(Beethoven's Piano Concerto nr 5 (Kaiser), Second Movement...
the slow music is so moving, and the light tapping of the piano in the middle echoes a sense of desperation and longing...)
Yeah, I've not been feeling too well lately.
Started around a few months ago, first with lots of naps and chocolate eating. It got a bit better, only to get even worse, and to be 'cured' with more naps and frustrations. At first I thought it was the weather, but the weather was just a part of it. Each time it got a bit better, it was just about to get even worse.
Honestly I can't ever remember a time like this. Stressed from my studies, and depressed with my life. It's like there's nothing that can cheer me up, no one I can share with. Even the walks on the beach are just temporary cures, before I again plunge into the sea of confusion.
On the phone I spoke to a friend. I guess she noticed what I've been feeling and the conversation turned to me. At first, like often, I was a bit reluctant... but she spoke as if she knew what I was feeling, as if she could see me and what sorry state I am in at the moment. And having just talked to her, it was as if a heavy, heavy weight was lifted off of my shoulder... and for that I'm very grateful.
I notice for the last few months I've been getting out this teddy bear and just holding it while I sleep at night. It's been so many years since I last did that... since I needed that 'someone' to hold onto, 'someone' to make me not feel so lonely, that 'someone' to touch, even though it could never touch back. A small substitute for many things that are missing in my life. A substitute for the intimacy, for the closeness, companionship, and feeling of being 'loved' and loving in return. I know it's just a stuffed animal, just cotton and strings, and probably has lots of my drool and who knows what kind of germs on it, but it helps. If only a little. And in many ways it shows how bad it's gotten...
And often I play with Kitty, hold her close to her, pet her and stroke her softly while she sits on my lap. I fill with such strong feelings when I hear her purr, and when she turns to look me in the eyes and squint from pleasure. But then she'd run away after a while, and continue her own life, while leaving me feeling empty inside...
I mean for much too long I've had to go through life completely alone... Recently I realised that it's been more than ten years since I separated from my parents. I was just a teen then, but I had to live on my own and do everything myself. Nobody took care of me... nobody. I survived... I did well, I achieved a lot, got through university.... but all throughout the years I did it all without much encouragement and love. Two very simple things... but two difficult things to get, two very precious things I long for.
And all the while I give people so much without thinking much about myself. Not that I'm a saint or martyr... but it seems like I've been taking care of all these people around me, like friends and family, but I've been forgetting the most important person of all: me! To be neglected by others is bad enough, but to neglect yourself makes it a whole lot worse...
Really, the root of the problem is I'm not 'happy' with myself. I don't really accept myself as I am, and even when people say that I amaze them with the things I do and have experienced, deep down inside I reject those praises and think I don't deserve any of that. Such low self-esteem, perhaps even self-loathing... how can I ever attract love when I do not give it to myself?
At the same time, the nightmares of the past that have made me feel so poor about myself continue to be there. All the while, I continue to be living with my brother who is/was the source of a lot of the misery and pain in my childhood... I want to escape, I want to get away,
which explains maybe my constant urge to go to the beach and watch the sea. Watching all that roaring rage of nature seems to be calming, if only for a moment. But nothing compares to the emotional tsunamis wreaking chaos inside my mind and body...
Perhaps I'm a masochist, wanting to punish myself, even though I don't enjoy it at all. And I realise that I'm continuously hurting myself and limiting myself every single moment I'm stuck with the past. And I'm terribly unhappy stuck living with my brother and the girlfriend. I'm wanting for anything to escape this prison... waiting for opportunities to start my own life fresh and anew, and to cut off all of this excess baggage that's been pulling my life down and down.
And it's hard... again, going back to that self-esteem problem, I feel like I don't know what I want to do. Everywhere I look for jobs, I feel like I'm not suitable or qualified enough... why would they want me, when everyone seems to be better? If I can't even convince myself that I'm better, how can I convince an employer? I did apply to this 'dream job', which would give me the money and ability to get away from this loveless home and start life fresh in another country... but the I've not heard anything from them, and it looks like it's a lost cause.....
So I'm back to this moment, in the here and now. Unhappy, confused, constantly complaining and feeling the frustration and lost feelings boiling inside of me... And I'm stuck here... hopeless and tired. Wondering, wondering and dreaming and sleeping... while the days go by...
But my friend was right though... sometimes you just need to get very low before you go up again. It's a cycle... dip before a rise, just like everything else in life. Just ride it, just go with it, and 'enjoy' the depression.
It will pass...
It will pass...
It will pass...
Thank you, dear friend.
