Talks, talks

Despite abruptly parting after I picked up my bike, he came over late last night. He wanted to reassure me, to make sure I was alright, because the last thing he wanted was to hurt me, he said...

In an impromptu act, we biked toward the river at around midnight, and just sat and chatted. At first, I was not very receptive, at inside frustrated and hurt, but the more we talked, the calmer I got. He stayed the night, and whole day almost, we spent talking, in bed.

The bizarre thing about us is that we somehow always manage to talk about things, and end up lying next to one another as if nothing ever happened. The talks cleared some things up, but still there is an obstacle between us that at this point seems insurmountable. Perhaps one day, after some time and space alone and apart, he can realise what it is that he really wants...

Till then, I am left wondering what now, what to do, what I mean in his life. I made him feel that way for a while, in those two years or so when he pursued me hoping for something to spark our relationship. And I guess I am having a taste of what it feels like to be left waiting and wondering. So to be fair, I cannot be angry at him, cannot lash out at him for his own feelings of insecurity and for feeling whatever lingering feelings there are towards the boy he went out with so many months ago.

But what now? I feel I want to just walk away, cut this entire ugly episode and this person away from my life. But there is a whole history, a friendship so solid, so strong, and a love affair that for now seemed to have been nipped in the bud. My rational mind tells me to walk away, to start building up barriers again and to protect myself, insulate and isolate myself from the outside, from him... but  my emotional side (for better or worse) seems to override, and whispers in my ears that it is so comfortable, so beautiful to be lying next to him, to be spending hours looking at one another and just talking about  things. My emotional side is scared to lose a dear, dear friend who entered my world two years ago, and yet managed to uncover every secret I have ever clung onto. Is it enough to feel comfortable to stay around and to cling onto hope of starting something new...? Or must I gradually let go, and cut away something that from time to time has been a drain on my energy and time (and on his too)?

I am not sure what the answer is, and neither does he (I think). Go with what feels right, we have told one another. What feels right...? Kissing feels right, hugging feels right, engaging in long, unparallelled acts of passion  feels right, talking and laughing and joking about our lives and our past feels right... But what if it were all so wrong to feel this way in the first place?