Mother's Day eve

An ad came on the tv. Kids talking about their mothers. Who gives the biggest hugs? Who snuggles the best? Who loves me most of all? "Mom!" The kids shouted in unison. 

"Happy Mother's Day! Mom's are best!" Announced a voice over.

My heart sank, my throat gasped for breath. I cried there and then. 

Exam end

Exam finished, feeling exhausted and very heavy, verging on crying. I had lunch and quickly lay down for a nap that lasted till evening. 

How did I do? I'm not really sure. I was trembling during the exam, my mind blanked on several occasions as I frantically flipped through pages and pages of my notes. It's not that I didn't study. I did study, especially hard over the past two weeks. But my mind blanked, and I felt useless, dumb, felt like an idiot writing an exam for no particular purpose other than because I feel like I should finish what I started. Last time I wrote an exam, back in January, I cried and cried afterward and could not stop crying for a long while...

My friend has been trying to cheer me up, tell me exciting things, talked about the exciting travels he sent his parents on. He even gave me a gift, but how disappointed he was when I seemed to have hit dismissed it callously... I was tired, I am tired, my mind a fog and happiness or even just lightness of feeling difficult to find. 

He told me that he gets worried when his parents are on a plane, and that he regularly checks the flight to see if everything is alright. I used to do that, get very worried and sleep lightly whenever either one of my parents were on board a plane. I'd sleep and be worried when i wake up to the radio there's news of a plane crash... I was always afraid of losing them due to some freak accident. 

Those were the days before mobile phone text message notifications. Those were the days when you had to go online to check the status of a flight. "Now I don't have to worry any more. They're both dead!" I joked. It was a crude joke, very crude, and I think I was the only one bursting out laughing. 

At one point my friend realised and apologised that perhaps talking about his parents' travels maybe hard for me to hear. In a way it is, but I am happy to share and listen to how he's treating his parents to such wonderful things. It's beautiful to hear someone taking care of his parents.  

My friend tried so hard, tries so hard to cheer me up, make me laugh. And i feel guilty because he's had a long day at work and he comes home to see my sad sad face. I wish I could smile, genuinely smile and be merry and joke. But I feel different now. Lost. Heavy. Despondent. Different. And even the dynamic between us I different now. I cannot find comfort or warmth in his touch or hug, at least not in the same way I used to, not in the way I longed to be by his side. Is it me? Or maybe it's him? He's moved on, really moved on. 

I don't dare to ask, as much as I would like to know, but I don't want to be hurt again and again. I just presume that he's well, happy and with somebody and that in just a friend, a simply friend visiting for the day and gone against tomorrow. 

There are outbursts of laughter, yes, but inside there's an emptiness I cannot describe, a loneliness I cannot hide, however I try. At one point, over dinner I cried. I don't think it was noticed... What is it that's bothering me? Mum's dead, so why Would her birthday matter so much? She's gone, I have no mother any more, so why would Mother's Day this Sunday appear to be so daunting and so significant...? Sad. Heavy. Lost. Drowsy. Hurting inside. Verging on tears...

"You know I could use somebody...". That's the song playing in the background. Checked into my airport hotel for the night, ready for bed. In less than six hours ill have to be off. An early flight to a foreign country, where I don't know anyone and where nobody knows me. It's alright. I feels strangely liberating to be unknown, to "disappear", to be a person who comes and goes and leaves no trails or hints. 

Eve of the exam

Half past eleven on the eve of the exam.
Arrived here after a long train ride, during which I tried to cram more studying in.

My ex picked me up and we had a nice dinner. He tried to be cheerful and cheer me up, but I feel tired and my mind is very foggy... From the poor sleep I've been getting, from the disturbed day/night pattern I've been going through? Or is it because today is mum's birthday?

Just sad, verging on crying. My ex tried to cheer me up and give me a hug, asked me what is wrong, but what can I say? I don't know what to say, I don't know how to be comfortable around him.

I just want to get this exam over and done with so I can breathe and get away...

Mum's birthday

It's mums birthday today, the first after she passed away. Soon, coming Sunday, it'll be the first Mother's Day.

I felt a tinge of sadness when these thoughts crossed my mind. The first of anything is always very difficult, very difficult. I remember crying on my birthday... Crying at New Years, crying because there's no real reason (at least not yet...) to celebrate now that both my parents are gone.

Maybe I can honour mum but excelling, make her proud by staying hard and working hard... I am trying, but it is proving to be a terrible terrible struggle... A painful and most trying struggle and test of my will and patience...

Happy birthday mum... Thank you...

3.25am

Two days before my exam, still four long chapters to study, and still have to read all the material again to remind myself of what I've been studying. Can't remember much, feel like its all a blur...

Just got out the paper that lists the number of subjects I need to do before I'm qualified to take the bar. After the exam (provided I pass...), five more exams to do. And then two bar exams to sit. What for, I asked myself. Why am I doing this when I don't even want to practice law? But if not law , then what?

I'm so stressed I've been biting my nails even more than before. There's no more nails to bite, I'm even bleeding in some fingers... Why am I putting myself through this when I'm still so fragile, so very tired and so very very susceptible to swings of emotions and tears?

I've been unable to sleep these days till 4am or so, and wake up feeling exhausted at close to noon, sometimes even after noon. Haven't been to work for a week, have been trying to cram it all in before the exam... Feel so useless, but I'm really trying, really really trying my best, and struggling terribly because of the lack of encouragements from my mother... Do you know how it is to fight sadness and depression and to try to keep myself going by my own sheer will power and discipline? Do you know what it feels like to do something when you have so little motivation and energy to do?

Struggling to study due to poor concentration and a mind that feels like "soft cheese" (as someone in my therapy group described it...) It's such a battle to focus, to sit down and work on something, work toward something...

But one day, one day I will look back and see: I've come so far. One day I hope to look back and amaze myself that despite all odds, despite being alone, despite having no more parents around, I manage to scramble onto my two feet and stand up...