08 September 2012
07 September 2012
Heartbreak
I must learn to be alone and not to be afraid.
I must be able to hold myself, look at myself, love myself, and not allow the loneliness get the better of me.
The only way I know how is to let the tears fall...
I must be able to hold myself, look at myself, love myself, and not allow the loneliness get the better of me.
The only way I know how is to let the tears fall...
1.44AM
Suddenly, I just shook awake.
I felt as if there were a strange presence. A feeling I did not have since the days at the hospital when mum was struggling with her body and life only a few metres away...
It is a terrifying feeling, but I am so tired... Too tired to be afraid, too tired to make sense of it all...
I felt as if there were a strange presence. A feeling I did not have since the days at the hospital when mum was struggling with her body and life only a few metres away...
It is a terrifying feeling, but I am so tired... Too tired to be afraid, too tired to make sense of it all...
06 September 2012
Inner Silence
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Often people have no idea, really no idea what it feels like to lose someone. Not just anyone, but a parent, a loved one you have taken care of for so long.
No idea. And they expect you to function like a 'normal' person, to keep a straight face, to smile and to cover your pain.
It just makes me wish I could turn away and turn toward the inner silence in the depth of my mind where I can really mourn and really cry and not feel afraid.
Often people have no idea, really no idea what it feels like to lose someone. Not just anyone, but a parent, a loved one you have taken care of for so long.
No idea. And they expect you to function like a 'normal' person, to keep a straight face, to smile and to cover your pain.
It just makes me wish I could turn away and turn toward the inner silence in the depth of my mind where I can really mourn and really cry and not feel afraid.
Calling home
I woke up a little passed half past seven. I woke up and instinctively grabbed my phone, and perhaps the daze of sleep clouded my judgement. Before I knew it, I was calling home.
The teddy bear next to me seemed to look at me with such a sad, sad face. Mocking me, was he, or was it an expression of sympathy? I hung up.
Nobody picked up...
The teddy bear next to me seemed to look at me with such a sad, sad face. Mocking me, was he, or was it an expression of sympathy? I hung up.
Nobody picked up...
04 September 2012
Dedication
I know tomorrow will be better.
I know, I know that there will be a tomorrow when this sorrow, this pain, this loneliness will have subsided.
Until then, I must be strong, brave and stand on my own.
Cry if I must, grit my teeth if I must, ache if I must.
One day, these dark moments of mourning will turn into a brighter, better tomorrow.
One day, I can wipe away these tears and soothe this pain and feel love and find myself again.
I know, I know that there will be a tomorrow when this sorrow, this pain, this loneliness will have subsided.
Until then, I must be strong, brave and stand on my own.
Cry if I must, grit my teeth if I must, ache if I must.
One day, these dark moments of mourning will turn into a brighter, better tomorrow.
One day, I can wipe away these tears and soothe this pain and feel love and find myself again.
What can I give you?
I continue to ask
I continue to look for it
Can't stop thinking...
Pigeons dedicate themselves to the blue sky.
Star lights dedicate themselves to the long night.
What can I give you, my little child?
Rainy seasons dedicate themselves to the ground.
Days and months dedicate themselves to the seasons.
What can I give you, my mom and dad?
Betrayal
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I stood and watched the leaves fall. Early September, and already there are signs of the approaching Autumn, signs of decay and death. It is in this season that I will need to find life after death again. It is in this season that I will need to slowly climb out of the hole I have sunk into after mum left...
Yet, why are there so many moments when I feel such guilt and deep sense of betrayal? Betrayal, not least by other people, but betrayal of me by myself! That is perhaps the most difficult and sordid sense of betrayal there is!
As mum slowly lost her life, I promised myself I would lead a 'good' life. I would prove to mum and prove to life that I can rise and soar from the depths of pain and despair despite of, or because of, all the trials and setbacks I have faced. I promised myself to live an honest life, to do good, to speak softly, to feel kindness toward all, because the life of every one is so precious and so fragile...
And yet, yet I find myself caught in jealousy and frustration, lost myself hurting people in a state of confusion and despair. Have I failed myself? Have I not failed my late mother by being (at times) the petty and confused person who has so much difficulty to let go of things, let go of guilt and let go of the past? I sometimes find myself asking: how much would mum shake her head in disappoint if she knew what I hurt I have caused people?
Perhaps I ask too much of myself, and, as someone once said, I perceive myself to be this wonderful and perfect little angel who does not see any flaws in himself (hence the sense of betrayal feels all the more profound...). Perhaps, as a monk once told me, I should just 'lighten' up, acknowledge that I am only human and make mistakes that once made cannot be undone, no matter how deep the regret or remorse. But really, I sometimes drown in guilt and sorrow knowing some of the words I have uttered or actions I have done have hurt people terribly and ruined the trust and confidence of others.
I stood and watched the leaves fall. Early September, and already there are signs of the approaching Autumn, signs of decay and death. It is in this season that I will need to find life after death again. It is in this season that I will need to slowly climb out of the hole I have sunk into after mum left...
Yet, why are there so many moments when I feel such guilt and deep sense of betrayal? Betrayal, not least by other people, but betrayal of me by myself! That is perhaps the most difficult and sordid sense of betrayal there is!
As mum slowly lost her life, I promised myself I would lead a 'good' life. I would prove to mum and prove to life that I can rise and soar from the depths of pain and despair despite of, or because of, all the trials and setbacks I have faced. I promised myself to live an honest life, to do good, to speak softly, to feel kindness toward all, because the life of every one is so precious and so fragile...
And yet, yet I find myself caught in jealousy and frustration, lost myself hurting people in a state of confusion and despair. Have I failed myself? Have I not failed my late mother by being (at times) the petty and confused person who has so much difficulty to let go of things, let go of guilt and let go of the past? I sometimes find myself asking: how much would mum shake her head in disappoint if she knew what I hurt I have caused people?
Perhaps I ask too much of myself, and, as someone once said, I perceive myself to be this wonderful and perfect little angel who does not see any flaws in himself (hence the sense of betrayal feels all the more profound...). Perhaps, as a monk once told me, I should just 'lighten' up, acknowledge that I am only human and make mistakes that once made cannot be undone, no matter how deep the regret or remorse. But really, I sometimes drown in guilt and sorrow knowing some of the words I have uttered or actions I have done have hurt people terribly and ruined the trust and confidence of others.
03 September 2012
Breakdown
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As well intentioned as people are,
Sometimes it hurts more to hear "You have so much in your life..." or "The pain will go away..." when all you would like is someone to acknowledge the pain of loss.
Sometimes all you need is to hear "I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now" instead of all those cliches about losing someone and coping with death.
Sometimes, it is best to just close the door and cry where nobody can hear you, nobody can see you, nobody can comfort you.
As well intentioned as people are,
Sometimes it hurts more to hear "You have so much in your life..." or "The pain will go away..." when all you would like is someone to acknowledge the pain of loss.
Sometimes all you need is to hear "I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now" instead of all those cliches about losing someone and coping with death.
Sometimes, it is best to just close the door and cry where nobody can hear you, nobody can see you, nobody can comfort you.
02 September 2012
Dream: dying again
I saw mum again. She was a limp mass that was barely alive, limp like a corpse.
I saw my brother carry her in his arms, weeping... Mum was dying again.
Dying, dying, dying in my dream....
But she died already, and will never die again. She died. Died... Died in my arms.
That reality, that reality which is more real than any dream or fantasy or image my mind can conjure, could not stop my tears and sobbing.
I saw my brother carry her in his arms, weeping... Mum was dying again.
Dying, dying, dying in my dream....
But she died already, and will never die again. She died. Died... Died in my arms.
That reality, that reality which is more real than any dream or fantasy or image my mind can conjure, could not stop my tears and sobbing.
Return
"You need cry. You need to let it out..."
A lot of emotions and tears have been pent up inside since mum left. Unconsciously or otherwise, I've not had the time or strength to cry. Yes, crying takes a lot of strength, a lot of courage, and letting down your defenses. Crying, really crying and grieving, requires you to be weak for a few moments so that you can be stronger again...
It's been three days since my return to Canada, since the beginning of my new life after mum passed away. There are so many moments when I am suddenly pushed to the edge of tearing. Kind words of friends, condolences, huge, and reminders of what a kind and warm person mum was. Last night, my neighbour's mum invited me over for dinner. She met mum once, last summer, when mum stayed for a month or so. My friend's mum told me how, even though they had just met, she was so proud of me, and how she was worried about me. Most of all, mum said she was worried about how I'm sometimes too softhearted and tend to let other people take advantage of me. She wanted my mum's friends to check up on me and make sure I'll be alright. Last night, like words and expressions of mum's motherly love coming from beyond the grave...
A lot of emotions and tears have been pent up inside since mum left. Unconsciously or otherwise, I've not had the time or strength to cry. Yes, crying takes a lot of strength, a lot of courage, and letting down your defenses. Crying, really crying and grieving, requires you to be weak for a few moments so that you can be stronger again...
It's been three days since my return to Canada, since the beginning of my new life after mum passed away. There are so many moments when I am suddenly pushed to the edge of tearing. Kind words of friends, condolences, huge, and reminders of what a kind and warm person mum was. Last night, my neighbour's mum invited me over for dinner. She met mum once, last summer, when mum stayed for a month or so. My friend's mum told me how, even though they had just met, she was so proud of me, and how she was worried about me. Most of all, mum said she was worried about how I'm sometimes too softhearted and tend to let other people take advantage of me. She wanted my mum's friends to check up on me and make sure I'll be alright. Last night, like words and expressions of mum's motherly love coming from beyond the grave...
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