10 March 2007

Nightmare


I was awaken by the intensity of the dream. So real... so frighteningly real. Under my blankets I crunched into a human ball. I knew I was awake, but I didn't open my eyes, fearing perhaps tears would burst out. I was in pain.

Went to sleep last night, with my head buzzing slightly from the alcohol. It was cold outside, but inside I felt warm. I haven't dreamt in a while, and last night was horrible...

I saw myself kneeling on the ground, head hanging low, completely distraught and in tears, and my hands together in prayer. I lifted my head, and in front of me was my dad. He was in pain, his body writhing the way fish do when they are out of water. I can't remember if he said anything, but he seemed to be moaning and his face was crumpled together, in obvious pain. His hands reached out to mine, but didn't touch, perhaps beacuse he was took weak to touch. And he kept on moaning and groaning, obviously suffering terrible physical and mental pain.

It was a horrible sight, and I saw myself in the dream pleading and begging with my hands together. I can't remember what I said exactly, but it was something along the lines of praying that my dad's pain would go away, and that he would pass on peacefully. I think it was pretty clear it was his final moments, and he was in complete anguish...

On his contorted face was a scared look.. a look of someone who seems to be carrying the sorrows and burdens of a lifetime, and is seeing his life flash back before his very eyes. There seemed to be a look of guilt too, or perhaps of shame and of regret... or of all these terrible things that come back to you at that moment when you yourself know time is really ticking away...

I knelt before him, feeling the intensity of the suffering consume me. I repeatedly sent him prayers and kind thoughts, and wishing that he would feel no pain, feel no more suffering. But as much as I prayed for dad's bliss and for his wellbeing, his writhing body told me othewise. His stomach was bulging-- a phenomenon I had previously seen as a child in the final days of my grandma, before she was taken away by her failing liver. They say liver disease, cancer included, is one of the most painful experience of all... and that toward the end you cannot eat or drink, but then your stomach is so inflated it feels like it's about to burst open...

And that was what I saw in the dream... dad, lying there, suffering and in pain, his hands trying to reach out, but failing... his body trying to stabilise and calm down, but moving around frantically, as if in a last attempt tp gain control, to fight against disease and suffering, but also... failing.

I knelt there, crying, praying, and begging for mercy as life came and took life away...

09 March 2007

Party


2am. Tipsy.

Just managed to travel one hour on the train and cycle home without having an accident. When you're under the influence of alcohol everything seems to be happening so fast, but your reaction slows. I'm one of these people who can drink and drink, but never feel sick or throw up. And I'm one of these people who drinks, gets tipsy, and a little quiet... perhaps even philosophical.

It was a birthday part I just attended... actually birthday celebration for three people who had their birthdays one after another recently. So in fact, the three of them and me are all the same starsign. And coincidentally one of them is born on the exact same day, month and year as me.
Never ever met anyone before who has the same birthday... so it was quite something.

But then we're so different people. He's more outgoing, and looks more mature and seems so together, whereas I'm so shy, a little naive, and so full of doubts and uncertainties and insecurities. I mean at the party there were around twenty people or so, but even so I felt somewhat lonely. Not that I didn't talk to anyone, but even when you talk to someone and meet new people, there's still this feeling of loneliness inside, which is so contradictory of all the noise and all the chattering and laughter on the outside.

I left a little earlier, perhaps even the first to leave. But early was already 1am, and I had to rush to the station to catch the train home, or else must be stuck at the station for one whole hour. As I walked out the door, into the cold, clear night with stars shining brightly in the sky above, I felt a little relieved.

In the distance the sound of people's voices and music continued, as I cycled into the silence and dark of the night.

07 March 2007

Values and interests


They say there is law that applies everywhere, because the law is the law, and is supposed to mean the same to everyone, no matter where. The law is certain, black and white, and protects the weak against the strong.

And there are values... idea(l)s, perhaps, that certain people (or states) cherish that should be protected and developed because it is seen as necessarily 'good', indisputably 'moral' and 'just'. Contrast this with interests... a self-motivation which everyone (and every state) tries to pursue so that they benefit most, and mostly at the expense of others. It is these values and interests which often makes the law appear more like a tool for those who are willing and able to (ab)use it to their own ends.

In the last couple of days I've come across two things that have made me, more than ever, more skeptical about the 'nieceties' of law, especially the interantional kind, which we lone human beings are almost powerless to influence, yet which affects us all in so many, many ways. One was some of the readings I've had to read about the so-called 'universal' human rights, and the other was a lecture I attended last night, given by an influential (and refreshingly critical) international lawyer from the University of London.

Why is international law so influential? Because through the countless number of international, multinational, bilateral and multilateral treaties and agreements there are, our lives are being regulated, to a large extent also protected, but to some extent also limited. Our fundamental rights and freedoms to life, to speech, to work and to found a family are subscribed by international law... as are our responsibilities should we commit certain heinous crimes like torture or genoicide. The environment, and how to save it from further deterioation and certain extinction, is governed by numerous agreements to cut greenhouse gases, to stop mining, overfishing, and to promote so-called 'sustainable development'. The global economic and capitalist network composed of markets, media and coporations is held in place by a complex regime of free trade and flow of goods and people. And international law regulates war and peace, it says that certain behaviour like aggression will not be tolerated, and international law has set in place security arrangements to ensure that 'aggressors' are dealt with under the banner of 'collective peace and security'. And if there is to be war and conflict, international law underwrites the standards of what you can and cannot do in armed conflict, and provides the bare minimum amount of protection for civilians and property.

Yet... international law is made predominantly by states, and the skeptic, like me, would say mostly by states which are big and powerful. How fair is it that certain states are able to sit in the Security Council just because they were 'winners' from a world war sixty years ago and wield almost unchecked authority over world affairs, and be armed with the veto power if certain events or decisions don't suit their interests? How just is it that certain states are able to wage war against whomever they see fit, supposedly in the name of promoting freedom and democracy, but actually pursuing and protecting their economic and geopolitical interests? How is it that certain states claim the right to preach and champion certain values, and if necessary take action to 'intervene' to make all other states a mould of themselves? And how can transnational corporations, many as influential and affluent as states, control and monopolise so much of the world's wealth and production, while so many countless are left out of the most basic resources for survival, let alone the benefits of the supposed progress and comforts that the age of post-modernity is to usher in?

There is much talk of principles and idea(l)s like the "international community", "democracy", "perpetual peace", "global prosperity"... but in truth the world is any thing but a community, anything but democratic, while peace and prosperity are reserved for the few lucky enough
to have been born in the Western/Northern hemisphere. True, much progress has been made because of an ever closer cooperation between states and peoples the world over, in the area of combating disease, scientific advancements, cultural exchange and political goodwill. Yet, behind these apparent successes lie the reality that the international system as a whole, and the international legal order in particular, is appalingly predjudiced and shockingly fragile to the manipulation by the few at the expense of the many.

I don't want to pinpoint certain states and people for all the faults...I don't want to criticise for the sake of criticising, but in truth, from a historical point of view, the 'west', embodied firstly by Europe alone, later by the United States together with Europe, and now more or less by the US alone, has been most focal in championing the concept of 'the international'. The ages of discovery, empires, slavery and trade, and the late age of colonialisation led to the expansion of 'western' ideas and influences to those places and people deemed savage and god-less. Religion, under Christianity, was used as a 'civilising' mechanism to convert natives into subjects sharing similar, if not same, ideologies, while trade, under trading companies, was used as a 'marketising' tool to transform natives into consumers to satisfy the unsatiable market of production and consumption. And laws, exported and implemented wholesale, were used to legitimise imperial rule, to justify territorial acquisitions and defend against local rebellions. The international was thus first a result of the European (and later America) going beyond their own continents; a direct result of the 'west's' infusion of markets, power, culture and guns into the rest of the world's territories and populations.

Thus we have the idea of the 'civilised nations', originally coined in the age of colonisation, as a way to distinguish European states and peoples from the 'rest'. The idea developed into 'international community', through the League of Nations and United Nations frameworks, under which supposedly all states enjoy sovereign equality and dignity. Though the decolonisation of the 1960s and 1970s changed the balance of power, as well as voting behaviour and direction of the 'international community', the established order of powerful (winner) states is still unbroken. 'Civilisation' turned into something home-grown and cultivated as a result of the 'west's' shared history of ideological, social, economic and political developments from the age of Enlightenment to the liberitarian and Industrial Revolutions. Today, talk of 'civilisation' is frowned upon, and mention of its clash is discredited. Yet, other slogans and notions are used in its stead, notions like 'democracy', 'human rights', 'rule of law', and 'good governance'.

As virtuous as desirable as they are, and I do agree they are the next best alternative to the worst excesses of tyranny, these idea(l)s are far from being neutral and universal. If anything, 'democracy' and all the other catch phrases, are being used as yardsticks by the 'west' to measure other states against, as a means to classify, justify, divide and rule the world, as they did centuries ago. Speak of alternatives, act in the alternative, and the policing actions of sanctions, isolation, and worse, military force, strike down hard on any one or any state that dares to differ. 'Good' and 'evil', 'us' and 'them', 'friend' and 'foe'... all so simple, simplified and all so black and white. Either you are for, or against the new world order. For there is no other alternative, no middle way.

It makes someone like me, who has been studying and working and hoping for a better world in a better tomorrow, disappointed. Really, really disappointed.

05 March 2007

I was falling alseep in class today, trying to keep my eyes open and look like I'm awake. I don't know why I'm so tired, even though I slept pretty ok last night in my own bed for the first time in two weeks.

Originally I had planned to stay the whole day in the library to finish off the paper due tomorrow, but I just couldn't. So I grabbed my bag and headed home, all along the way, looking forward to that moment I jump under the blankets and take a good, relaxing sleep.

Almost three hours I slept... not completely sound, as I kept on having these short and intense dreams... one with me floating and drifting over a beach, one of me at a party and not enjoying myself at all... the others I can't remember, but they weren't really that pleasant...

And now dozens of articles to read and a paper to write...

04 March 2007

Sunday evening before school

Just getting ready to crawl into my own bed again. I've been sleeping on the floor in the last two weeks or so and letting my dad sleep in my room. I don't mind at all, but sleeping with my cat who seems to get more and more active every night, spending time with my parents and studying late at night made me so exhausted.

In a way I'm sort of relieved that my parents are away. Life can slowly get back to normal again, without me having to wake up with the fear of when the next confrontation or argument will take place. It's comforting not having to walk around the house and trying to be on the look out for potential situations or words that can turn into a source of conflict. That constant shadow of unpleasantness and tension was tiring to live with.

Then again, I miss them both already, and I must admit, mum more than dad. They must be still on the plane, with another few hours to go until they land. Throughout the day, at times when I was sitting still, I'd wonder how they're doing, what they're doing sitting in separate seats on the same plane. The suitcases they have with them are pretty heavy, and I wish I could go along with them, if only just to lighten their load on the journey home.

Perhaps I miss the fact that while they were here, both of them gave me, in their own different ways, a feeling that I belong, a feeling of care and warmth that I need so much. I dread having to come home to an empty home, and with no one to look forward to.... I'm afraid that as the days and weeks go by, I'll again become the lonely and sighing boy, longing for that very simple and very little bit of human warmth and closeness that can make the bad thoughts and worries all go away.

There were many moments throughout today that I shed a tear or two asI recalled moments and images of them in the past two weeks here. And with the work I have still to do, the dealines approaching fast, I'll probably soon forget all the troubles and noises.

Life must go on.

Departing

I clenched my jaws and bit on the inside of my cheeks. The pain directed attention away from the pain of parting. It helped, because I didn't cry.

We stood in front of the passport control. We shuffled slowly forward, as one by one loved ones are separated by the glass wall. When it was their turn, I looked up at their faces. Dad was a little expressionless, but mum's eyes were wavering in tears. I tightened my teeth together, and tried to be a strong boy.

"Take care. You take care of yourselves..." I said, as I patted dad on his back and left my hand there a couple of moments before letting go. In those moments, I wished I could have the ability to reach inside of him, and heal his pain and illnesses... I turned to mum, and closed my arms around her. I held onto her tightly, hoping I wouldn't have to let go, hoping I could shelter her from her physicaly and mental pains. As I leaned in close to her ear, I whispered: "Take care of yourself. Live happy, live well..." Behind me I heard a sniff, perhaps coming from my brother.

My parents inched closer toward the passpart control desk, and further away from me. I looked at their backs, and silently sent them silent wishes and prayers... "May they be happy... May they be well... May they be healthy... May they be free from suffering." Then and there, I wondered when I would be able to see them again. I got flashbacks from the past... those partings that were always so difficult to bear, and all too easy to come.

Dad was through the control desk first, and he walked off without turning to look back. He swayed a little under the load of the handluggage he had strapped over his shoulders. He stopped, and I thought he would turn to look back, but instead he looked left and right, as if confused and wondering where to go next...

Mum stood before the passport control person, and as soon as she was ready, she turned to wave. I waved back. She waved back some more and motioned me to go, to go eat because we hadn't eaten yet. I nodded and faintly flashed her and smile, and mouthed "take care" through the glass barrier separating us. She walked on, turning back one more time to wave goodbye. I felt no sadness, no regret... in my mind I only wished that for the coming time when I am unable to see and be with them, they both have the courage and the strength to go on, to go on living happily and well... I watched as the back of mum's figure disappeared into the sea of people...

I stood there for a few moments, hoping and expecting to catch a glimpse of either mum or dad. Through a narrow slit in the glass barrier I could see people passing, people coming and going. But my parents had disappeared.

Slowly I left where I had stood for a short while... but I kept turning back, half expecting to see them, and half expecting to wave goodbye one more time.