Poor pay!

Just as I was thinking things at work were going so well, suddenly something comes through the mail and tells you differently!

Last week was the first official work week. It was busy, trying to get myself into the position and get used to the fact that I'm the teamleader in charge of two (soon to be four) people underneath me. I know these people from before, so I don't really see myself as "I'm in charge", but more as a team working together as equals. I think we work well together, and to encourage them and make them feel more 'at ease', I bought some fresh orange juice, donuts and even treated them to lunch. I hope they'll be 'happy workers', and feel good being at the office. That's my philosophy... if you're happy at work, you're more likely to be committed and more able to 'give' yourself to work, and that makes the whole atmosphere at work pleasant.

I opened the mail today, and it was my contract. They want me to sign it and return it ASAP. It contains all the details of my position, and also (very importantly) my salary. To my surprise (more like shock), I will be getting paid much less than they had already agreed! It's more than 400 Euros less, and which is a lot of money! Money I wanted to use to save up if I want to go abroad and study again!

In August when they started to negotiate about me staying on to work and coordinate the big moot court competition, they had shown me approximately how much I'd be earning. They even budgeted my salary into the costs of organising the competition, so it was pretty much clear. All this time I was of course under the impression I'd be making that X amount of money, and that was the basis on which I made all my plans to save up money, to use to pay bills and pay my parents for rent.

And suddenly, they send me a contract with so much less!!! I was so disappointed... but I had been warned by my colleagues that the university is not just bureaucratic, but also very, very cheap and expects people to work full-time on a part time salary. I mean, what is stated on my contract is just 100 Euros more every month when I was employed as a student assistant!!! And I know for a fact that what they're offering now is not much more than a cleaner at my building ( I spoke to one recently).

After taking away the computers that my team need to work, they do this? What are they trying to do? Cut back on costs? They can start by renting a cheaper building, instead of throwing away tens of thousands every month just on rent...

I'm not going to sign the contract, but I'll go make some noise! Who do they think they are? And to be honest, at this stage they need me more than I need them. If they're not willing to pay me the amount they wrote down in August, go find someone else. They can go find someone else who knows the competition like I do. They can go find someone and ask them to start organising this competition from scratch. See if they can have as much success.

Ridiculous...

The Pigeon

I stared at the pigeon for a good half an hour or so. The autumn sun was lazy, and so was I. Sitting on the bench, watching the waves in the canal bob up and down can be a mesmorising experience.

The pigeon floated toward me, and then away. And as if my eyes attracted the pigeon as it rode up and down with the waves, it floated back toward me again, and danced around my feet.

Its feathers weren't wet from the water, and the pigeon seemed so light and innocent. It's legs kicked in the water, as bloated chest faced the sky, in a posture reminiscence of a mating ritual. A shy coot came and mischievously pecked and pulled the pigeon, but the pigeon didn't budge or stir.
The pigeon just floated on the water, deep in sleep, its eyes closed, white and bloated after having caught death.

Drizzle and rain

I really had to bite on the inside of my cheeks to avoid the tears escaping my eyes. She turned back and waved goodbye, again and again, which made it even more difficult. And then she was gone.

I wandered around the empty airport building, wondering what to do, where to go. Of course, the terminal was full of people, but it might as well been empty. On the train journey home, I looked out the window, watched the rain fall and drizzle flutter against the dark gray horizon. The rocking motion of the train rocked me into sleep... and away from the moments of sadness before.

My brother had been kind enough to bring my mum to the airport, but throughout the almost one hour of drive, he didn't say a word. Perhaps it was because it was too early in the morning... But even at the airport, as my mum got her luggage, and just before he drove away. He didn't even say anything... not even a goodbye, not even a hug. Just like that...
I'm really upset by his behaviour... just because my mum told him to move (which is nothing wrong at all!), he just became all distant and trying to act hurt... My mum worked hard to come here and see us, to take a little time out to relax and enjoy a holiday, and he treats her like this! And if I'm upset, imagine what my mum must feel... so utterly disappointed and heartbroken...

I opened my eyes half an hour later, just as the train pulled into my city. Stepping off, I wondered if I should go to work, or just go home and sleep for the rest of the day. As soon as I got home, and realising that my brother's girlfriend was there, I decided to grab my bags and swimming gear leave again. Only to come back just now, a little after midnight. Back to my old lifestyle of avoiding home as often as I can...

So I headed into town, and decided I needed to make myself 'pretty', so got a haircut. I guess that made me feel a little better about myself... Then I met my 'girlfriend' for lunch, and we chatted, trying to catch up things that's been happening in the last month that I've been away (studying and travelling).

She noticed it, but I guess I felt it too... at the canteen where we ate, the cashier guy wasn't just checking out the soup and salad I bought for lunch, but also checking me out! And he did it in such an obvious way... big smile, very friendly and polite, and kept looking at me. Even as we left, he kept looking at me and smiling... I don't get that much, so it must be the new haircut. Flattering... but I need someone who likes more than just looks... I need someone who can understand me, who I can understand and talk to everyday and still feel like it's the first time we met.

I went to work at three in the afternoon for a few hours. It didn't matter, because I'm my own boss now, and today was the first 'official' day of my new position as coordinator of the big competition! I say 'official' day, but I've been involved throughout the summer, so today was just like any other day at work. I wasn't at the office for almost the whole of September, and what do I see as I enter my office? Two of the three computers that are ordinarily there have disappeared! At first, I thought we were robbed, but my colleagues who work in another building told me one day the 'superiors' decided that they needed to cut costs. But for so many years, we've always had three computers, because to organise the competition we need around four students to assist us, and nowadays everything is done through email. How do they expect us to do our work? No consideration at all, and they didn't even ask me before they took the computers away! :( My boss is busy trying to get the computers back, but for the time being, I'm in charge of a big office with empty desks, and just one computer...

After work, I still didn't want to go home, like often, so I went swimming as planned. Went to a swimming pool I used to go as a little boy, but haven't been for over ten years. So many changes! And they've added so many new facilities that it's now bigger and better. The pool was empty, except for some middleaged ladies having aqua-aerobics lessons to terrible techno music. I swam around happily for an hour or so, and then got up. But I didn't go just yet, as this steam chamber caught my eye.

"Eucalyptus oil steam bath. Guaranteed to relieve stress after a hard day"

Hmmm, just what I needed, so I entered the cubicle and for the next ten minutes started to sweat in places I didn't know could sweat...! The eucalyptus oil and fragrance cleared my mind, and when the cold shower suddenly started at the end, I felt so refreshed, and ready to go.

But again, I didn't want to go home... even though it was already nine and the air was misty and damp and cold. I called my friend to just talk, but that quickly turned into a dinner date, because neither of us had eaten. We shopped together, and cooked together a big healthy meal of lots of vegetables and rice, and ate it over hot cups of tea and candlelight. So lovely... sitting there, talking and bonding, sharing our feelings.

When I was about to leave, we hugged each other goodbye, and I kissed her in the neck quite spontaneously. First time I did that, but she seemed to like it. It's not in any erotic way, and we both know it. But we both need it... because we're one another's 'substitute for love'.

Especially needed on nights when it's cold, drizzling, and raining...

Any other world

"In any other world
You could tell the difference
And let it all unfurl
Into broken remnants

Smile like you mean it
And let yourself let go

'Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a Lonely, lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

I tried to live alone
But lonely is so lonely, alone
So human as I am
I had to give up my defenses

So I smiled and tried to mean it
To make myself let go


'Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

'Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart

Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in [x2]
Say goodbye

In any other world
You could tell the difference

[Spoken]
"I never ever, I forget my story.
My face is no sad, but inside, I am sad."

Family feuds...

("Letting tears go...")

My mum and I had wonderful times together in the past few weeks, travelling, connecting, and relating to one another's happinesses and pains. And as if there's still so much to say, she has to go away again. I feel sorry to see her go... mostly because she's going back to a stressful life living with my dad and going back to her stressful job. It's tires her out. I can tell... through the wrinkles on her face, through the whitening hair around her ears, and through the look in her eyes...

I told her many times to retire early, and to take care of her health, because she just recently survived cancer and the last thing she needs is stress and tension. What's more important, I ask her always, to make money or live a happy life? Of course she knows it's the latter. But many things seem to prevent her from quitting her job. Mostly fears of being financially insecure, and partly because she doesn't know where to go.

I told her to come stay here, but she really doesn't want to live with my brother and his girlfriend, who have practically taken control of the whole house. Even in the short time my mum was here, she feels like she's the guest, even though she owns the house and has more rights than my brother or his girlfriend... She told my brother that he should move, go find a place of his own and start his own home... And that was met with days of sulking and cold-war! So childish... My brother's almost thirty, and makes a lot of money (more than average!), and he still thinks that it's right to be living in my parents home and to take a girlfriend home to live here. And he doesn't even pay rent!

I told him clearly: it's alright if you rent a house and live with your girlfriend, but now you're living at home and taking the girlfriend into our family home. We're not trying to break them apart of interfere with his life. We're just telling him to go build his own home somewhere else... anywhere, just not in the family home. I mean I'm four years younger than him, and I've already made plans to move out once I save up some money! Why didn't that come into his mind? Isn't it the most natural thing to leave home when you grow up?

But he just doesn't seem to understand or see how his actions and his girlfriend living here makes many things complicated. He just got extremely angry and treated my mum as if she's trying to make him homeless, or trying to come between him and his girlfriend. Such rubbish! All that sulking, not-talking, sighing loudly, and giving us all the angry 'evil' look.... He said things like he'll have to go get two jobs now, or that he'll have to sell his car because my mum wants him to move out, which is complete and utter rubbish. And he started to blame my mum for coming here, and giving him financial pressure by going on holiday. Excuse me!? It was him who wanted to go on holiday... it was he who made the plans... and it was my mum and me who paid for the trips!

He's been living at home for two years, but not saved a single cent! All because he wanted to buy that expensive new car. I had told him so many times that he'll have to consider the consequences if he bought a new car, but of course he didn't listen. The advice of his little brother is just too cheap to be useful. He just thinks I or my mum would always be there to support him, to pay for bills and to help him. But no. Enough is enough. He has to move!

My mum was a lot of the time upset and really disappointed with my brother... there was even this time she cried, while we were on holiday in Prague. How can my brother be so unreasonable, so selfish, and not think at all about other people or how they feel? I listened to their arguments, to my brother shouting and saying all these things that seem to make us the 'wrongdoers', and I feel so sorry for my mum... she's already ill, and has to deal with this kind of disrepectful and ungrateful person... she's already ill, and has enough worries, but are made even worse with someone else's selfishness and inconsideration for other people... I was on holiday in Prague, surrounded by such magnificent scenery and beauty, but with such terrible company.

No wonder why I had to take so much 'time out' to be alone and go do what I wanted to... it was often just too much to bear.

Shattered glass

Sometime ago I saw some gorgeous purple tulips made out of beautiful Bohemian crystals. They were really cheap, a rare find, and I bought a few of them to decorate my own room. They are so delicately hand-crafted, and so life-like that if you stand from far away you can't tell them apart from real ones. Only when you look close do you realise that they are out of cold glass, yet, no less beautiful.

When my mum came to visit almost three weeks back, I put them in a vase and placed them in her room. To welcome her home, to welcome her back to the Netherlands... back to the land of tulips.

The tulips smashed and shattered into bits and pieces. Ironically on the eve of her departure. I heard a loud bang next door, and ran over. On the ground was the vase, and out of it, spread in all directions, were shards of sharp glass.

"How terrible..." she said, her face obviously in shock. "What a terrible thing to happen to add to an already broken heart".

Deep, and even more so because it's so true.

"It's alright," I said lowly, "It's just glass, nothing precious. As long as no one was hurt". And it wasn't the shattered tulips and broken glass that made me sad, or that hurt as I picked them up.

I don't like goodbyes, and I don't think they like me, but they do seem to keep on meeting me. The worst is the few days, few hours, few minutes before the inevitable happens. Yes, goodbyes are inevitable... because it's the one thing that's sure when you meet.

In a few hours, I'll be standing at the airport and hugging my mum goodbye... makes me sad to just think about it.

Worse because I'm not sure when I'll see her again... if ever...

Travel pics!

You can see my Czech Republic travel pictures
HERE and HERE!