thought it would be a place to meet people, which instead became a total turn-off. Which then beckons the question: where is the best place and what is the best to meet people if you’re shy and not part of the ‘gay scene’?