Exam end

Exam finished, feeling exhausted and very heavy, verging on crying. I had lunch and quickly lay down for a nap that lasted till evening. 

How did I do? I'm not really sure. I was trembling during the exam, my mind blanked on several occasions as I frantically flipped through pages and pages of my notes. It's not that I didn't study. I did study, especially hard over the past two weeks. But my mind blanked, and I felt useless, dumb, felt like an idiot writing an exam for no particular purpose other than because I feel like I should finish what I started. Last time I wrote an exam, back in January, I cried and cried afterward and could not stop crying for a long while...

My friend has been trying to cheer me up, tell me exciting things, talked about the exciting travels he sent his parents on. He even gave me a gift, but how disappointed he was when I seemed to have hit dismissed it callously... I was tired, I am tired, my mind a fog and happiness or even just lightness of feeling difficult to find. 

He told me that he gets worried when his parents are on a plane, and that he regularly checks the flight to see if everything is alright. I used to do that, get very worried and sleep lightly whenever either one of my parents were on board a plane. I'd sleep and be worried when i wake up to the radio there's news of a plane crash... I was always afraid of losing them due to some freak accident. 

Those were the days before mobile phone text message notifications. Those were the days when you had to go online to check the status of a flight. "Now I don't have to worry any more. They're both dead!" I joked. It was a crude joke, very crude, and I think I was the only one bursting out laughing. 

At one point my friend realised and apologised that perhaps talking about his parents' travels maybe hard for me to hear. In a way it is, but I am happy to share and listen to how he's treating his parents to such wonderful things. It's beautiful to hear someone taking care of his parents.  

My friend tried so hard, tries so hard to cheer me up, make me laugh. And i feel guilty because he's had a long day at work and he comes home to see my sad sad face. I wish I could smile, genuinely smile and be merry and joke. But I feel different now. Lost. Heavy. Despondent. Different. And even the dynamic between us I different now. I cannot find comfort or warmth in his touch or hug, at least not in the same way I used to, not in the way I longed to be by his side. Is it me? Or maybe it's him? He's moved on, really moved on. 

I don't dare to ask, as much as I would like to know, but I don't want to be hurt again and again. I just presume that he's well, happy and with somebody and that in just a friend, a simply friend visiting for the day and gone against tomorrow. 

There are outbursts of laughter, yes, but inside there's an emptiness I cannot describe, a loneliness I cannot hide, however I try. At one point, over dinner I cried. I don't think it was noticed... What is it that's bothering me? Mum's dead, so why Would her birthday matter so much? She's gone, I have no mother any more, so why would Mother's Day this Sunday appear to be so daunting and so significant...? Sad. Heavy. Lost. Drowsy. Hurting inside. Verging on tears...

"You know I could use somebody...". That's the song playing in the background. Checked into my airport hotel for the night, ready for bed. In less than six hours ill have to be off. An early flight to a foreign country, where I don't know anyone and where nobody knows me. It's alright. I feels strangely liberating to be unknown, to "disappear", to be a person who comes and goes and leaves no trails or hints.