Close...

I was so close to something, but I never realised it... love, 'strong feelings', strong liking, wanting to sleep next to someone, wanting to see the person often, if not most of every waking (or sleeping) moment. Whatever it was called, I think I was so close to it.

I was close to it for a year, maybe even two years. But did I open my eyes to it? Did I open my heart to the care, love and willingness to accept me as I am all this time? Was I ever ready to receive and reciprocate the kindness and warmth, physical and emotional bonding? Maybe I was ready... maybe I've been ready all my life, but those feelings have been so strongly locked behind these strong, seemingly impenetrable walls that surround my heart, that I erect to protect myself so I can not feel vulnerable or harm. Walls that have been erected long ago, in those early years of childhood and exposure to violence and hurt, which till this day are still standing... even though I feel it crumbling little by little...

So I was so close to it. I could have just said a word, given a sign, and I would have been given the world and more by this friend who would travel the lengths of the world to make me happy, make me feel loved and cared for. But instead I was selfish.... I absorbed myself in my own problems, in my own wants and desires, 'playing' with him only when I needed comfort and support, only when I wanted to feel less alone... even when he was so willing, had I only realised it, to make me feel complete and whole again, to fill that void I've been dreading and feeling so often.

And I am so close to it all still, yet because of circumstances must watch and let it  all slip away. The love he feels toward me is exists, and he again like so often, reminds me again and again just how beautiful and strong I am, inside and out. But we are like two trains in opposite directions meeting temporarily at a shared platform. For brief fleeting moments in the last week or so, there was hope of meeting and staying still together. But come morning, we must part and go separate ways.

Of course there is remorse, and the inevitable realisation of having been so selfish and so self-absorbed to even fail to see, fail to realise what I have said and done in the past year or two to hurt him... to not really give us a chance. Of course I feel angry at myself, frustrated at me for not having seized anything initiative while it was there, especially when opportunities presented themselves time and again... Of course I feel all this, especially as in the past week or so I have come to realise and see I am so close to what I have been longing for, but never woke up to see.

Maybe this is just to comfort myself and my sleepless, restless mind now... everybody deserves happiness. Everyone wants to be happy. For me to keep someone at bay for so long, and to finally turn around and say "I'm ready for you" when he's just beginning to finally feel the fragile yet beautiful beginnings of something, some kind of feelings, whatever it may develop (or not) into... that's just being selfish again, just being unfair and unkind to my friend, and his new friend.

I was so close. I had my chance. But I let it go, let it all go by. Or at least, I must let it all go by because whatever I feel, as I finally realise and understand now, is nothing is reciprocated at the same time, at the same place by the same person you feel something towards. I must let it go, learn to let it go, and live with the peace and knowing that however close I was to finding something, someone I crave for so long, someone else found it first, and I must step back.

Step back, even if it hurts, even it makes me feel vulnerable and lonely at night... at times when I just feel I could need some extra support and listening ear right now. It's for the best, however I feel otherwise, however I feel sad...

But everyone deserves to be happy, everyone deserves to find that spark of life and love, especially those who have waited so long. I can really just wish my friend well and happiness, and slowly let go. Let go...