Low

For some reason, I Feel so low and lonely today. The studying in really killing me and driving me to extremes of fatigue and tedium. Three more days till my exam, and I've been stuck reading the same section for the past two days without much advancing... It's disheartening, because I realize again and again the law is not for me, and this troubles me greatly as I question why I am torturing myself trying to get the bar degree. There's really a great sense of doubt and lack of motivation and encouragement. At a time like the, I realise how much my mum meant to me all these years. And that kind of support and kind compassion and encouragement I can never ever find again... 

I never imagined being alone in a big house, in someone else's house, can have such a tremendously lonely and isolatin impact on me... 

 

No one

I panicked, and there was so much fear. Fear of failing, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection. Just fear and a total lack of confidence in anything I did. I didn't know where I was, as if I was lost in some foreign place.

I signed into skype, I remember vividly. I pressed dial on the name of someone who was there, someone who once was so close. But there was no reply. I saw myself collapse and fall.

A Word

It amazes me how a simple word can conjure so much meaning and memories and leave me stuttering and lost what to say.

A friend told me about how his sister is in hospital and underwent a surgery around her spine. I tried to be supportive and listen and tried to offer some words of sympathy... But just the spine and vivid images of the mum's spinal surgery two years or so ago incapacitated me, left me shaking a little and  dazed. Is this the effects of trauma, PTSD as they call it? Was it really all that traumatic? did i suffer more than anyone else? Not only that, scenes from that movie 50/50 also flashes across my mind.

I should get a grip of myself and reality. It's all in the past. Nothing is the same, this event is not the same as the one that happened two years ago... But the mind, the human mind is so weak, so susceptible to memories and feelings of pain and negativity... And at the same time, instead of the ability to emphasise or show compassion, the pain and suffering of others is displaced with the self-centred focus of one's own pain and suffering.

I hope and pray my friend's sister is alright and recovering. How difficult it must be for the parents to see her in pain and undergo surgery...

Evidence...

It's been a week almost since I started studying, and I thought I would have over 10 days to study what are relatively short topics. But I am as yet far from finishing one topic... Evidence.

The past few days my studying has been gruesomely slow, and my sleep rather disturbed. I never imagined or considered it. But the law of evidence is laden with heavy cases, many of which deal with sexual and child abuse. Harrowing to read, and painful to digest...

There are many moments I just have to put down my pen and stop reading. Because it's hard enough to get to the gist of the law and unearth the principles I should know, but even harder when the facts and cases deal with something that trigger a raw, personal nerve.

More and more it is unlikely I'll be able to study for and take the second exam, which I've not even touched upon, and a topic which I heard is especially challenging (despite it being thinner to read up  on...) I don't like to give up or admit defeat, it's a big blow to my self esteem, especially at a time I'm trying to recover my self-esteem and build up confidence. But there may be times I must be realistic with myself: I simply cannot face this without breaking myself mentally and physically. And I only just realised at this point, far too late, that parts of the topics to be covered are going to be extremely difficult to digest personally...

2AM

I was just lying down to sleep, for a change "early" tonight (at 2...) as I just can't get more studying done. Head's been hurting and I just feel like I can put more information in... 

Out of habit, I grabbed my phone to check my messages. A friend of mum's left a comment on a picture I uploaded of mum. It's a picture of mum smiling so beautifully and looking directly at the camera with a fork in her hand and about to put some spaghetti in her mouth.  It was taken in Paris, back in 2010. 

Mum's friend wrote: "Miss you so very, very, very much, dear friend..." The comment made me tear...

Unwell

Feel so terribly unwell and so tired today. And yet I've not even finished studying one of two exams due next week. The stress is again mounting, and I feel the urge to cancel one of them...

I was so unwell I had to take a nap, which lasted over an hour. In my nap, I dreamed of taking the exams. I dreamed of dropping out of the exam. 

Should I really? This time is the only time I could possibly do two exams, and I had plenty of time to study.... Yet I put other things first, and just never got around to my books. Up until two weeks ago, I was still helping this friend move and assemble his furniture, thinking there's still time. But there really isn't much time, is there? 

I don't know why I feel like a "failure" if I didn't do two exams. Is it because I'm backing down again from a challenge? Is it because this whole accreditation thing is taking far too long and I want to be done with it? I mean, I still have four exams to do before I can sit the bar... And all the meanwhile, at the back of my mind, I wonder: why am I doing this at all.? Why, if I don't want to practice law?

I feel so dizzy and fatigued... But must get up and study again. I just must. 

Detachment

Can one be so traumatised by events and experiences that one loses the ability to feel, to empathise?
Is it possible that after having been exposed and seen too much of illness and death, you stop feeling altogether?

This disturbs me greatly... Is it yet another sign I have become so self-absorbed and ceased to care about anything else but my own being and my own protection? Is this another natural process  of grief and the mind's way of dealing with trauma?

It disturbs me greatly. 
I do not want to go through life not being able to feel and being numb when someone is telling about how their loved one is suffering.

Yuri

I don't know why it just crossed my mind... First study session and exam-to-be with the little monkey Yuri.

He's been there throughout so many intensive studying sessions, and accompanied me to many exams. Now he's gone...

RIP...

Dream: Dad

Prior to leaving, I went to see dad. He called me eaelier during the day and said he wanted to see me. He had just passed away, but was still around in the dream. He said he wanted to see me, just see his son and tell me something...

Self absorbed...

How have I become so consumed in my own little world not to care or want to care about other things and people around me?

How is it that I am so aborbed by my own emotions and grief that I have no will or energy to care about people and things that were once so dear to me?

What's wrong with me?
I feel so horrible after speaking to my ex, whose sister was admitted to hospital the other day. I said I'd want to be there to listen to him talk about things, but I was never available. It upset him, and the episode reminded me again of what a terribly selfish person I have become...

What is more important than being there for someone? Being there for  a friend who wishes to talk and share his deepest feelings? There's no reason, no excuse...

I feel so sick after our conversation... I meant to study for my upcoming exam, but I've lost that drive and will now.

It;s horrible trying to move forward with life, trying to pick up the pieces after grief and after an emotion-filled trip. Something like this just reminds me of what a failure I am, and how I am failng my friends by being so detached and absent.... failing myself and my promises to be a  better and more loving, more lovable person...

I;m so sorry.....