"I'm not happy," mum said, "I want to go home early."
I have been feeling the whole day that something was wrong. I suspected what, but for a long time she did not say what, just looked down and watched her tv show.
I presses her for the reason why she's unhappy. I've done everything possible to make her feel comfortable. The entire trip has been to make her forget about her condition, to take her away from her life and see the world, to open her mind, open her heart to the world.
I've gone through much thought and effort planning trips, making plans, ensuring that she gets only the best of treatment there is, the beat kind of accommodation and travel arrangements. Not that I’m complaining, because if given a choice, I would do it all over again, for it is what I feel is right, for it is what I hope will bring her happiness and leave her with fond and beautiful memories of life. I spend almost every moment with her, making sure she doesn't feel too estranged from being abroad. I buy her lots of nutritious foods, foods high in antioxidants that will restore her health and energy... And yet she's not happy.
I don't know what else I can.
And then came the reason behind her unhappiness. She met my friend yesterday, and I stayed over at his place last night. "As long as you're happy, that's what important..." but she is feeling down as a result of seeing me living my life here fully out in the open.
She knows I'm gay, I've told her and spoke about it on several occasions. And before she has said many times that as long as I am happy, that matters most. But I guess coming here, entering my life and my home, this is the first time that she's experiencing my “alternative” lifestyle up close. The fact that I spent last night at my friend’s place (though ironically, we're not technically together at all) was probably trigger, and reminded her again that however wonderful son I am, however caring I am toward her, I can never settle down with a girl and have a dream wedding and give her grandchildren the way she would like it.
I told her that I have tried to be the best person I can be. I do not smoke, I do not have any weird or bad habits. I do not go out and have sex with strangers ever few days. All I would like in life, all I want is happiness, the pursuit of happiness, and hopefully being able to settle down with someone I love and who loves me to build a stable and loving life together. Does that make me different from any straight couple out there? Just because the object of my affection happens to be of the same gender, does that make me a deviant?
It’s sad to know that somehow I am making mum disappointed and unhappy. But I cannot change myself just to make her happy. Placing myself in her position, I can imagine why she feels disappointed with me. Especially coming from a ‘traditional’ society, I know she feels social pressure and is often asked by relatives and friends when I’m going to get married. And she has to avoid those questions, avoid proposals for daughters to be matched with me.
But I told out outright, as I have told her many times before, I cannot and will not change myself for her or anyone. I am happy with my life, happy with myself, and am starting to feel more and more confident with myself as I grow older (and wiser?). If my mum cannot accept me for who I am, I cannot do anything to change her state of mind. All I hope for is that she does not let this dwell in her heart and bother her mind too much. All I wish for her is her wellbeing and happiness. And in away I’m afraid that is she does let this bother her too much, the unhappiness, the disappointment will trigger a relapse and speed up the spreading of her tumour…
We talked things through, and I hugged her tightly as she went to bed. “Yesterday has already gone by,” she said before she lay down, meaning that it is all in the past.
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