Dream

Second time this week, I dreamt of both my parents...

Somehow they were older, still coherent and "normal", but just older than I remmeber them. One scene, they we're getting out of the taxi in front of the home I grew up in, the one with a roof top garden, where we kept a dog named Hali. Brother was there too, and there werewolf a lot of suitcases everywhere. I was returning home from somewhere.

I helped them with their bags and went upstairs (five flights of stairs ...) Mum sat down on the sofa, dad retired to his room (where he stayed a while, but came out later as he couldn't sleep...). I saw myself taking care of them, holding them by the arms and comforting them. In doing so, I felt so comforted too...

They have been gone so long, and yet somehow I feel closer to them than anyone alive... How is that possible? Perhaps I just don't feel any connection and so distant toward people around me. I just don't make the effort any more to maintain or show that I care.

It happens, I was once told. You become mellow and tired, of things, of people... And you just want to be alone.

Can't sleep...

5am... Need to get up in three hours to get ready for another lecture. Over half way through the course, and it's enjoyable, yet extremely exhausting, especially with the other commitments and deadlines I have going on...

I lay in bed just now, and mum and dad's faces flashed before me. I guess I've been too busy , top occupied, too sleepless to think of them much. Would they be proud of me? Of all that I'm doing? Of all the reputation and name I seem to be making for myself?

But I'm sacrificing my health for work, sleep so little and pushing my body to the limit to get things done and be perfectionist... I don't dare tell friends, because too often I just get the slap in the face response "Everyone works hard! Everyone is busy!" It's disheartening, frustrating, makes me feel like I should just shut up and say nothing... What kind of friend tells you things to make you feel like you have n right to speak, no right to complain? What kind of friend makes you feel like you cannot voice anything, because everything is just interpreted as a complaint or thrown back at you?

But I can feel my head aching, and these rashes and spots spreading on my body that were not there before. I seem to get that when I sleep poorly or too little. I feel so unhealthy that I'm turning into this workaholic and don't do anything but work...

Back to mum and dad... I saw their faces, and again this emptiness filled my insides and I could not but suddenly shiver and shed a tear . Again, I feel the pain does not go away, but is simply hidden. And now nobody asks anymore... Nobody wants to hear about something that happened over two years ago.

People are tired of listening, or just inpatient... Or perhaps I need to find more people who is more patient and kinder with me who is willing to take the time to be with me and won't dismiss me when I try to express how I'm doing...