Nightmare

I was awaken by the intensity of the dream. So real... so frighteningly real. Under my blankets I crunched into a human ball. I knew I was awake, but I didn't open my eyes, fearing perhaps tears would burst out. I was in pain.

Went to sleep last night, with my head buzzing slightly from the alcohol. It was cold outside, but inside I felt warm. I haven't dreamt in a while, and last night was horrible...

I saw myself kneeling on the ground, head hanging low, completely distraught and in tears, and my hands together in prayer. I lifted my head, and in front of me was my dad. He was in pain, his body writhing the way fish do when they are out of water. I can't remember if he said anything, but he seemed to be moaning and his face was crumpled together, in obvious pain. His hands reached out to mine, but didn't touch, perhaps beacuse he was took weak to touch. And he kept on moaning and groaning, obviously suffering terrible physical and mental pain.

It was a horrible sight, and I saw myself in the dream pleading and begging with my hands together. I can't remember what I said exactly, but it was something along the lines of praying that my dad's pain would go away, and that he would pass on peacefully. I think it was pretty clear it was his final moments, and he was in complete anguish...

On his contorted face was a scared look.. a look of someone who seems to be carrying the sorrows and burdens of a lifetime, and is seeing his life flash back before his very eyes. There seemed to be a look of guilt too, or perhaps of shame and of regret... or of all these terrible things that come back to you at that moment when you yourself know time is really ticking away...

I knelt before him, feeling the intensity of the suffering consume me. I repeatedly sent him prayers and kind thoughts, and wishing that he would feel no pain, feel no more suffering. But as much as I prayed for dad's bliss and for his wellbeing, his writhing body told me othewise. His stomach was bulging-- a phenomenon I had previously seen as a child in the final days of my grandma, before she was taken away by her failing liver. They say liver disease, cancer included, is one of the most painful experience of all... and that toward the end you cannot eat or drink, but then your stomach is so inflated it feels like it's about to burst open...

And that was what I saw in the dream... dad, lying there, suffering and in pain, his hands trying to reach out, but failing... his body trying to stabilise and calm down, but moving around frantically, as if in a last attempt tp gain control, to fight against disease and suffering, but also... failing.

I knelt there, crying, praying, and begging for mercy as life came and took life away...