Breakdown again

For the second day in a row, I broke down in tears in front of mum. I could not control it... the whole day I have been miserable, been hearing the words said last night over and over again in my head, and been hurting. Many moments I was close to bursting out in tears, but I held back.

Until just now.

I don't think there was a time I felt this way, so utterly drained, so hurt, so cut deeply. I poured my heart out, told mum hold hurt I felt about our argument yesterday, told her about how I feel so rejected, especially when she says things like "It's your choice, as long as you're happy..."

Who else do I have now if I lost even my mother? The last month or so has been period of torments.... first an abrupt break up with my friend (and now with the awkward aftermath...), then dealing with the pains of mum's treatment and illness and spectre of death, and now this... Mum's inability to accept (at least for now...), and feeling guilty and responsible for causing mum hurt and disappointment, which in turn will affect her condition...

There is only so much a person can take. Have I reached that point? I wish I could just close my eyes and will everything, everyone away... I cry, and cry, and cry till there are no more tears.

And then there is calm.

Post Created 2011-07-01 11:30:06

Only my cat understands me...

Post Created 2011-07-01 1:36:15

For the second time in a week, I feel my heart ache so much. my mind is troubled by uncertainty, longing and tears...

I cannot describe that deep, deep sense of abandonment and being alone.

It will pass, I know, but it is killing me...

Breakdown

I sat on the edge of the pavement, in the middle of the park, covered my eyes with my arm and sobbed. When was the last time I was so hurt, so deeply, deeply hurt? Mum stood a few steps away from me. Was she sobbing too, was she crying because I was? I didn't look up for a long time, and even if I did, the tears were like blinding waterfalls.

How did we come to this? What happened to those beautiful moments in the mountains? Where is that peace and serenity of staring at the blue, blue glacier-fed-lake surrounded by looming mountains and songs of birds? What happened to the joy of seeing all those fresh fruits and beautiful flowers at the market earlier in the day?

Mum's voice, having recovered over the past few days of rest, was close to being lost again from raising her voice and shouting. She was visibly upset, sad, angry, at something.

At me?

Yes, at me, for being gay, for being something I have no power of changing. The source of another argument, second one in two days, and this one did not just die down like last night’s. It lingered on and on as we strolled through the park after dinner. Perhaps I should have shut up, let her rant on about her sadness and disappointment of me being like "this". Perhaps I should let her express her immense difficulty to accept me at this stage, and just let things be… I do not expect her to come to terms with things easily and quickly, and perhaps I should not be so defensive and sarcastic... but I cannot bear to hear her saying that she wants to leave because she feels she is interfering with my life here.

Mum has no idea how long I have waited for this moment, to be with her here in Canada. After all that I have put myself through, after all I have done to make her feel loved and cared for, all the effort and time I have spent with her hoping she will recover her health and travel with me to a beautiful place, and leave all the worries behind… Today it is all lost in a violent, stormy fit of anger and tears. 

I did not want to provoke her any further. All I knew how to deal with my confused and contorted emotions was just to sit on the pavement and cry. Cry... What have I not done? Have I not tried my very best to make her feel welcome and comfortable here? Have I not given her my bed, bought her so much delicious foods and made meals in the hope that she will regain her lost weight? I am not listing all the things I have done to prove that I am the perfect, filial and loving son... but what did I not do or what have I done to deserve being rejected and told that I am a disappointment?

I am hurt inside, angry even. I cannot change myself. Why should I change, for I have done no wrong! All I want is to be! To be and continuing being the caring and kind person I am, the caring and kind son I am, so what has changed, I asked her. Am I not still the same person? What have I done to make her feel so miserable here? It is all in her mind, her own happiness is in her own hands. If she wants to be miserable, even being surrounding by all the comforts I am hoping to give her, then she can be miserable. Is mum wants to be so attached to pain and hurt, even when surrounded by all this natural beauty and clean environment, then she will stay that way. I cannot change how she feels...

I can only wish her happiness and peace inside, and as I told her, it is all I wish for everytime I pray, everytime I meditate, everytime I kneel before the deities and my ancestors and make a wish. I may be hurt inside, but all I can think of is mum's happiness and wellbeing. It is not even my own wellbeing I care about, because I can forgive and harbour no ill feelings. I know tomorrow, next week, or perhaps one year from now I will recover, I will forget.

But I am so afraid, so very afraid that mum's anger and upset will cause her tumour to grow and grow... I am so afraid that her anger (and I am, willingly or unwillingly, the cause of that anger, even though I have done no wrong...) will cause those bad, bad cells to multiply and spread and kill her. The thought of that, the mere fear of that is enough to make me tear all over again....

I never meant to cause anyone pain or grief, especially not mum, especially not my parents who have given me so much, too much, I have to be grateful for. And I try, I try so hard to tell and show them how much I appreciate their sacrifices and hardships. But this one thing, me being “different”, me living an “alternative” life, disappoint them so. I do not have any ill vices, have always done my best in life and in school, and yet being gay seems to counterbalance everything else right I have done or ever been…

Come bedtime, I sat next to mum on her bed. Things have calmed down a little, and she was apologetic. “Many children your age would not take their parents on a trip, let alone welcome their parents into their homes so warm heartedly. Perhaps I should be laughing in the corner that my son is doing all that for me…”

I cried, and the tear dropped on my jeans with a big splash.  

Disappointment

"I'm not happy," mum said, "I want to go home early."

I have been feeling the whole day that something was wrong. I suspected what, but for a long time she did not say what, just looked down and watched her tv show.

I presses her for the reason why she's unhappy. I've done everything possible to make her feel comfortable. The entire trip has been to make her forget about her condition, to take her away from her life and see the world, to open her mind, open her heart to the world.

I've gone through much thought and effort planning trips, making plans, ensuring that she gets only the best of treatment there is, the beat kind of accommodation and travel arrangements. Not that I’m complaining, because if given a choice, I would do it all over again, for it is what I feel is right, for it is what I hope will bring her happiness and leave her with fond and beautiful memories of life. I spend almost every moment with her, making sure she doesn't feel too estranged from being abroad. I buy her lots of nutritious foods, foods high in antioxidants that will restore her health and energy... And yet she's not happy.

I don't know what else I can.

And then came the reason behind her unhappiness. She met my friend yesterday, and I stayed over at his place last night. "As long as you're happy, that's what important..." but she is feeling down as a result of seeing me living my life here fully out in the open.

She knows I'm gay, I've told her and spoke about it on several occasions. And before she has said many times that as long as I am happy, that matters most. But I guess coming here, entering my life and my home, this is the first time that she's experiencing my “alternative” lifestyle up close. The fact that I spent last night at my friend’s place (though ironically, we're not technically together at all) was probably trigger, and reminded her again that however wonderful son I am, however caring I am toward her, I can never settle down with a girl and have a dream wedding and give her grandchildren the way she would like it.

I told her that I have tried to be the best person I can be. I do not smoke, I do not have any weird or bad habits. I do not go out and have sex with strangers ever few days. All I would like in life, all I want is happiness, the pursuit of happiness, and hopefully being able to settle down with someone I love and who loves me to build a stable and loving life together. Does that make me different from any straight couple out there? Just because the object of my affection happens to be of the same gender, does that make me a deviant?

It’s sad to know that somehow I am making mum disappointed and unhappy. But I cannot change myself just to make her happy. Placing myself in her position, I can imagine why she feels disappointed with me. Especially coming from a ‘traditional’ society, I know she feels social pressure and is often asked by relatives and friends when I’m going to get married. And she has to avoid those questions, avoid proposals for daughters to be matched with me.

But I told out outright, as I have told her many times before, I cannot and will not change myself for her or anyone. I am happy with my life, happy with myself, and am starting to feel more and more confident with myself as I grow older (and wiser?). If my mum cannot accept me for who I am, I cannot do anything to change her state of mind. All I hope for is that she does not let this dwell in her heart and bother her mind too much. All I wish for her is her wellbeing and happiness. And in away I’m afraid that is she does let this bother her too much, the unhappiness, the disappointment will trigger a relapse and speed up the spreading of her tumour…

We talked things through, and I hugged her tightly as she went to bed. “Yesterday has already gone by,” she said before she lay down, meaning that it is all in the past.

I do hope so. All I want is her to be happy, but that she is responsible for and is beyond my control…

Post Created 2011-06-29 18:58:08

Am I such a bad son and a disappointment...?

Post Created 2011-06-27 21:11:46

It's just sex, right? Just physical needs that need to be satisfied. Why think of whatever complications there may be at this point? Why think of what history there is between us? He wants it, I want it. We both have been longing for it, needing it so badly.

So what's wrong with indulging in a little fun...?

dinner get together

First get together since I got back from my time away. It's been a little over five weeks since I saw all of them. They seem to have not changed much- what do you expect after just five weeks?

It was pleasant to sit down and enjoy a meal together, catch up and chat. Somehow it seems like it's been far too long. Even though it's been only five weeks, it was the first time in this amount of tine I've been surrounded by people my own age. The interaction, conversation and things unspoken yet understood are of course very different compared to being around mum and relatives. I was tired, travel fatigue I would imagine, but it was still enjoyable.

A friend came up to me and said how inspired he was by the pictures of mum and I traveling. Asking about my travels, and listening to me explain, he seemed genuinely touched and had a little dampness in his eyes.

It is the second time that someone has said how taking mum traveling is such a moving thing to do, especially as for a while it was so uncertain whether it would happen at all. To the outside world, it looks so wonderful to be traveling through the Rockies, to stay at luxury hotels and go to fancy places.

Of course it is. But what they do not know, what people do not see behind the beautiful pictures, scenery and captured moments are those aggravating, excruciating moments of experiencing mum's illness and pains from close up.

I had to say goodbye quickly as I had a train to catch early in the morning. But as I said goodbye and left, I turned to look back at my friends sitting around the table. Such a warm and dynamic group of people. And I looked forward to more wonderful times to come with them as I continue my life here in Canada.

Bikes

I woke up to the lingering smell of skunks in the air. It was close to five in the morning, time to wake up and prepare myself for the trip to Ottawa to renew my passport.

The sky was just brightening, pink and orange on the cloudy horizon. I was still in bed, my mind reeling the dreams I had during my sleep. There were bicycles, of different types and sizes, all going at different speeds. And I could see myself riding one in the crowd, racing perhaps. But I was not alone, for someone mum was on the same bike, and I was carrying her.

Utterly bizarre...

Confusion

I'm confused. There's something not being said, and I don't want to be the one bringing it up. I've said what I needed to say, long ago, before I left to go home in May.

There has been no reply, no clarification, confirmation or rejection of our  status. I dont want to push him, but I need to know. What, or where, are we now? 

Just jerk-off buddies who have the hots for one another? Today, seeing him, spending a little time alone with him, there was a lot of sexual tension, unreleashed for over five weeks already. But there was also caressing, and little kisses (or maybe I was imagining it...). Granted on the cheeks, forehead and elsewhere but the lips.

I hesitated, pulled back a little, even though he was enjoying it a lot. I enjoyed it, the foreplay, stroking, touching, that I do not deny. But I was apprehensive about going further.

There was no time to go further anyways, no time to make soft love and climax. But am I ready to go that far again with him, when after all this time, all i could be is still someone on the side, an option for him to explore? 

I'd rather have nothing at all if that's the case. I'd feel cheap after all that we have gone through and since we broke up to just be a pleasurable sex buddy. The sex is intoxicating, drives my mind wild with ecstasy, but is it just that now, after all that we shared and had to break off abruptly because he was confused? 

Giving in to sexual temptation now would cheapen our romance, however short lived it was. it would wipe away all those beautiful moments of the two, three months we were together for real, and just confirm that perhaps it was all just sexual tension and infatuation, and nothing more than that. 
And I'd like to think it was not just  a  fantasy which seemed and felt so real and true and amazing, but was in fact empty.

brunch

On my way out to meet my friend and his mother for brunch. mum was supposed to join us. But she decided not to, partly because it would have been awkward for her, not being able to speak English too well, and also for two days her sores and pains seem to have intensified.

She's back on her painkillers now, almost a month since she stopped taking them, at least for the pain and sores in her left arm, related to the tumour in her spine. I had to rush out, because I was already late, and it's not a nice impression to keep people waiting. But I was reluctant to leave, seeing mum lie there in bed, not feeling well...

I thought the radiotherapy was supposed to take the pain away, at least for a couple of months... But what's happening now...?

dreams

Had a really rough night, felt like I only slept a few minutes, when in fact it had been six, seven hours.

Disturbed by dreams, details of which i cannot remember anymore. But they were vert unpleasant, that much I know, and I suspect it had something to do with mum's condition.

Her throat and tonsils continue to be inflamed. The pain comes and goes, but it is making her moody and frustrated. A friend of hers, who used to be a nurse, told her on the phone last night that the radiotherapy Basically weakens, if not destroy, the immune system, so se is susceptible to infections and it will take longer than usual to heal. It's been almost four weeks already, and still the difficulties ingesting food persist.

She is just siting down, sighing in pain. There's nothing I can do about it...