Decision, decision

I woke up this morning, having not slept much, but feeling somewhat rejuvenated and ready. I spoke to mum, and despite hesitation, despite not wanting to make her worry, I told her about troubles my boyfriend and I have been having. She was extremely understanding, and concerned, but she was not judgmental and did not reject me. She is my mother, and she cares for me, as I do for her and her well-being.

In the end, I told her I would like to go home. It has been on my mind for sometime already, especially since she recently began 12 sessions of radiotherapy and is scheduled to have another chemo in the coming week. I am afraid of how she will react to all this , especially as she complained recently of how week she has been feeling... This, coupled with the upheaval in my relationship, is enough reason to get away for a while.

I started writing to him, and an hour or so later, was a long email. Not of blame, not of animosity or pain... I was surprisingly collected, calm, and I said it is for the best that I go away for some time, so that he can have the time and space to think, reflect. I myself need that space and time apart and away from all those memories, all the little notes and items that remind me of us.

I was not angry in my tone, and the words simply flowed out of my fingers so smoothly and quickly. I said I wished him well, and hoped he would find some clarity of thought and that he can focus on goals he has set himself. I wrote not in any way to influence his decision or whatever outcome may result from this time away and apart from one another. He is confused, lost, as am I. And it does not help that we are close to one another, and have the temptation to be and sleep with one another. I apologised for my own failing, for hurting him in the past, for being complicated and difficult to decipher as a person, for having held back my feelings for him, and for contributing to the complications we find ourselves in today.

Most of all, I wished him well, told him I really appreciate all he has offered me, given me, as friend or lover, friend and lover. Because really, he has made my life so much fuller and happier since he entered into it. He filled me with care, with love, and he showed me that I can love, and that I can give myself to someone completely. I feel he can, and would like him to, play a role in my life, but at this stage, am just uncertain what role that would be.

So in two days, I will be gone, away from here, away from all this... It is a sudden, abrupt decision, and the consequences have not really fully sunk in yet. I do worry about my cat, and how troubling it will all be to my friends to leave her behind again... We have been bonding so well, she has been so patient and caring and loving with me, but I must leave her again... I feel so guilty, so ashamed of bringing her into my life, and not being able to be there for her fully.

But this trip, sudden and last-minute (even though it was booked randomly three months ago) I feel is necessary  for my mum's sake, and for my own sake and peace of mind.