Leidse Ontzet

I can't remember the last time I last so much and so hard. So much and hard that my head and jaw hurt.

Three days of ongoing celebrations related to the 'Relief of Leiden' (Leidse ontzet) kicked off last night. Some 433 years ago the Spaniards besieged the rebellious town of Leiden for a complete year. Citizens fought hunger, the Catholics and the mercernaries of the Spanish crown and defended their city and their religion and right to freedom of life. On 3 October 1574, Calvinist partisians fended off the Spanish army and liberated the city. Their first act was to donate to each person in Leiden half a loaf of white bread and a herring. To this day this tradition is repeated, and the two days leading up to the 3rd of October is celebrated all over town with a funfair, parades and festivals. The liberation of a city is a worth every moment of joy.

I arrived late at a friend's place where a bunch of us had agreed to meet. It poured and poured outside, and by the time I arrived my clothes and shoes were drenched. I needed something to keep warm. Bottles of vodka and other hard liquor as well as orange juice were already waiting. My friends were already red cheeked, tipsy and rambling. I was soon to join them.

We promised to go out and show our faces in the pubs so that we can say that we were at least there on the biggest day of celebration of the year. One cup of vodka orange led to another, to another, to another. And soon we ended up in someone's room where bottles of wine and martini were cracked opened to the cracking sounds of giggles and laughs. Once the 40% alcohol seeps through the veins, everything becomes funny, and everything came out. Secrets were unstoppable. Someone mentioned she has two boyfriends at the same time, another random stranger none of us met before told us how much he 'loved cock'. I think my reaction to that was 'Oh yeah!', which didn't leave much to the imagination to all those who heard me ...sex, sleaze, secrets and shame all poured out, and once again we dug deeper and deeper into each other's lives and past. Not sure how much of what happened or what was revealed people actually remember, but I think I 'outed' myself in a number of different ways, in a number of different times. Dare I say it was liberation...?

At 1am we decided it was time to head out. We stepped over a puddle of puke and a couple of collapsed flat mates on the way down the stairs, our visions and heads spinning and in total confusion. The cold rain and wind slapped against us, making it seem like the treacherous journey of six crazy adventurers venturing in the dark on their way to the city centre. The pavement was just right next to the canal, and we suprised ourselves for managing to walk without falling in. Some other people were not so lucky.

My head spun so fast it was hard to hear, and I was even unsure what I was saying. We wandered the streets, going from one party event to the next. We greeted people we knew, high-fived people we didn't. Plastic cups and beer cans littered the streets. People crowded in the alleyways and squares dancing to live bands and music. The whole city was under siege by a frenzy of celebration, drunkedness, and the onslaught of the first forces of the autumn weather. When you're so out of yourself, even bad techno music, or the fact that there were plenty of strangers around didn't seem to be a bother anymore. By 4am we were drenched, and cold, and the effects of the alcohol had more or less worn off...but wow, was it a few hours to remember.

Surprisingly we actually managed to make creme cheese penne and smoked salmon (for others lunch-dinner lumped together) at close to 5am. I was not in a mood to take the 1hr journey home. He and I made our temporary beds on the floor of a girl's room. My clothes were so wet we both had to borrow clothes from the girl to wear... two grown and tipsy guys, in girl's pajamas, sleeping on the floor next to each other. Nothing I've experienced recently can beat the hilariousness and surrealness of it all.

The floor was hard, and my head hurt. Altogether I probably had around three hours of sleep last night, and was awakened by a bunch of Americans slamming their doors and raving about what a night it's been at a little past eight. My throat was sore, my mouth parched, the back of my head felt like I had strike myself somewhere and ached with a vengeance. But as I turned my face, he lay next to me, breathing softly. I reached out almost wanting to touch him, but afraid to wake up, and unsure whether he could see me looking at him. A couple of times he stirred and turned, and I quickly closed my eyes tightly to pretend I was asleep. I'm somewhat sure he knew I was watching him. I turned my back against him, curled up my body into a ball, and leaned in closer. But I couldn't sleep any more. And my headache and sore throat soon subsided.

Things people argue about

The chicken wings have been in the over for 20 minutes, at 200C. The timer went and she turned the oven off. In came my brother insisting it's not done yet. The girlfriend says it's done. No, it's not done, my brother insists. Yes, it is done. No, it's not. How can it be done, he asks, it usually takes 45minutes. Of course it's done, just look at it. NO! YES! NO! YES!

Smash and crash went the pan onto the floor. My brother stormed out the kitchen, the door banging behind him. She screamed after him and stormed upstairs.

I stood in the kitchen, wondering what just happened. Silently smiling inside. The things people argue about...

October rain

It's getting colder and colder, and feeling more and more like the season it's supposed to be. Last week I saw crocuses blooming in the park, flowers that don't usually appear until late March. But it's been anything but usual this year, or at least in the past few weeks. After having temperatures of close to 30C for another week, and feeling like Summer is returning again, Autumn approached, blew yellow tints onto the trees, and brought with it thunder and rain, thunder and rain that is now drenching and rumbling the world outside.

I had a pretty late and rough night last night, and got home at 4am! Not really what I intended when I went to a friend's place for dinner, but we eventually ended up 'clubbing' afterwards. Well, I wasn't too kin on the idea, and would rather be chatting and sipping wine or watching James Bond, but they insisted it was Saturday, so party we must. We went to this club, with terrible and loud techno/house music. As soon as we entered I knew I wouldn't like it, and spent the next hour looking interested and being fascinated with the candle burning in front of me. Conversation just didn't happen when you had to scream to hear or be heard.

So at around 2am we decided to get out and go somewhere else, but the guy said he wanted to go home, because he couldn't stand it anymore. Me too, so we ended up waiting for the train at close to 3am together. We talked about this and that, but nothing too intimate. At one point we poked fun at a lecturer of ours and speculated the possibility of him having a 'bum buddy' at college. We imitated sounds of two people having sex, the kind of sounds you hear on corny, poor quality porn, and broke out laughing on the empty platform while everything else was silent around us. I stood before him, and there were moments I just wanted to be 'straight' to him and ask him about all these 'signals'. I just didn't dare to. I was afraid of what may happen to this 'bond' between us that had started since we first met at induction. I was afraid to loose him, though at the same time I find myself wondering when 'little things' seem to tell me that there's something there beyond friendship. Whether I'll ever be ready to ask him, or tell him how I feel, I'm not sure. The train came. He went his way, I went mine.

Like I wrote before, when you feel 'something' toward another person, everything you see and hear tend to be through a filter, and so it's not really reliable. I mean all these brushes and innuendoes and ambiguous word play could just simply be acccidents or bad choice of words. Besides, on more than one occassion some of the things he said made it pretty clear he's as straight as can be. I promised myself not to fall too deeply, especially when it's just a fantasy and in situations and for someone in the most unlikely of circumstances.

Though, to be honest when I came home tipsy and very late last night, I felt a little 'empty' inside. The alcohol had subsided, and frankly whenever I drink I never really 'let go' unlike some people who just loose themselves. Instead, I tend to be more pensive and melancholy for some reason. Creative and reflective too. Perhaps it was the cold morning breeze, and the cold, cold drizzle...but thinking back on the evening I felt like even though I have these friends, I'm still feeling lonely... like I want that bit more, that something more than friendship...

I went to bed, and slept till after noon. Didn't do much today, but one thing was memorable: the dream I had during sleep. I'm not sure if it was about 'Leo', or him, since they're so alike, and both have been in my mind often lately. Whoever it was about, it was satisfying, unlike waking up late and cold.