First morning

What is wrong with me that I cannot shake off thoughts of him? I promise myself I shouldn't think of him, should try to focus on what is important in my life at this moment, and yet, my thoughts, my mind naturally seem to drift to him.

Exhausted from the trip, I went to bed at half past ten last night. I fell asleep pretty quickly, and woke up a couple of hours later to the sound of mum's groaning from her bedroom. The radiotherapy, combined with her chemotherapy just two days ago, is beginning to have painful side-effects on her throat. It feels constantly dry, she says, and she feels pain every time she swallows. She told me how affected she is every time she has to go to the hospital, and for a week now, it has been every single day. Just seeing those other patients, just hearing their groans of agony, or seeing their sad, hapless faces makes her sad. The sore in her throat will get worse before it gets better, especially as her radiotherapy progresses in the next two weeks. I spent some time comforting her, gave her a bottle of water to drink from, and went back to lie down more.

My thoughts should be with mum, for that is the reason I am here... and yet, I drift back to Canada, drift back to those beautiful memories of him and I, to those passionate moments in bed. I miss him dearly, I know, more than I would like to know or admit, and I am scared of feeling this way.

Last night, we exchange a skype call after he wrote a brief email to me, telling me about the emptiness he feels inside. I feel the same way... this emptiness like there is something missing from my life, and I long for that so badly. I told him, however much I would like to contact him, message him and video-call him, I would feel terribly guilty for doing that, especially as I feel like I'm impinging on his time to reflect, and on his time to study. Despite all this, he told me, again and again, I am free to call him anytime to talk about things, anything, because he still cares about (and loves?) me deeply.

It will be difficult the next few weeks. It will be very difficult, and I just hope I have the strength in me to continue without being so torn by my feelings towards him, and my willingness to be here fully for  my mum as she undergoes her grueling treatments.