Admittedly, I do that too sometimes, but one thing led to another, and he logged onto a site where you can watch and chat live with guys who are 'pleasuring' themselves on webcam for the world to see. Just joking around, he said. Chatting and getting to know someone jerking their penis in front of the webcam, worse still someone who appears to be living in the area.
How very funny. I made it clear how hurt I was, and walked away to take a hot shower. In my mind, all the accumulation of insecurities and uncertainties about our relationship started flooding back. How could he just do that without thinking in front of my face, in my own home? How could he just start chatting up someone naked online, and call that joking around? Maybe he did it without thinking, maybe it was just a spur of the moment naughtiness that caught and brought out something in him he could not control.... But if he can do this in front of me, how do I know what happens when I am not around?
I am hurt, more hurt than angry actually, that I just don't have anything else to say and went to sleep in the next room. He keeps on texting me, trying to apologise through text messages, even though I am just next door. What is so difficult about just walking next door and apologising in person? What can be more reassuring and earnest than looking in someone's eyes and saying sorry?
Again, I am made to feel so uncertain about our relationship, especially in the wake of my boyfriend going to a concert recently with a friend with whom he had a passionate relationship with as early as November. If my boyfriend could just log onto a site and start chatting with a random stranger in front of me, how do I know if he is not exchanging flirtatious emails, text messages or phone calls with the guy on a regular basis without me knowing? How do I know if when he is tapping away on his phone he is not writing to the guy? I cannot know, even though it would be so easy to just clandestinely pick up his phone and check his messages. But I'm not going to do that, because I trust him, because I believe in him when he says he chose me and does not look back. But today, this heartbreaking episode just put all that trust into doubt... Have I not done enough in our relationship to deserve this kind of behaviour? Have I not shown enough affection and love toward him that makes his heart or mind wander? Have I not opened myself up enough and exposed myself to let him into the deepest and most hidden parts of my life that I have rarely before revealed to anyone? Perhaps the hurt comes from believing so naively that I could open myself up and be comfortable with someone. Hurt from, directly or indirectly, an act of betrayal, even if he never intended it to be that way....
I don't know what to say, how to start the conversation, what I must or should say, if anything. Just before we left to dinner, I bought him a bunch of roses, and I planned to lay them on our bed just before snuggling in together. In a fit of anger, I could have just thrown those roses away, tore them into bits and pieces, or not given them to him at all....
But why, for it is not the fault of the roses. They are so beautiful, so fragile and so very symbolic of something beyond their colours and textures... They are so delicate, and yet have thorns that could cut and make you bleed.
How heartbreaking to have what was a romantic surprise ruined by an unexpected episode like this....
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