In San Jose

200214.1150 SJC time 

The flight was relatively smooth, and went by quickly with doses of Japanese movies. It was a relatively uneventful flight, but I am again in awe of the 787 Dreamliner and it's beautiful raked wings and of how quiet it is.

Landed over three hours ago, and spend almost an hour waiting to go through immigration (the Chinese were questioned for prolonged periods of time, whereas the Japanese and this Taiwanese lady just in front of me were greeted with much more courtesy...), and another hour waiting for a nonexistent hotel shuttle. So tired by the time I got to my motel (no h-), and ravishing as breakfast was light and several hours ago.

Here I am at McDonald's, the only thing in sight and within walking distance, especially as I am too tired to head to downtown San Jose. At least at this moment.

Time to rest a bit after my meal.... I just hope I don't sleep all the way through, like last time I was in Los Angeles for an overnight transit,  and miss the opportunity  to explore San Jose.

BR2198

200214.1528

Another goodbye, another trip home about to draw to an end. What a strange trip it has been, being so terribly sick and lying around most of the days I've been here. The illness has really affected me, for I am so tired and still suffering from terrible chest pains whenever I breathe...

My cousin insisited on coming with me to the airport, and together we rode the taxi there just as the sky was brightening. She's been very supportive these past few years, even before mum passed away. She was there throughout the caregiving process, she saw and knew how exhausted before and traumatised I was afterwards. She understands also, because she's a trained nurse. She understands also because she's been through similar misfortunes and hurdles and aches in relation to love and finding a mate, so she knows the feeling of loneliness and longing. Luckily, she seems to have found someone stable and committed now.

I was, to be honest, too tired to feel. Between running to meet and greet another cousin who works at the duty free to calling all the relatives and people I feel endebted to and always thank and bid farewell, I was sweating profusely once I got on board the plane. The night before, brother's loud, loud snoring woke me up every hour or so, meaning sleep was terribly disrupted. The alarm was set for 540, taxi pick up at 600. I quietly rechecked my belongings and bags and woke up my brother and sisterinlaw to say goodbye. Brother accompanied downstairs, and I told him to take care of his health and be well. 

As much as I wanted to wake him and hug him in my arms, I let my nephew sleep. He's become such a beautiful and energetic kid. So full of life, laughter and joy, he's a darling to the heart, but also can be such a handful and very demanding. Yesterday, his mum left to go to the bookstore, his dad went to the movies, and I was left with mg nephew for over an hour at this kid's playground. We played ball and balloons a bit, then when he noticed there was an "auntie" there with her daughter, he wouldn't play with me anymore. When I tried to take his hand he'd tell me to go upstairs or run away to this auntie. Quiet a character. Back in the hotel room, I peeled loquat for him and he was all over me and hugged my legs. Abd we played cars (most of which he'd really wrecked and torn pieces.. he's got the destructive streak, and looks and tenpernent, of his father...). He refused yo slep and sat up in bed for a while while his mum slept already. He looked at me, in the other bed, and was so intrigued by me for a while before he lay down and curled his little body next to his mum. Dad did not come home until later...

like a zombie I boarded the plane. It was a Hellot Kitty plane , Happy Music Time, bit I was so tired I could hardly get excited, and slept almost as soon as the plane too off. I did wake up for the meal, a special order  of the famous dumplings and chicken soup from 1 Michelin star restaurant Din Tai Fung. The service was impeccable, as always. 

It was like a dream... Coming back home, falling ill and being bed bound, and then the final few days running around trying to meet people and buy things, and going to see my parents. How sad I was yesterday, and here I was flying away , soaring into the heavens and leaving behind the country with so many people and things I treasure and love. Land disappeared beneath thick clouds, but soaring advice the cloud cover were these snowcapped peaks and majestic mountains. 

Farewell, my homeland...

Farewell...

Birthday eve

200214.2324

Birthday eve

What an honour (in a wei...) to be asked for ID on the eve of my thirtieth birthday! Sat down at a Japanese restaurant I found on urbanspoon, and saw it was almost the end of happy hour, sake for only $2! I showed the waitress, a lovely middle aged Japanese lady, my ID and said I'm turning thirty tomorrow. She laughed and after dinner brought  me a bowl of green tea ice cream with a cherry on top.

I wandered around streets of San Jose after dinner. It's a quaint small city, with a large Mexican and Japanese population. In the heart of silicon valley, it is naturally relatively new and  extremely wealthy and has a very well connected public transport network. 

I walked around, and began to feel a bit lonely. My coughing is still there, and I feel  this bad pain in my head (which, as the evening progressed, got worse and made me dizzy...). A homeless man, probably not much older than me greeted me, and asked for a quarter. I apologised, and walked by slowly, noticing that he had a rugsack of his belongings and cage with what I believe is a cat inside. He wished me goodnight. I really wanted to turn around and get him some food, or offer him something, but I did not...

I walked past a cinema, and was interested seeing something light to cheer me up (ie distract me from my own thoughts...) Just so happens the Lego Movie was about to start soon, so I went in and made myself comfortable.

It's a surprisingly good and lighthearted movie, just what I needed and wanted, and made entirely out of Lego bricks. I grew up playing Legos, and my very first one was a set of a small fort in the ocean, which came with three men. It later expanded to a robin hood castle, and various other items that made my collection grow. There was a phase of several years I was obsessed with building tall things, like a tower. I would build something as high as possible, and have different levels with landing ports for my small collection of plastic  planes and helicopters to land on. It was such an age of creativity and sense of achievement (except when the tower came tumbling down!). Something about the permanent smile on the Lego figurines has always been so endearing. I even had four figurines who I nomainated to be members of my family. They would ride around in my model trains or in the planes that I would try to build (this was another phase of my teenage years, building planes or at least machines that could fly...) The fact that these figurines were always together, always happy looking and always smiling was a contrast to reality of my family and what I wanted my family to be...

And the Lego movie emphasised this very aspect of creativity and joy to be had with existing blocks and collections. Anyone can be a "master builder", anyone can create new things and innovate and live out their fantasies. What a way to relive memories on the last day of my second decade on this world.

30th

30th Birthday 

210214.2332

It must have been the coffee I drank onboard the flight, which was served by the most delightful cabin crew I have ever encountered on United (she beats even those Business class crew I've occasionally encountered, so it says a lot. I've even written a commendation to identify her as a "model" for others in the airline). I could not sleep, even though I only managed some three hours (or less) the night before.

Take off was beautiful, especially into the sunrise. I looked out the window and was filled with a sense of hope and momentary elation. I looked out the window, at the Pacific that appeared and disappeared, at the dense conifers that became bare, arid hill tops, and that as the flight progressed northward became lofty snowcapped peaks of the American Rockies. 

Landing was bumpy , as the Mile High City lived up to its reputation as a windy city at the foothills of the Rockies. The area around Denver is so vast, so spread out, so dry and somewhat barren. Tumbleweed really do tumble in the wind, and look like cute brownish  cotton balls rolling on the ground. Later, as the shuttle took me to the hotel, I saw a row of around planes in a line all queuing to take off. Plane jam.

I lay down a bit to rest, but could not. Somehow I wanted to go visit the zoo, especially as it has great reviews and isn't too far from where I was staying. Only when I got there did I realise that this time last year, I visited a zoo too, on St Maarten. 

It was a very pleasant two hours hanging around animals and watching them in their habitats. It was discerning seeing the might leopard walk so listlessly to and fro, the great big grizzly walk up and down its enclosure and the tiger pace the same steps over and over again. I imagine such confinement must have such negative and confining impact on these creatures  that normally roam free on savannahs and in the jungle. But is conversation and research enough to justify putting a few animals in captivity? Or is a zoo just a freak show for hu-mans to stare and oogle at animals and point out how cute they are as a form of entrainment?  I was extremely touched by the elegance of the giraffes, and the sweet way three sea lions were lying and sleeping  next to one another. 

The zoo was followed by an IMAX show on coral reefs and ocean life in the South Pacific. Though I dozed off for a bit, the colours and fascinating variety of life in the sea touched me so deeply and the music moved me tears. Mum would have enjoyed the show thoroughly. She loved Imax movies, even though she could not always understand them fully.

I had planned to take the bus and looked on Google maps before hand for the place to board and times to get downtown. But the thing about traveling is you never know what you'll come across. And just as I was getting my stuffed animal, a giraffe, I inadvertently noticed rental bike racks outside the store. I've never really used a cimmunityride-share system before, so I was excited to grab one and go. Totally unexpected, especially as the weather was still so cold, I was soon exploring Denver by bike. Another city in the world I can add to the list of places I've "conquered" by bike.

Denver truly is a great city, with lots of vast open spaces, and a relatively good transportation system. I found my way to a Thai restaurant that came recommended online, and ordered some tofu with ginger and a Tom yum soup, with a mint mojito to top it off. The food was actually very disappointing and bland, and service only so-so. I ate by myself and felt somewhat lonely surrounded by all these couples who were enjoying their Friday night out. Luckily, the effects of the alcohol drowned the creeping loneliness.

As I made my way back to the hotel, I stumbled upon one of Denver's most densely populated "black" neighborhood. Even before the civil war, Colorado was at the forefront of the civil rights movment and enacted a legislation to allow sufferage to all peoples, and a black congressman was even elected to office back in the 1800s. However, the influence of the kkk grew, and segregation was always a reality that worsened before it improved after the civil rights movement in the 1960s. It was an interesting piece of history that I never knew.

I felt so dizzy when I got back to the hotel, and cycling in the cold, despite wearing several layers of clothing and gloves, did not help my already weakened health. I felt it, really, the decrease in my lung capacity that I found myself gasping for air after only a little bit of peddling (or perhaps, as they call it the Mile High City also meant that the air is thinner and made breathing difficult, especially in the cold).

I needed to rest, but just before, like always when I'm staying at a hotel, I took a long hoy bath and watched a few episodes of Ally McBeal, one of my all time favourite tv series. First day of my thirtieth year spent alone, but it was quiet and I felt free. 

Seeing dad

I saw dad in the room next to mine. In the dream, it felt like ages since I last spoke to him or did anything with him. He was there, metres away from me and I could hear him.

I called out to dad. I called out again...

I saw his face, his smile, I saw him wear that bright coloured blue and yellow jacket he loved to wear so much, I saw him wear this navy blue v-neck vest, shirt and tie. I saw him and his hair, the way it has always been combed to the side.

I felt this pain in my chest and I could hardly breathe. I chocked and shook awake from my dream. I found myself calling out to dad.

"Dad... Dad! Dad!"

It's been six years since I last saw him. Six years since he died.
Why did he appear in my dream now?

Why did I wake up crying...?