Weaker

It's hard to hear your own mum talk about things like it's almost the end. I know one day I have to face it all, I know one day that end will come. But it just hurts me to hear her talk like that...

I don't know if it's the side-effects of her chemo kicking in. She sounded weak, and somewhat incoherent. One moment she was asking me about the weather, the next, worried if I have enough money to live on, then the conversation jumped to how I should make a new suit for my brother's wedding. I tried to keep up with the conversation, tried to respond to what she said. But it's hard... it's so hard to keep strong, to be together, to say to mum to take care of herself, to eat well, to rest well, and to not worry about so many other things...

After the conversation,  in the hallway and right there in front of my flatmate I just broke down. Sobbing, shaking, tears streaming for no reason. I held onto my flatmate so tightly, hugged her so deeply, as if she was my own mother I was hoping I could hug and hold.

My flatmate said little, but what little she said comforted me. She patted me, caressed me, stroked my cheeks. Most importantly, she let me hold her and allow my tears to drop on and drench her shoulder... That alone was enough.

I felt sooo grateful, so happy that I have someone to release it all, yet at the same time somewhat guilty that she has had a stressful week and is faced with lots of uncertainty herself.

Oh, the swings of emotions...