Down time

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Second day I stayed home. I couldn't bring myself to go to work, to go to the office and pretend to work. Something is wrong again, I feel it.

What is it? Why do I feel so teary again? Why do I feel so emotional and so lonely? Is it because after a long weekend spent with someone, I feel low and empty not seeing him? Or is the sunshine and energized feelings I gathered in st Maarten there weeks ago wearing off? I feel myself falling into another rut. A terrible danger.

Nobody asks about it.
Nobody knows about it.

Should I be the one to tell people? Shouldn't friends, if they truly are such dear and close friends, not ask me how I am? Should they not detect, especially in the way I have been acting this past week, sense that I am struggling?

I need to pull myself together again. And I'm scared. I need help, I really do.

Touching words

Rusty: “I thought she loved me. And letting go of that is what’s hard.”
Raydor: “But holding on to someone when they’re gone is even harder. ”

Monday blues

Woke up after a terrible night of sleep and headed to the office relatively early. I tried to do work, tried to focus, tried to apply my mind. Reading is so difficult, I find my mind being so distracted and being pulled between sadness and longings for this guy I just met...

What is wrong now, I wonder. Life seems to be going well, for a change I do not feel as sad or depressed. Yet there is a nascent feeling of discontent and emptiness within...


Maybe I am just tired... I sure could use somebody...

Sunday night

At the end of the day, when friends go home, when I come home, the quietness settles. And so do the memories...

It has been a fun-filled few days, since Thursday night. I've been extremely social and lined up the evenings with friends. It's nice to catch up, to sit around the dinner and have dinner like old time's sake. It's fun and distracting for as long as it lasted...

I took the metro home, and out of boredom I browsed through pictures on my phone. Pictures I dare not delete, but probably should soon. I saw pictures of this time last year... How difficult those days were, how heavy and depressing those days were. How did I get through those days? How...?

I almost cried on the metro seeing mum's face on the pictures. So thin and so frail she was... Now she is gone. Nobody knows what it's like. Nobody asks anymore how I am feeling. It's as if with the passage of nine months or so, to others all the memories have been erased. It's as if with the passage of time, the trauma and pain can quickly subside.

But in truth, hiding behind every goofy and playful pose, lurking behind the smiles I display so beautifully on my face, are lingering sentiments of sadness and longing. Who can understand or fully know how I still long for company, why I crave being in the arms of someone close and why I so much long for affection, love and intimacy...?

Dreams of mum

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Twice I dreamed of mum. Both times they were agonising dreams.

I can't remember what happened, I just can't anymore. But I remember seeing mum's face, and then being so shaken by the sight that I woke up feeling such intense pain, feeling like I was bursting into tears ("dry crying" as I like to call it...)

Was mum trying to tell me something? Have I been too lazy, too unproductive, too complacent with money and not doing anything worthy of mention?

I've been trying to get myself better... I've been trying to "cure" myself of this "illness" by going out, doing new things and meeting new people-- all in the hope that by placing myself outside of my comfort zone, I can find my spirit again.

Isn't that what I learned this weekend? That there's a spirit in all of us, that we need to be in tune with nature and that we need to nurture our spirit, let it grow and develop?

There's a spirit in me, I feel it... It is trying to break free... Break free from death, from anger, from fear, from abandonment and trying to energise itself again...