Talks, talks

Despite abruptly parting after I picked up my bike, he came over late last night. He wanted to reassure me, to make sure I was alright, because the last thing he wanted was to hurt me, he said...

In an impromptu act, we biked toward the river at around midnight, and just sat and chatted. At first, I was not very receptive, at inside frustrated and hurt, but the more we talked, the calmer I got. He stayed the night, and whole day almost, we spent talking, in bed.

The bizarre thing about us is that we somehow always manage to talk about things, and end up lying next to one another as if nothing ever happened. The talks cleared some things up, but still there is an obstacle between us that at this point seems insurmountable. Perhaps one day, after some time and space alone and apart, he can realise what it is that he really wants...

Till then, I am left wondering what now, what to do, what I mean in his life. I made him feel that way for a while, in those two years or so when he pursued me hoping for something to spark our relationship. And I guess I am having a taste of what it feels like to be left waiting and wondering. So to be fair, I cannot be angry at him, cannot lash out at him for his own feelings of insecurity and for feeling whatever lingering feelings there are towards the boy he went out with so many months ago.

But what now? I feel I want to just walk away, cut this entire ugly episode and this person away from my life. But there is a whole history, a friendship so solid, so strong, and a love affair that for now seemed to have been nipped in the bud. My rational mind tells me to walk away, to start building up barriers again and to protect myself, insulate and isolate myself from the outside, from him... but  my emotional side (for better or worse) seems to override, and whispers in my ears that it is so comfortable, so beautiful to be lying next to him, to be spending hours looking at one another and just talking about  things. My emotional side is scared to lose a dear, dear friend who entered my world two years ago, and yet managed to uncover every secret I have ever clung onto. Is it enough to feel comfortable to stay around and to cling onto hope of starting something new...? Or must I gradually let go, and cut away something that from time to time has been a drain on my energy and time (and on his too)?

I am not sure what the answer is, and neither does he (I think). Go with what feels right, we have told one another. What feels right...? Kissing feels right, hugging feels right, engaging in long, unparallelled acts of passion  feels right, talking and laughing and joking about our lives and our past feels right... But what if it were all so wrong to feel this way in the first place?

Gathering storm

Originally we had dinner invitations by a mutual friend, and because of the latest upheaval in our relationship, I alone went. I had to cover for my boyfriend, make up that he wasn't feeling well, and throughout dinner, whenever our friend made references to our relationship, how solid it was and how beautiful it was to see it blossom finally, I could but smile weakly and stay quiet. Where do you begin with where our relationship now stands...?

I was feeling sick after the meal, perhaps sick in the way I always get when something upsetting and traumatic occurs in my life. I went to pick up my bike from his place, half hoping, expecting him to maybe say something, but there was nothing. Just a teary-eyed look at me, a look which I tried to avoid. All that was said was "Ride safely..."
And I left hurriedly on my back, didnt even look back because a storm was gathering, and tears were gathering in the corners of my eyes...

After all we have gone through, nothing to say? To be fair, it has been a rough two days and sleepless night, and this afternoon was spent balling his eyes out from hurt and loss. But just last night we told one another what it was that made our relationship so special-- the fact that it was built on our friendship, our inside jokes, our live if biking and travelling and much more.

All that does not compare or measure up to his feelings for someone he connected over the course of a week? All that in jeopardy because he is torn? What am I supposed to feel when he tells me again and again that he cares about me, feels for me, or even loves me, when there seems to be still so much doubt and hesitation about our relationship, despite what I have tried to do to make him happy and feel loved and appreciated.

Feelings cannot be explained or rationalised, and it is utterly unfair, impossible even, for anyone to dictate how you should feel towards another person. But at thus stage I just feel I cannot be in a friendship, a relationship even, where there are so many complications, so much emotional baggage and outside pressure.

However much I treasure our friendship, our relationship, I just cannot stay idly by and wait and wait only to be hurt and burnt again....

Walk by the river

I cleared away the rolled up tissues, and into the bin they went. The tears and snot have since dried, the conversation and connection we had last night seemed like a long, long time ago. The roses I gave him a few days earlier have wilted, and drooping with heavy, sunken heads.

Three hours, maximum four I slept. Initially I snug off into the room next door to sleep, but he followed me next door and lay next to me. A little after ten I woke up, and got up, leaving him to sleep as I went away and meditated.

He was weak, and broke down again. I was not feeling bitter, not angry, and that sense of hurt, betrayal even, even though it still lingered, I had slowly let go. I comforted him, in my capacity as a friend now, a friend who cares for another friend’s happiness and wellbeing. I didn’t want to leave it just like that, leave him feeling more guilt-ridden, towards me, towards the entire akwardness of the situation, towards all the people involved in the romance/love-triangle. So I braced myself, put on a ‘friend’ face, and took a long, long walk with him to his favourite place by the river side. For a while, we talked, smiled, joked, like friends would do. For a while, we were just that, friends.

By the river I sat, with him a few rocks to the right of me. That was when the silence descended upon us. Silence, brought on by the roar and growl and fury of the rowdy river as it tumbled, twisted and turned a rough, rough path downstream. I closed my eyes in meditation, tried to calm my thoughts, tried to absorb the positive energies of the sun, of the beautiful day, tried to listen and comprehend the chatter of birds above the background of the mighty, mighty river flowing before me. But I did not understand a thing. I could not comprehend what was happening. 

Images of my dad face flashed across my mind... images of mum, imaginations of the face and figure of the person who so captivated my boyfriend within such a short time, images and memories of the beautiful time he shared with me, even just the day before while we peddled and peddled on our bikes in the sunset... So many images, so many images, so conflicting, so beautiful, so surreal, so dangerous and hurtful.

Tears started to shed down my face, and drip onto the hard, hard rocks beneath me. Tears that splashed and sprayed to become indistinguishable from all the water in the river. In silence we walked, saying only the necessary, while most of the way the only sound was the chatter of our footsteps, and the  playful tag of our mutual shadows. 

Back at home, just before he was about to leave, he could not leave just like that. It was difficult to watch, to be a part of, to see him so broken and torn and sobbing with such grief and pain. I never wanted to hurt him, or to add to his sense of guilt or confusion. But I wanted, I needed him to understand how hurt I am by all this.... by the back and forth banter between him and the other person ever since they reconnected after the concert, by the fact that I have for such a long time been made to feel so insecure about my own ability to open up myself to make him happy and feel loved (and now I know that I left him wanting...), by the fact that despite wanting to be with me, there are still feelings for the other person that has resulted in much hesitation and skepticism in our relationship...

But I must take a portion of the responsibility, for having kept him waiting for so long, for putting him in a situation to have to choose, for withholding my own emotions, when for a long time all he wanted was an acknowledgement that I felt something for him (which I did, but never admitted...). And he himself had been conflicted, wounded by a hurtful breakup that lasted over a year, and was probably not in a state to dive into something deep and meaningful, certainly not with someone (me) he had loved and admired from a distance, whom he only recently could get much closer to. 

He wanted time to think, to reflect and think things through, and he said he'd get back to me in a few weeks or a month or so. At this point, at this very moment, I have simply resigned myself to fate. At this point, I no longer wish to compete for his affection, I no longer wish to try and try any longer to make him feel special and loved and cared for. Maybe my feelings will change, maybe I'll miss him dearly, miss and long for the wonderful, beautiful bond we have together that no one has so far managed to match in my life. We were after all, friends first and foremost before becoming lovers... It will be hard to let go, to completely close myself up, even though my instinct now is to do exactly that.

Maybe it's self-protection, maybe it's me erecting my barriers up again to insulate myself from pain and hurt I have been exposed to as a child.... But I feel myself closing up, feel me retreating and forsaking all that we have shared and come to cherish and find comfort in, because I no longer can deal with the roller coaster ride of jealousy, having to please, having to compete for someone else's affection... I returned his apartment key, and we said goodbye. We hugged, a long, long hug, during which I patted his back, stroked his body, felt the warmth of his touch, sniffed in his scent that for so long has been so mesmerising to my nose and senses. I turned to give him a brush of our cheeks. And the front door shut between us.

How do I feel now? Drained of emotions, saddened and hurt, and unsure how being alone again will affect my mind and my body, unsure how I am to cope with the new situation, when I don't even intend to tell anyone, least of all our mutual friends, about our abrupt breakup. 

How do I feel now? Strangely, calm and reserved, or perhaps that is all a temporary illusion? Strangely, deep inside, I feel for him, feel his pain and hurt, even though some of it is incomprehensible. Deep inside, I wish so badly I can take away his pain, wipe away his tears and tell him that things will be ok after a while, for these emotions, like all things, will come to pass. I wish I could hold him, rock him gently and reassure him that I am not angry at him, not at all. I wish I could calm him down, like he has calmed me down many times before, in this  obvious period of need.

But I don't know if my presence, if my very sight, is the reason why he feels so sad and so torn. However I wish to hold and touch his hand, I fear I could only prolong his pain and confusion, especially at a time when he needs the time and space to reflect... I so wish I could comfort him, stop him from crying, stop him from sobbing and feeling so tormented, and provide him with a calm mind with no regrets or remorse... 

Fare well, my lover, fare well, my friend...

complications

How did I ever get myself into a relationship mess? How did I ever become entangled in a web of incestuous relationships with people that somehow are so proximate to one another?

He wanted me to sleep next to him, and he fell asleep first. I lay in bed next to him for a while, but I felt so estranged, hurt, wronged, like I've been slapped in the face. Of course I have a role to play in all the Complications we find ourselves in. That I cannot doubt, for the cause of all suspicion, cover up and 'cheating' (if it can be called that...) is varied, and no one is to blame. I cannot blame him, cannot really tell him how much I feel hurt that for many months, at least since we officially became a couple, I could not really give him all he wanted, however much I opened up, however much I tried. I somehow left him feeling empty, even if that emptiness is just a little void... but that void is enough to cast doubt about us, and to make him think or wonder probably he missed a chance with the boy who made he feel so perfect, so wonderful in such a short period of time.

I just cannot bear to lie next to him tonight after all that has been revealed tonight, not when I feel the tears are ready to burst from my trembling cheeks...

Nauseating...

I feel so sick, so nauseated. Shaking, horribly, horribly like a leaf…

I called my boyfriend tonight, and on his face I could see something was wrong. Something fundamental. He was pale and quiet.

Then came the shocker. He had just spoken with his friend, the one he had a brief but passionate romance with back in November. My boyfriend wanted to keep our relationship a secret from the friend. He always insisted that it was because he didn’t want to hurt his friend, which I accepted, however uncomfortable I was with the fact that I was non-existent as far as this friend and former love interest was concerned. I felt insecure whenever I saw them exchange text messages, I felt so frightened when they went to a concert together recently, I felt so fearful the other day that they had exchanged conversation on the phone.

By some twist of fate, my boyfriend’s former love interest found out about us. That was what made my boyfriend numb and go into shock. What are the chances of someone finding out something that should not be found out? All this time I thought he just didn’t want to hurt the friend. But now I am not so sure… there have been signs pointing to my suspicions. My boyfriend, or whatever he is to me, whatever relationship we have become involved in all this time, probably didn’t want the other person to know because he still felt there was a possibility between them. 

I feel so cheap, I feel betrayed, like I am just an option, whereas he was all this time keeping another option open, just in case things did not work out between me and my boyfriend, he could always go back to that friend of his. Maybe that is a harsh assessment of the situation, for maybe he did not know what he felt, and he was so confused and so scared of losing me, that he just jumped at the opportunity to be with me, without much thought, without having first faced his own feelings... 

All this time, all these months, I was slowly, slowly opening up myself, letting go of my feelings, expressing my affection and love for my boyfriend. Yet I felt for some reason there was always some kind hesitation from his side. I could never really figure out why he would sometimes look away or be lost in thought when he was with me.

I could never really figure out why he was sometimes hesitant in showing affection, and there I was wrongly believing that it was just his reserved nature and not wanting to have his feelings be on display. He told me the other day he is hesitant, somewhat holding back, because he was skeptical of love after his previous long term relationship…

But now I know, or at least it is a very strong possibility, that perhaps he has been hesitating and holding back because he still feels for the other boy. What is it about the other person that makes him so intrigued and makes him feel like there is something missing that I could not give him? What is it that I cannot provide or show him, that the other person managed to do so perfectly within the span of a few days chatting, and a night of passion?

Who am I to him? Who have I been to him after all this time? What does our relationship mean to him, really? I never could figure out completely, even though I have asked him from time to time what he feels toward me. Occasionally, he would reach out to touch my hand or stroke my arm in an attempt to assure me what I meant to him… but rarely, at least ever since we began our relationship back in January, did he really say, really describe what I meant to him…

Whereas I have tried in so many ways, so many times, through little notes, through flowers, through messages and through massages and strokes of his body, to let him know how much I appreciate and treasure him being with me… Were those attempts to make him feel loved and cared for all in vain? Was I deluding myself that I had finally find what I have been looking for all this time?

Maybe my boyfriend (for lack of a better word) does has an inability to express his inner most feelings… or maybe, as I suspect, he cannot express what he feels because he is conflicted inside about how he feels toward me, and towards the other guy.

I do not need this, I told him. I do not need to be strung along and toyed with like a test subject. I do not need this kind of excess emotional baggage when I am already so depressed and concerned about mum’s fragile state of health…

Call me selfish or a quitter, but sometimes it is easier to quit while you are ahead. Just quit and let things go, as if it were all a dream...

Wake up

Suddenly, as if there were a clock ticking inside of me, I woke up at five in the morning without thinking, even though o had gone to bed little more than four hours earlier. In Taiwan, it was exactly twelve hours later, five in the afternoon, and from what mum told me she should have been done with her new radiotherapy by now.

I called an the phone rang a few times before she picked up. She was at first worried and wondering what I was doing up at this hour. But later she was touched that I was concerned about how she was doing, and I told her I woke up because ( and it is partly true) I needed to use the washroom.

"I'm fine," she said, much to my relief, " Really like the doctor said u didn't feel anything, except perhaps a little tingling around the C7 section of the spine. It lasted no more than ten minutes, perhaps eight. And I think it I beginning to help, as I don't feel much sores and pains around the neck as I did before".

I was so happy to hear that, ti hear that she was well, or at least sounded well. "I'm glad to do this, because it'll reduce the swelling of the tumour and relieve some strains on the nerves. It'll prepare me to go on the big trip soon!" I was glad her mind and energy is focused in something positive, something at the end of it all, so that this upcoming trip can somehow pull her through....

Pull her through the eleven more sessions of radiotherapy to follow, pull her through whatever discomforts and sideeffects she may yet experience, pull her through all she has to feel and experience by herself, because no one is next to her when she goes to do treatment everyday for the next dozen of days...

Be strong, mum, I am thinking of you, praying for you, in my waking and sleeping moments...

Long bike ride

He insisted that we go for a bike ride, even though I was reluctant at first. I didn't want to bother him, infect him with my dark, brooding thoughts and mood, even though, as they say, a partner is for better and for worse.

But his large eyes offered compassion, his soft kisses offered solace and comfort. At one point, I broke the silence and cried literally on his shoulder. How embarrassed I was, and kept on apologising for being weak, for being so emotional and distraught by the latest development with mum. I felt like I was such a burden, even though I vowed never to burden anyone with my problems and sorrows. But he knew somehow ways to lure it out of me... To lure the tears out, lure the emotions out, and to leave me drained of sorrow, and filled with renewed energy, and an inkling of hope that things will be ok... I wiped away the tears, stood up and breathed deeply. You can cry, cry and cry, but there is a time to pull together, grit your teeth, and just face life and the world, however ugly or difficult things may be(come).

We did eventually go on the bike ride, a wonderfully long bike ride around the islands and the mighty St Laurent River. The wind seemed to be against us, yet we pressed forward and rode, romantically, care-freely at dusk. On a bridge spanning the sprawling river that more resembled a broad open sea, I looked deeply into his eyes, admired his face, his lips, his hair which all so beautifully glowed in the gentle rays of the setting sun. I was filled with such gratitude, such appreciation that in frightful moments of confusion and despair, I am not alone anymore.

As I peddled, I felt freed from my worries, distracted, if only temporarily, from my fears of the unknown. On my wrist I carried a bag, and in the bag sat a white teddy bear mum had bought me when I was in Taiwan back in January. "Hug this when you think of me," mum told me.

The bear accompanied me every bit of the way as I biked, through the city, over the river, past woods and green fields, past industrial estates and giant ships docked on the quay... I wanted to take the bear around, symbolically as if I were showing mum around. Probably a stupid gesture of make-believe and fantasy, imagining that she could see what I saw and experience the wind and freedom in my hair as I biked hard around the city...

But however ridiculous or stupid I looked with a teddy bear with his head peeping out of a bag dangling on my wrist, I seemed to receive great comfort and assurance from it. It was as if i was doing something that hopefully across the vast stretches of land and seas mum could experience and feel that I am with her whatever I am doing, wherever I am heading.

Even if I wee not physically there, my hugs and caresses of the little white teddy in my mind can transcend time and space to reach mum and offer her comfort and assurance far, far away...

Home

I don't know what came over me... One moment I was sitting in the library working, the next moment, as the tune of a Taiwanese song echoed in my ears, I could feel the tears heavy and ready to drop.

On my way to the washroom, the voices and words flowed and drew tears from my eyes... The song was is about the mountains and oceans of Taiwan, the hardwork of our foreparents, the love and care they nurtured and provide for the next generation...

As I cried in the washroom stall, I was so torn by my emotions, so weighed down by guilt and indecision... Should I leave, or should I stay? Do I continue with my happy life here, or do I catch the next plane home, to be with my mum as she enters another critical stagen in her treatment...?

The mountains, the birds, the oceans, the trees, the sweat and years of the ancestors echoed in my ears, and touched my heart...

Email from a friend

Reading her email brought tears to my eyes. In her words of desperation, in her sentences full of worry and anxiety, I could see myself, I could feel, so raw, so painful, the hurt of being so powerless, so utterly powerless, when you are watching a loved one slowly, slowly fade away...]

My friend lives across the ocean, in a different time zone, in a different place, in a different life. And yet, her pain resembles that of mine, her feelings of being torn between living a life of your own and being there to support your mother in times of need, echo that of my own.

I of course cannot know exactly what is going through my friend's mind, what emotions are racing through her heart and gripping her senses.

I cannot know how weak and distraught and lonely she must feel upon hearing that her mum's health has taken a turn for the worse.

What does it feel to hear from your own mother that she thinks she may not survive for much longer? What does trauma does it do to a child to see your beloved mother become a sack of skin and bone, with a belly bloated with fluids?

I am not sure what words of consolation I can offer my friend.... what could I possibly write, what could I possibly say, even if I were the most eloquent person who can so masterfully juggle words and emotions, to soothe the pain and creeping loss of a child...?

Am I not someone who often feels that pain and creeping sense of loss when I hear the weakness and frailty of my own mum's voice...?

What can I offer her, but my deepest sympathies, my well-wishes... and my tears?

Radiotherapy

Mum sounded distracted when I called, and she broke the news that the hospital called her to start radiotherapy as soon as tomorrow afternoon. Just last week, she went in to make a mould of her neck and head to facilitate the targeted, localised treatment of the tumour in her spine.

"Tomorrow....? Tomorrow already?" I was surprised and began to shiver. What will happen? What side-effects will she experience? How will she cope with the new treatment all by herself? Twelve days of treatment, day after day, day after day... I'm so scared just hearing that, so terrified...

She said she'll be fine, and that's it's nothing to worry about. An online search of the term radiotherapy brings up words like long term fatigue, constant dryness of the mouth and throat, and nausea. And if it is in the neck area, it may affect swallowing, and in turn ability and the appetite to eat- further endangering mum's health when her White blood cell count is already very low.

"I have a ticket to return this week..." I said. I've been dragging my feet for a while, wondering about whether to make changes to it, or whether to pack my bags and fly off again. To be honest I really don't want to leave, I really am so tired of travelling, of being displaced again and again....

But I am so very scared, so very very frightened by the possibility that if I stay here and if something goes horribly wrong, I will regret it.

Something good

We may argue and experience tensions here and there, but somehow something always brings us back together. I cannot say for sure what it is that brings us together... is it his touch, is it the innocent expression on his face, is it the thought of not wanting to prolong the hurt because of my own stubbornness and mistakes?

One thing that I treasure, among many things, in my relationship is our ability to talk things over. We may have gone to sleep in separate beds, in the morning, in the wake of drying traces of tears, we bonded and reconnected, and by sunset, we were happily cycling next to one another to that special place by the edge of the river we both enjoy so much. 

My first real relationship ('real' in the sense that we are both living in the same city, instead of being separated, as my first relationship was, some ten years ago), now going into its fifth month (or two and something years, if you count from the time we first met and connected...). There have been many things I have had to learn about myself, about the other person, about being together, about boundaries and personal spaces. Learning to admit your own flaws, learning to say sorry and realise when you are wrong are important; just as important as it is to know that there is no shame and that the other person will not think less of you when you admit your own human flaws and imperfections. I can be a difficult person to decipher, be someone who is too sensitive and needs reassurance. And through him, I see and learn more and more about myself, much more than all the time I have been alone and so deluded by  my own self-perception.

Of course, not all days and moments together can be happy and filled with laughter, but those moments of tension pale in the warmth and comfort I feel when we are together. I guess both of us have had to learn a lot about one another's habits and personalities, have had adapt and accommodate, as any one would in any kind of relationship. In any relationship, when two people come together and try to walk the same path in the same direction and at the same speed, both people come with old baggage that must be shared or slowly let go of...

He came out of a long term relationship, and I am just beginning to realise (again) what it means to be with someone, to love. We are in different stages of our lives, with different experiences, and naturally will have different expectations, of one another, from one another. But somewhere, somehow we managed to meet, and finally managed to come together after a long time of hesitation and uncertainty. There is beauty in this coming together, and when I think back at what process we went through to come together, we value our relationship even more.

I do not know where we are headed, for no body ever knows. I do know, and little by little I let him know, how much appreciate his presence, treasure our being together, and how sometimes I lie next to him and think that it all feels too much like a dream to be with someone I care about, think about, and love.

Heartbreaking...

We come home after along, romantic day and  wonderful dinner together, my boyfriend and I. As I was preparing to go to bed, I find him leaning over the computer with a mutual friend of ours, browsing through porn sites.


Admittedly, I do that too sometimes, but one thing led to another, and he logged onto a site where you can watch and chat live with guys who are 'pleasuring' themselves on webcam for the world to see. Just joking around, he said. Chatting and getting to know someone jerking their penis in front of the webcam, worse still someone who appears to be living in the area.


How very funny. I made it clear how hurt I was, and walked away to take a hot shower. In my mind, all the accumulation of insecurities and uncertainties about our relationship started flooding back. How could he just do that without thinking in front of my face, in my own home? How could he just start chatting up someone naked online, and call that joking around? Maybe he did it without thinking, maybe it was just a spur of the moment naughtiness that caught and brought out something in him he could not control.... But if he can do this in front of me, how do I know what happens when I am not around?

I am hurt, more hurt than angry actually, that I just don't have anything else to say and went to sleep in the next room. He keeps on texting me, trying to apologise through text messages, even though I am just next door. What is so difficult about just walking next door and apologising in person? What can be more reassuring and earnest than looking in someone's eyes and saying sorry?

Again, I am made to feel so uncertain about our relationship, especially in the wake of my boyfriend going to a concert recently with a friend with whom he had a passionate relationship with as early as November. If my boyfriend could just log onto a site and start chatting with a random stranger in front of me, how do I know if he is not exchanging flirtatious emails, text messages or phone calls with the guy on a regular basis without me knowing? How do I know if when he is tapping away on his phone he is not writing to the guy? I cannot know, even though it would be so easy to just clandestinely pick up his phone and check his messages. But I'm not going to do that, because I trust him, because I believe in him when he says he chose me and does not look back. But today, this heartbreaking episode just put all that trust into doubt... Have I not done enough in our relationship to deserve this kind of behaviour? Have I not shown enough affection and love toward him that makes his heart or mind wander? Have I not opened myself up enough and exposed myself to let him into the deepest and most hidden parts of my life that I have rarely before revealed to anyone? Perhaps the hurt comes from believing so naively that I could open myself up and be comfortable with someone. Hurt from, directly or indirectly, an act of betrayal, even if he never intended it to be that way....

I don't know what to say, how to start the conversation, what I must or should say, if anything. Just before we left to dinner, I bought him a bunch of roses, and I planned to lay them on our bed just before snuggling in together. In a fit of anger, I could have just thrown those roses away, tore them into bits and pieces, or not given them to him at all....

But why, for it is not the fault of the roses. They are so beautiful, so fragile and so very symbolic of something beyond their colours and textures... They are so delicate, and yet have thorns that could cut and make you bleed.
 
How heartbreaking to have what was a romantic surprise ruined by an unexpected episode like this....