hey applauded, actually applauded. I stood there with a
broad smile and saw smiles of appreciation and interest
reflected back, and I was touched. One or two even stood up
as they applauded. I felt awkward, not the first time I felt
awkward in front of the classroom, but this time I felt
awkward even though I knew all that hard work, the dedication
and time I put into preparing for this course paid off. Paid
off in their smiles, in their intriguing questions, paid off
in the ways many of them approached me at the end of every
class to thank you for the wonderful and thought provoking
way the course has been designed and taught. Or perhaps they
were just especially glad because there were juices, fudge
brownies, croissants and pains au chocolat to be enjoyed in
the very last class.
It has been a long, and exhausting three months. And I
imagine this must be how it is to be a first time lecturer. I
remember still how I dreaded the first class, and for the
past three months my weekends were basically extended working
days. I would stay up till four or five the day before a
lecture and be preparing power point slides and flipping
through the text book for information and all I can find on a
particular topic. It was intense, extremely intense, but at
the end of the day, when I see students engage in the
materials and present on a topic of their choice and when I
see how interested and that "spark" in their eyes, it is all
worth it.
Over the past day or so, I've received emails congratulating
me on a job well done, touching messages that soothe the
amount of work and sleepless nights I've put into preparing
the course. It was all worth, it definitely was all worth it.
("...so graceful, respectful and learned an instructor", was
one email).
After class, as I cleared up the room and packed up the
decorations, I looked back at the empty classroom. When will
be the next time I have another opportunity to stand there, I
wondered. And I thought of my parents... Were they there too?
Were there at my side in those brief moments of glory,
sharing my pride and listening to the applause echo in the
room? Were they smiling too? I hope so. I so dearly hope
so.
In fact, on the very last slide, I acknowledged all the
people who have helped me, and on the original slides, I put
my parents on there (I removed it after someone said it was
too personal... But I'll add it again and upload it to the
online learning platform for students to download). I stood
there and smiled at the students, grateful to them for giving
me this opportunity to learn and to grow, and to be "better".
As a colleague told me, I have become so much better and have
a new found confidence that was not there in the immediate
aftermath of losing mum... Yes, the past two years have been
dull and grey, and this experience in teaching has allowed me
to spark and shine again. A few times, while in front of the
classroom, I would look at the back of the room and imagine
mum and dad sitting there side by side and smiling back at
me. How sweet, yet quietly bitter, that thought is!
And what now...?
I just finished a grueling few months of work and helped to
publish two books, but nothing I can really call my work. I
taught a course, and seemed to have inspired students to look
into this field as a possible career option. But what about
me? What is my career future?
For some time I have been restless and wanted to move away
from here. I just felt I've been staying here in this city
for far too long. And I'm on my way to complete the
equivalency exams to be eligible to take bar. Yet I so dread
to go into legal practice. In fact, the more I hear people in
legal practice talk about their work, and the more I see them
change and become different people, the less I am inclined to
go into that field.
So what now then? I've had my taste of academic life, and
been more or less in it for the past ten years. I've had my
experience of teaching and research, despite not having
produced much work of my own for some time, and I do
generally enjoy this environment. Most of all I enjoy the
freedom to come And go, to do things at my own pace and have
no real boss or pressure behind me.
But am I really willing to commit another three, four years
of my life to study and to books and research? Do I really
want this?
