Sometimes the past catches up with you, with bits of memories, writings and photos, and leaves you with a sense of realisation that is so numbing yet comforting.
Perhaps there have been things you did not see, did not realise, or did not feel at the time. But when you finally take the time to connect the dots, words, and images, somehow it all makes so much sense.
Or at least more sense than when you're in the thick of the moment and confused about how to make sense of everything and everyone in your life.
03 December 2010
A chance
Sometimes in life we are offered a chance. At other times, we are offered another chance, in case we missed or failed to see or seize the first offer. A chance to think things through, to consider the pros and cons, to take a decision that is informed and suitable to the times and circumstances of life at this very moment.
In the coming days, I must reflect on a number of things and come to a decision. I'm not sure what it is I want, what it is I need, especially as the past week or so has been confusing and hectic, filled with conjectures of the future, memories from the past, and sublime joys and nagging jealous feelings of the present.
My decision does not just affect my life, but also has a great bearing on the life of another. If it were just my life that is being influenced, I can take responsibility for my own mistakes if further down the line I realise that the decision was foolish in the first place. But if another person, if feelings, investments of time and effort from two parties are involved, then if further down the line things do not work out, then I am responsible also for the happiness of another. And that is always a great burden, because I do not wish to injure or hurt anyone-- at least not more than I have already done.
Of course, all this is based on the premise that things will go wrong, that the decision will produce bad results and that everything will turn sour. But there is also the possibility that the decision will cement a beautiful beginning to not only my life, but the life of another.
You never really know what will happen in life, how life will twist and turn, throw you around, and sometimes back to where you started. Sometimes it is good to take a break from things, get away, and calm the mind to think things through.
Returning soon
Mum sounded so frustrated and somewhat lost almost as soon as we started talking.
First she warned me about how I must be careful in the coming year, because according to the lunar calendar, the Year of the Rabbit will be rough for the Rat (ie me). As much as I respect tradition and the roots of my culture, I don't see how it can help anyone by telling them that there will be 'bad' things in the coming days. The thing with such prophecies is that it often makes people afraid, paranoid, makes people afraid to live in ways they otherwise would. Of course, one should not taunt life and prophecies, but one should not have to live in fear and in constant wonder of what terrible event will befall them either. I can understand why she's telling me; it's because she wants me to be safe and secure.
Then the conversation turned to brother's wedding. Originally, the in-law-side offered to host the wedding banquet in their home town, in the centre of the country, mainly because they did not want my mum to exhaust herself arranging things. But mum suddenly changed her mind today, and wanted to move the banquet to Taipei, where we live, because tradition dictates that it should be the groom-side that must host the event.
Already I can tell that she is worried and becoming stressed about having to organise things, and mum basically asked whether I could go home soon to help her out, because she feels she really cannot do things on her own.
This is where it got a bit funny, and I think I made her smile--which is a good thing! I had originally told her around two weeks ago that I would be heading home on the "27th". She just assumed that it was 27 January, the date closest to the Lunar Near Year celebrations, and she didn't really ask any more. But in fact, I had booked my flight for 27 December, just after Christmas with my cousins in Vancouver, as I intended to surprise her with a visit so I can be with her while she's doing chemo treatment, and also because it would be so much easier to just cross the Pacific from the West Coast of Canada.
Hearing the anxiety in her voice, I decided to tell her the truth, even at the expense of ruining the surprise. Of course, she became more reassured and her voice changed there and then. I told her to really take it easy, to calm down and not to worry and wonder too much about the wedding, because otherwise it would really strain her health. She said she would do that.
What made me happy was that she actually said she felt great. She felt really alive, and even though it's just been two days after her latest treatment, she is already back to her normal self, eating what she wants and likes (without feeling sick and/or throwing up), and also going outdoors to exercise.
Anything sure beats being at home all frail and having to stress about my brother's wedding. The countdown to going begins already.
First she warned me about how I must be careful in the coming year, because according to the lunar calendar, the Year of the Rabbit will be rough for the Rat (ie me). As much as I respect tradition and the roots of my culture, I don't see how it can help anyone by telling them that there will be 'bad' things in the coming days. The thing with such prophecies is that it often makes people afraid, paranoid, makes people afraid to live in ways they otherwise would. Of course, one should not taunt life and prophecies, but one should not have to live in fear and in constant wonder of what terrible event will befall them either. I can understand why she's telling me; it's because she wants me to be safe and secure.
Then the conversation turned to brother's wedding. Originally, the in-law-side offered to host the wedding banquet in their home town, in the centre of the country, mainly because they did not want my mum to exhaust herself arranging things. But mum suddenly changed her mind today, and wanted to move the banquet to Taipei, where we live, because tradition dictates that it should be the groom-side that must host the event.
Already I can tell that she is worried and becoming stressed about having to organise things, and mum basically asked whether I could go home soon to help her out, because she feels she really cannot do things on her own.
This is where it got a bit funny, and I think I made her smile--which is a good thing! I had originally told her around two weeks ago that I would be heading home on the "27th". She just assumed that it was 27 January, the date closest to the Lunar Near Year celebrations, and she didn't really ask any more. But in fact, I had booked my flight for 27 December, just after Christmas with my cousins in Vancouver, as I intended to surprise her with a visit so I can be with her while she's doing chemo treatment, and also because it would be so much easier to just cross the Pacific from the West Coast of Canada.
Hearing the anxiety in her voice, I decided to tell her the truth, even at the expense of ruining the surprise. Of course, she became more reassured and her voice changed there and then. I told her to really take it easy, to calm down and not to worry and wonder too much about the wedding, because otherwise it would really strain her health. She said she would do that.
What made me happy was that she actually said she felt great. She felt really alive, and even though it's just been two days after her latest treatment, she is already back to her normal self, eating what she wants and likes (without feeling sick and/or throwing up), and also going outdoors to exercise.
Anything sure beats being at home all frail and having to stress about my brother's wedding. The countdown to going begins already.
01 December 2010
Things happen
Whatever will happen, will happen. No one can naturally change the flow of a river, much less change fate, life and the flow of feelings.
Even if the yearning for something, for someone, is great, even if the loss of not getting what I want, what I need is overpowering, is a sensation I've never felt before, things happen for a reason.
I can only be strong no matter what. I can only have kindness and love in my heart towards everyone in this world. And I can remind myself that everyone just wants to be happy.
30 November 2010
Eavesdropping
She was in the car with a colleague, on her way to sort out paperwork to finalise her retirement. Barely an hour ago, she removed her invitro-chemo tube, and she was out and about. I was worried about her, about whether she's strong enough to be busy and travelling. I told her to rest whenever she can, and to eat well.
The conversation lasted only a short while, but I guess she forgot to hang up the phone, so I could still hear her talk with her colleague.
"It's my son," she said, "calling to ask how I'm doing. He's worried I'll be too tired and he told me to take care of myself". She finished that with a slight chuckle, and went on to recount the story of what I had mailed to her recently as a retirement gift. It was a blanket I bought from a recent travel to Nova Scotia. "It was so thoughtful of him..."
I felt embarrassed to hear that, to hear that mum was touched by my gift, and that my care and words of encouragement on the phone makes a difference to her. I know it's wrong to eavesdrop, so I quickly hang up the line.
But I had heard enough to know that I'm doing the best I can to give her strength and care in difficult times.
The conversation lasted only a short while, but I guess she forgot to hang up the phone, so I could still hear her talk with her colleague.
"It's my son," she said, "calling to ask how I'm doing. He's worried I'll be too tired and he told me to take care of myself". She finished that with a slight chuckle, and went on to recount the story of what I had mailed to her recently as a retirement gift. It was a blanket I bought from a recent travel to Nova Scotia. "It was so thoughtful of him..."
I felt embarrassed to hear that, to hear that mum was touched by my gift, and that my care and words of encouragement on the phone makes a difference to her. I know it's wrong to eavesdrop, so I quickly hang up the line.
Long letter to brother
Maybe I'm over-emotional these days, but a moment ago, I was sitting at a desk in the library and tearing.
Tearing as I wrote to my brother a long email about his upcoming marriage-- something while talking to a dear friend had prompted me to do.
My brother and I have always had a difficult, and at times very abusive, relationship. Things have dramatically improved in the past few years, as we have grown older, and as we live apart from one another. And also as our dad, and a sort of second mother, have in recent years passed away. I wrote to him today, not to blame him, not to conjure angry and bad ghosts from the past, not to attack or criticise him in any way. I wrote because I wanted him to be true to himself and to his wife-to-be.
I don't know why, it was at moments difficult to write what I had and wanted to say. I didn't go into details about what happened between us, or how he made me feel so down and worthless growing up. But just alluding to the past, without mentioning any specific incidents (what good does that bring? what will it raise but remorse and pain?), made me tear and made my heart wrench. It was difficult to remember, but I think part of the tears came from the fact that I forgive him, and that I wish only the best for him and his wife-to-be. It takes a lot to forgive, and in a way I'm proud of myself that I can be so strong and together to do that, despite all odds. That is somehow very touching...
Facing the past, talking about it, being frank about it, I wrote, will make two people understand one another better. I may not have much experience with love and relationships... I may be afraid and at times closed to love and accepting it, but somehow I do know that openness and truth, trust and understanding are fundamental. Fundamental to finding happiness together, to being happy together, and to maintaining that happiness, through thick and thin.
Maybe I'm not placed to offer marriage advice, but from my heart I wished him happiness and offered my blessings. There is nothing worse than bottling emotions and feelings and thoughts deep down, because it can all fester into frustration, anger, or even rage. It may even make someone withdraw and isolate himself. None of these is pleasant to the one involved, who has to put up with it all.
It is only fair, I wrote, fair to himself and to his wife to get things out in the open, to admit flaws and ugly sides, if they are to enjoy and cherish what it is that brings them together, that binds them together. It will also break from the cycle of arguments and clashes that our parents had while they were together. At least that is the hope.
Maybe I cried partly because it was painful to write, but genuinely I felt and wished that brother can and will heed my words, and use them to build a stronger and better bond with the wife-to-be. They deserve every bit of happiness in the world, as does everyone else. It is not every day that you find someone, fall in love so deeply, and want to fortify that feeling.
I may not be able to offer them much, but perhaps what I had to say to my brother can give them the basis of that happiness.
Tearing as I wrote to my brother a long email about his upcoming marriage-- something while talking to a dear friend had prompted me to do.
My brother and I have always had a difficult, and at times very abusive, relationship. Things have dramatically improved in the past few years, as we have grown older, and as we live apart from one another. And also as our dad, and a sort of second mother, have in recent years passed away. I wrote to him today, not to blame him, not to conjure angry and bad ghosts from the past, not to attack or criticise him in any way. I wrote because I wanted him to be true to himself and to his wife-to-be.
I don't know why, it was at moments difficult to write what I had and wanted to say. I didn't go into details about what happened between us, or how he made me feel so down and worthless growing up. But just alluding to the past, without mentioning any specific incidents (what good does that bring? what will it raise but remorse and pain?), made me tear and made my heart wrench. It was difficult to remember, but I think part of the tears came from the fact that I forgive him, and that I wish only the best for him and his wife-to-be. It takes a lot to forgive, and in a way I'm proud of myself that I can be so strong and together to do that, despite all odds. That is somehow very touching...
Facing the past, talking about it, being frank about it, I wrote, will make two people understand one another better. I may not have much experience with love and relationships... I may be afraid and at times closed to love and accepting it, but somehow I do know that openness and truth, trust and understanding are fundamental. Fundamental to finding happiness together, to being happy together, and to maintaining that happiness, through thick and thin.
Maybe I'm not placed to offer marriage advice, but from my heart I wished him happiness and offered my blessings. There is nothing worse than bottling emotions and feelings and thoughts deep down, because it can all fester into frustration, anger, or even rage. It may even make someone withdraw and isolate himself. None of these is pleasant to the one involved, who has to put up with it all.
It is only fair, I wrote, fair to himself and to his wife to get things out in the open, to admit flaws and ugly sides, if they are to enjoy and cherish what it is that brings them together, that binds them together. It will also break from the cycle of arguments and clashes that our parents had while they were together. At least that is the hope.
Maybe I cried partly because it was painful to write, but genuinely I felt and wished that brother can and will heed my words, and use them to build a stronger and better bond with the wife-to-be. They deserve every bit of happiness in the world, as does everyone else. It is not every day that you find someone, fall in love so deeply, and want to fortify that feeling.
I may not be able to offer them much, but perhaps what I had to say to my brother can give them the basis of that happiness.
29 November 2010
Weaker
It's hard to hear your own mum talk about things like it's almost the end. I know one day I have to face it all, I know one day that end will come. But it just hurts me to hear her talk like that...
I don't know if it's the side-effects of her chemo kicking in. She sounded weak, and somewhat incoherent. One moment she was asking me about the weather, the next, worried if I have enough money to live on, then the conversation jumped to how I should make a new suit for my brother's wedding. I tried to keep up with the conversation, tried to respond to what she said. But it's hard... it's so hard to keep strong, to be together, to say to mum to take care of herself, to eat well, to rest well, and to not worry about so many other things...
After the conversation, in the hallway and right there in front of my flatmate I just broke down. Sobbing, shaking, tears streaming for no reason. I held onto my flatmate so tightly, hugged her so deeply, as if she was my own mother I was hoping I could hug and hold.
My flatmate said little, but what little she said comforted me. She patted me, caressed me, stroked my cheeks. Most importantly, she let me hold her and allow my tears to drop on and drench her shoulder... That alone was enough.
I felt sooo grateful, so happy that I have someone to release it all, yet at the same time somewhat guilty that she has had a stressful week and is faced with lots of uncertainty herself.
Oh, the swings of emotions...
I don't know if it's the side-effects of her chemo kicking in. She sounded weak, and somewhat incoherent. One moment she was asking me about the weather, the next, worried if I have enough money to live on, then the conversation jumped to how I should make a new suit for my brother's wedding. I tried to keep up with the conversation, tried to respond to what she said. But it's hard... it's so hard to keep strong, to be together, to say to mum to take care of herself, to eat well, to rest well, and to not worry about so many other things...
After the conversation, in the hallway and right there in front of my flatmate I just broke down. Sobbing, shaking, tears streaming for no reason. I held onto my flatmate so tightly, hugged her so deeply, as if she was my own mother I was hoping I could hug and hold.
My flatmate said little, but what little she said comforted me. She patted me, caressed me, stroked my cheeks. Most importantly, she let me hold her and allow my tears to drop on and drench her shoulder... That alone was enough.
I felt sooo grateful, so happy that I have someone to release it all, yet at the same time somewhat guilty that she has had a stressful week and is faced with lots of uncertainty herself.
Oh, the swings of emotions...
Intense...
I know this is all inappropriate to write and feel this way, especially given the seriousness of the last post on my mum's health. But the mind wanders, and the mind wavers in temptation. A serious thought or serious mind can easily be overcome with stronger emotions... emotions that temporarily just blot out the helplessness and uncertainty how one should respond...
Waking up today with the boy who has shown me so much love and care, and towards whom I feel increasingly attached to, I/we felt such intense sexual energies. We made love, and like so often it is so intense, so strong and overwhelming. Even more so now that there is kissing, caressing and emotions involved-- all the elements that for so long have been missing, but he (and even I) have been longing for. So intense, so strong... I cannot describe it but only to say it feels like an intoxinating drug, the supply of which is diminishing due to circumstances...
I woke up and feel no remorse, no hurt... at least at this moment, those negative feelings are not at strong as before. I feel just good will toward my friend, and feel now that things are clearer, we have something (whatever it is) that is strong and solid.
And for that I am grateful.
Waking up today with the boy who has shown me so much love and care, and towards whom I feel increasingly attached to, I/we felt such intense sexual energies. We made love, and like so often it is so intense, so strong and overwhelming. Even more so now that there is kissing, caressing and emotions involved-- all the elements that for so long have been missing, but he (and even I) have been longing for. So intense, so strong... I cannot describe it but only to say it feels like an intoxinating drug, the supply of which is diminishing due to circumstances...
I woke up and feel no remorse, no hurt... at least at this moment, those negative feelings are not at strong as before. I feel just good will toward my friend, and feel now that things are clearer, we have something (whatever it is) that is strong and solid.
And for that I am grateful.
Starting again
Just as she told me, mum began her latest chemo treatment. I couldn't really sleep because of things on my mind, so I 'woke up' (actually, just suddenly opened my eyes from one moment of lying down to the next...) early to call her.
She sounded a bit weak already (or maybe I was imagining things??) And it's only the first day of the first dosage of treatment. She probably heard the sadness and concern in my voice, and said this is exactly the reason why she doesn't want to tell anyone, even my brother...
She's well now, but it'll only be a matter of time before the side-effects kick in.
I wish I could be there, just to be with her, to keep her company, and to tell her it'll be alright, even if it doesn't seem like it.
All I could offer were: "Be strong, give yourself strength!"
I hope that is enough... enough to sustain her till I am with her again.
She sounded a bit weak already (or maybe I was imagining things??) And it's only the first day of the first dosage of treatment. She probably heard the sadness and concern in my voice, and said this is exactly the reason why she doesn't want to tell anyone, even my brother...
She's well now, but it'll only be a matter of time before the side-effects kick in.
I wish I could be there, just to be with her, to keep her company, and to tell her it'll be alright, even if it doesn't seem like it.
All I could offer were: "Be strong, give yourself strength!"
I hope that is enough... enough to sustain her till I am with her again.
Close...
I was so close to something, but I never realised it... love, 'strong feelings', strong liking, wanting to sleep next to someone, wanting to see the person often, if not most of every waking (or sleeping) moment. Whatever it was called, I think I was so close to it.
I was close to it for a year, maybe even two years. But did I open my eyes to it? Did I open my heart to the care, love and willingness to accept me as I am all this time? Was I ever ready to receive and reciprocate the kindness and warmth, physical and emotional bonding? Maybe I was ready... maybe I've been ready all my life, but those feelings have been so strongly locked behind these strong, seemingly impenetrable walls that surround my heart, that I erect to protect myself so I can not feel vulnerable or harm. Walls that have been erected long ago, in those early years of childhood and exposure to violence and hurt, which till this day are still standing... even though I feel it crumbling little by little...
So I was so close to it. I could have just said a word, given a sign, and I would have been given the world and more by this friend who would travel the lengths of the world to make me happy, make me feel loved and cared for. But instead I was selfish.... I absorbed myself in my own problems, in my own wants and desires, 'playing' with him only when I needed comfort and support, only when I wanted to feel less alone... even when he was so willing, had I only realised it, to make me feel complete and whole again, to fill that void I've been dreading and feeling so often.
And I am so close to it all still, yet because of circumstances must watch and let it all slip away. The love he feels toward me is exists, and he again like so often, reminds me again and again just how beautiful and strong I am, inside and out. But we are like two trains in opposite directions meeting temporarily at a shared platform. For brief fleeting moments in the last week or so, there was hope of meeting and staying still together. But come morning, we must part and go separate ways.
Of course there is remorse, and the inevitable realisation of having been so selfish and so self-absorbed to even fail to see, fail to realise what I have said and done in the past year or two to hurt him... to not really give us a chance. Of course I feel angry at myself, frustrated at me for not having seized anything initiative while it was there, especially when opportunities presented themselves time and again... Of course I feel all this, especially as in the past week or so I have come to realise and see I am so close to what I have been longing for, but never woke up to see.
Maybe this is just to comfort myself and my sleepless, restless mind now... everybody deserves happiness. Everyone wants to be happy. For me to keep someone at bay for so long, and to finally turn around and say "I'm ready for you" when he's just beginning to finally feel the fragile yet beautiful beginnings of something, some kind of feelings, whatever it may develop (or not) into... that's just being selfish again, just being unfair and unkind to my friend, and his new friend.
I was so close. I had my chance. But I let it go, let it all go by. Or at least, I must let it all go by because whatever I feel, as I finally realise and understand now, is nothing is reciprocated at the same time, at the same place by the same person you feel something towards. I must let it go, learn to let it go, and live with the peace and knowing that however close I was to finding something, someone I crave for so long, someone else found it first, and I must step back.
Step back, even if it hurts, even it makes me feel vulnerable and lonely at night... at times when I just feel I could need some extra support and listening ear right now. It's for the best, however I feel otherwise, however I feel sad...
But everyone deserves to be happy, everyone deserves to find that spark of life and love, especially those who have waited so long. I can really just wish my friend well and happiness, and slowly let go. Let go...
I was close to it for a year, maybe even two years. But did I open my eyes to it? Did I open my heart to the care, love and willingness to accept me as I am all this time? Was I ever ready to receive and reciprocate the kindness and warmth, physical and emotional bonding? Maybe I was ready... maybe I've been ready all my life, but those feelings have been so strongly locked behind these strong, seemingly impenetrable walls that surround my heart, that I erect to protect myself so I can not feel vulnerable or harm. Walls that have been erected long ago, in those early years of childhood and exposure to violence and hurt, which till this day are still standing... even though I feel it crumbling little by little...
So I was so close to it. I could have just said a word, given a sign, and I would have been given the world and more by this friend who would travel the lengths of the world to make me happy, make me feel loved and cared for. But instead I was selfish.... I absorbed myself in my own problems, in my own wants and desires, 'playing' with him only when I needed comfort and support, only when I wanted to feel less alone... even when he was so willing, had I only realised it, to make me feel complete and whole again, to fill that void I've been dreading and feeling so often.
And I am so close to it all still, yet because of circumstances must watch and let it all slip away. The love he feels toward me is exists, and he again like so often, reminds me again and again just how beautiful and strong I am, inside and out. But we are like two trains in opposite directions meeting temporarily at a shared platform. For brief fleeting moments in the last week or so, there was hope of meeting and staying still together. But come morning, we must part and go separate ways.
Of course there is remorse, and the inevitable realisation of having been so selfish and so self-absorbed to even fail to see, fail to realise what I have said and done in the past year or two to hurt him... to not really give us a chance. Of course I feel angry at myself, frustrated at me for not having seized anything initiative while it was there, especially when opportunities presented themselves time and again... Of course I feel all this, especially as in the past week or so I have come to realise and see I am so close to what I have been longing for, but never woke up to see.
Maybe this is just to comfort myself and my sleepless, restless mind now... everybody deserves happiness. Everyone wants to be happy. For me to keep someone at bay for so long, and to finally turn around and say "I'm ready for you" when he's just beginning to finally feel the fragile yet beautiful beginnings of something, some kind of feelings, whatever it may develop (or not) into... that's just being selfish again, just being unfair and unkind to my friend, and his new friend.
I was so close. I had my chance. But I let it go, let it all go by. Or at least, I must let it all go by because whatever I feel, as I finally realise and understand now, is nothing is reciprocated at the same time, at the same place by the same person you feel something towards. I must let it go, learn to let it go, and live with the peace and knowing that however close I was to finding something, someone I crave for so long, someone else found it first, and I must step back.
Step back, even if it hurts, even it makes me feel vulnerable and lonely at night... at times when I just feel I could need some extra support and listening ear right now. It's for the best, however I feel otherwise, however I feel sad...
But everyone deserves to be happy, everyone deserves to find that spark of life and love, especially those who have waited so long. I can really just wish my friend well and happiness, and slowly let go. Let go...
28 November 2010
Complications...
How did I even get into such a big mess?
All I want is to find someone I feel for, someone I can feel comfortable being with, someone with whom it's not just about the physical and sensual lust, someone I can care about deeply as he does me... but there's so many complications, uncertainties, unknowns and what ifs. To be honest, I'm scared, yet still so attracted and deluded by its allure and mysteries.
Maybe I'm not cut out to love, not cut out to receive love, let alone find it...
All I want is to find someone I feel for, someone I can feel comfortable being with, someone with whom it's not just about the physical and sensual lust, someone I can care about deeply as he does me... but there's so many complications, uncertainties, unknowns and what ifs. To be honest, I'm scared, yet still so attracted and deluded by its allure and mysteries.
Maybe I'm not cut out to love, not cut out to receive love, let alone find it...
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