040912.1934
I stood and watched the leaves fall. Early September, and already there are signs of the approaching Autumn, signs of decay and death. It is in this season that I will need to find life after death again. It is in this season that I will need to slowly climb out of the hole I have sunk into after mum left...
Yet, why are there so many moments when I feel such guilt and deep sense of betrayal? Betrayal, not least by other people, but betrayal of me by myself! That is perhaps the most difficult and sordid sense of betrayal there is!
As mum slowly lost her life, I promised myself I would lead a 'good' life. I would prove to mum and prove to life that I can rise and soar from the depths of pain and despair despite of, or because of, all the trials and setbacks I have faced. I promised myself to live an honest life, to do good, to speak softly, to feel kindness toward all, because the life of every one is so precious and so fragile...
And yet, yet I find myself caught in jealousy and frustration, lost myself hurting people in a state of confusion and despair. Have I failed myself? Have I not failed my late mother by being (at times) the petty and confused person who has so much difficulty to let go of things, let go of guilt and let go of the past? I sometimes find myself asking: how much would mum shake her head in disappoint if she knew what I hurt I have caused people?
Perhaps I ask too much of myself, and, as someone once said, I perceive myself to be this wonderful and perfect little angel who does not see any flaws in himself (hence the sense of betrayal feels all the more profound...). Perhaps, as a monk once told me, I should just 'lighten' up, acknowledge that I am only human and make mistakes that once made cannot be undone, no matter how deep the regret or remorse. But really, I sometimes drown in guilt and sorrow knowing some of the words I have uttered or actions I have done have hurt people terribly and ruined the trust and confidence of others.
I stood and watched the leaves fall. Early September, and already there are signs of the approaching Autumn, signs of decay and death. It is in this season that I will need to find life after death again. It is in this season that I will need to slowly climb out of the hole I have sunk into after mum left...
Yet, why are there so many moments when I feel such guilt and deep sense of betrayal? Betrayal, not least by other people, but betrayal of me by myself! That is perhaps the most difficult and sordid sense of betrayal there is!
As mum slowly lost her life, I promised myself I would lead a 'good' life. I would prove to mum and prove to life that I can rise and soar from the depths of pain and despair despite of, or because of, all the trials and setbacks I have faced. I promised myself to live an honest life, to do good, to speak softly, to feel kindness toward all, because the life of every one is so precious and so fragile...
And yet, yet I find myself caught in jealousy and frustration, lost myself hurting people in a state of confusion and despair. Have I failed myself? Have I not failed my late mother by being (at times) the petty and confused person who has so much difficulty to let go of things, let go of guilt and let go of the past? I sometimes find myself asking: how much would mum shake her head in disappoint if she knew what I hurt I have caused people?
Perhaps I ask too much of myself, and, as someone once said, I perceive myself to be this wonderful and perfect little angel who does not see any flaws in himself (hence the sense of betrayal feels all the more profound...). Perhaps, as a monk once told me, I should just 'lighten' up, acknowledge that I am only human and make mistakes that once made cannot be undone, no matter how deep the regret or remorse. But really, I sometimes drown in guilt and sorrow knowing some of the words I have uttered or actions I have done have hurt people terribly and ruined the trust and confidence of others.
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