Ill

Back in Taipei, and today I had planned to go down to the south of the island to visit relatives. But I guess the many days on the road and not sleeping or eating well enough, together with the oppressive heat, weakened me so that I'm suffering from a running nose and am feeling generally unwell...

So instead of being on the move again, I decided to take a "slow" day and went for a body massage in the morning. I know I just came back from Thailand, a place reputed for its great massages, but so many places I saw were "dodgy" to say the least, so might as well do it here with someone I know and can trust. The lady said I'm really tense, and a lot of my veins and puncture points are clogged up, which explains why I sleep badly and am often stressed. I do feel much lighter after the 3 hour treatment.

Mum is in Europe, but speaking to her I get a sense that things are not going well between her and brother. She said she can almost not live together with him any longer, because of his excessive obsession to keep his house clean. Even touching the walls seems to be a taboo, as he wants to keep it as whitewashed as possible... so imagine what he would say after mum's been to use the kitchen... I had a feeling that this would happen. When I was back in the Netherlands and stayed at his (it's really now his) house, I felt really uneasy using things, or just being there because it seemed like everything I did was scrutinised. Mum feels disappointed... that house was the fruit of years of savings and hard work, and now that it's been sold to my brother, he really makes it clear that it's his house...

Shame. Some people just don't see or appreciate where or how they get what they own in life.

Finally home...

I stirred from my sleep, waking up and realising only then that I was that tired. Having been infected with an irritated throat and a runny nose did not help the fact that I felt exhausted. I looked outside the window, and below fluffy clouds could see land...

A port in fact, with a sprawling city with chequered roads and densely placed blocks of buildings, and immediately I recognised that the plane had begun to fly by the southern city of Kaohsiung. I thought of my relatives who live down there, imagining what they must be up to.

For the next half an hour, the plane slowly descended, and more and more of Taiwan came into view. I tried to figure out the structures, the rivers, the mountains and identify what they could be. Fields of rice, narrow and shallow brooks, dense cities went by below me, and moment by moment my longing to be home increased as we approached.

It has been a long, long trip away, even though it has only been ten days or so. Somehow, the stress of presenting in front of a crowd, the oppressively hot and humid climate of South East Asia, the inconveniences of eating 'rough' while on the road, and the ups and downs of trips with friends made the trip away feel so much longer.

Glad to be home...

Brooding

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me these days, as I seem to be getting into confrontations with friends. Confrontations I don’t like, but with friends it seems especially magnified and lingering. It’s generally about very trivial things, which get to me, and which is revealing themselves more and more as I’m traveling with friends.

They say I am moody, grumpy and acting strange, but sometimes I don’t even understand what it is I do or say that seems to make people feel this way… and often I just give in and don’t even bother to explain myself, because why waste all that time and bad vibes when we’re supposed to be enjoying travels and one another’s company.

But more and more I am bothered by the snide remarks and sometimes downright malicious attempts to pull a joke at my expense. Perhaps my friends mean well and just want to "lighten" the mood with a few words and acts of careless nonsense. And perhaps I am to blame for being the fool to take their fabricated stories and tall tales seriously. But they do not understand that such careless attempts really hurts me

They do not understand why I react strongly, why I pout and become silent and do not want to say much for a while… because they do not and cannot possibly know that malicious jokes and attempts to trample all over my person is exactly how my brother tormented me with growing up. The similarities are all too frightening, and hurts me to the core. They do not know that, so I just swallow and watch the anger, the hurt, the sense of betrayal rise and boil inside before they eventually subside.

As a Buddhist I know that what people say and whatever happens around me should not bother me; should not even affect me at the least. I can grow angry, I can grow with rage deep down inside. I can let the mean-ness get ahold of my soul and let the anger linger for a long time, if not for ever… but it is ‘I’ who is hurting. To the others, after the attempt at a joke is over and done with, after they’ve had their laugh at my expense, they forget about it all, and are baffled at why I am still brooding. So really, there is no need to brood, no need to ruin rare moments together with friends with anger and lashing out or waste time explaining things. Watch the anger, watch the pain, and it will all pass…

As the saying goes, if one only takes a step back, the sky is broader and the sea looks wider.