11 November 2011

Volunteering

As we said goodbye, I patted the elderly man on the shoulder. "Take good care," I said, and my little pat underlined the depth of my well-wishes. In his eyes, I could see that he was touched. In his eyes were the slight shimmer of gratitude. Seeing that, I was touched...

I've always wanted to volunteer, something I used to do regularly when I was in high school and undergrad studies. Ever since I arrived in Canada, I've done odd jobs here and there, all of it at the community kitchen at university, but I'm more interested in working with people, especially the elderly and immigrants. A week or so ago, a friend's mum referred me to a service centre for the Chinese-speaking community in Montreal, and I went to put my name down on the same day. It was so much easier than expected and than what I've encountered before, because a lot of volunteering opportunities require me to give references and to have a background check, which is very off-putting. I just want to do something to help someone, I just want to give my time and energy back to society.



So I met this elderly man at the hospital early in the morning, and he was accompanied by a female friend of his. Both are (mainland) Chinese in their seventies, and though they've lived in Canada for a long time, neither speak good enough (or any...) English (or French). This is where volunteers like me come in! Basically, my role is to accompany the person to the hospital and translate during the consultation or examination by the doctor.

It was my first experience at a Canadian hospital (though I've been before recently), and so everything seemed foreign and new. I walked around and had to find my way in what felt like a maze of corridors, corners and hidden rooms. As always, hospitals are never cheerful places to visit, and I walked around with a slight smile on my face to greet the many patients who passed me by. To each and every, I quietly nodded and wished them well and they may soon recover from whatever is bothering them, or at least not ...

Eventually we managed to get the necessary blood test done, and also see the doctor at the designated time of appointment.The man had an accident a year and a half ago, in which his left foot was run over by a car. Ever since, his foot and lower leg clots easily and can become inflamed, which causes him much discomfort and pain. For some time, he has had to rely on shots daily to thin his blood to reduce the clotting, but still he is almost constantly in pain.

We sat in the corridor and waited for a few hours. I quietly listened to his story, and to the female friend tell her story. Everyone has a story, of where they came from, why they are here, and what they have done with their lives. Perhaps that is why I've always enjoyed listening to and spending time with the elderly, for they have such a wealth of experience, and somehow are so "cute" and endearing in their little own ways. Being with the two reminded me much of how I used to spend days with my grandma (my dad's mother) and how I used to take her to the hospital daily for her shots. I think back to those days with sweet nostalgia...

The man lives alone, in a little room above a restaurant in the noise and bustle of Chinatown, sharing with three others.  I was told that he has a daughter somewhere, but he said no more about that, and I didn't ask more. At one point, he showed me his wounds, and told me details of how he has to deal with the pain, soreness and numb sensation, and I could not but feel such warmth and compassion well up inside me. For lunch, he took out a small bun, and munched on it. Before doing so, he even offered it to me, and apologised that he could not give me anything in return for my help. Seeing how little he ate, and how little nutrition the bun contained, I wanted to buy him something at the cafeteria, but he politely declined.

"You should eat well and have a healthy diet," I said, out of genuine care, even though afterwards I felt perhaps I was a out of line for saying that. Maybe I sounded condescending or even rude, especially telling an almost complete stranger I have just met, especially saying that to someone who is old enough to be my dad... But strange as it seems, in the brief moments we spent together, I began to care. It really is not difficult to care about a fellow human being.

Was it because he reminded me of my own dad...? The way he looked, the way he smiled, the way he smelled... It all was very touching, and I enjoyed every moment of our few hours together. Momentarily while I sat next to this elderly man I had just met, I was brought back to those few opportunities I had of accompanying dad to the hospital so many years ago... And somehow, long after that memory was made and  buried, I was reminded of a letter I once wrote to dad's main physician. Was I so touched today because I was doing something that I never had an opportunity to do after my dad passed away? Accompany a lonely old man to the hospital, helping him feel less lonely, helping him feel like he still matters, feel like someone cares... That is a special something, something that did not cost anything, something that actually made me feel so good and beautiful inside.

Throughout our time together, he thanked me again and again for taking the time out to assist him. And again, as we parted, he thanked me for taking the time out to accompany him for those few hours at the hospital. I smiled, and said anytime he needs help, he can ask for me. As I patted the elderly man, and the lady, on the shoulder, I quietly thanked them for giving me the opportunity to feel good and kind.

Quietly, I also thanked him for giving me the opportunity to again accompany a man to the hospital, and for allowing me to relive memories of my precious few moments with dad...

sleeplessness

Lying in bed for over two hours already, and it's past two thirty in the morning. However hard I try, whether listening to music or watching my breath, I cannot sleep...

Or am I simply afraid to sleep...?

10 November 2011

Stopping treatment

Mum just told me that my uncle has decided to stop his chemo treatment.

This can only mean one thing eventually. A matter of years, months, weeks, or days...?
When I last saw him, I said I'll go back to see him.

And I hope I will see him again.

The news is hard to digest as it is. So very hard...




"Let our smile be filled with the pride of youth And may it offer the most sincere prayer to tomorrow ... Who can bear to see his sorrow's of yesterday Take our smile away ? Sing out your passion, Extend both your hands. Let me embrace your dream, Let me own the true heart of your face. Let our smile be filled with the pride of youth Let us hope that tomorrow will be better..."

Love Life


 Sixteen year old Dora (1995-2011):

"Please help us to live life to the fullest, okay?"




Love Life is a campaign started by three terminally ill children at the Taipei Veterans General Hospital, and Dora was one of them. The campaign enjoys the support of dozens of famous Taiwanese celebrities, artists and singers, and aims to raise awareness about the plight of children with Down's Syndrome, cerebal palsie, autism, and cancer. And importantly, it reminds us all that whatever you are going through, "love life"...


"I've once felt helpless, disappointed and fearful toward this world. But when I think of my family, I love them even more. I love my love with even more vigour ... Please love life, and never give up".

"Life is just love. This love is a very broad kind of love. It's a kind of giving."

Call

Sleep was so horribly disturbed, and I could not pry myself out of bed until past eleven in the morning. It wasn't that I was tired physically. It was just mentally my mind was so restless throughout the night and early morning that my eyes refused to open and my body refused to get up...

A dream, I had. A nightmare in which I was speaking to mother on the phone. She sounded normal, but then at one point said something along the lines of "things are about to change" (coincidentally, much like the message of the previous post). Just as I was about to ask what was going to change, she told me.

"The doctor said I have to operate. Otherwise it'll be too late. The operation is tomorrow..."

I think I cried on the phone. Cried, as in cried out loud, or cried as in cried tears?

I don't remember. But I do remember my mind being so tormented and that my mind was rushing back to be with her. I do know that by the time I get back there, she will have been operated on... Will I even get a chance to see her again...?

The dream/nightmare was so horrible I 'shook' awake at close to five in the morning. I had to brace myself and shake my head to shake away the images and vivid conversation I had with mum. I went back to bed, and by the time I woke up next, it was already too late to call mum (in real life).


Changes

Big changes are afoot. I can feel it. I can sense it. Changes that may radically uproot me from my comfortable surroundings, changes that will alter plans. Uncertainty provides challenges, but also a welcome change.

I need to prepare myself for whatever happens, and not fear or hope for whatever outcome comes out of it all. "Surrender to outcome", and let it all just blow over me.

08 November 2011

Time after time...

I'm not sure what my friend is playing at, if he is at all playing with me, toying with my feelings and hurt. But more and more he's been calling me and contacting me. Is it out of concern for my wellbeing? Is it out of pity for having hurt me and left me for someone else? But everytime he calls, or when we see each other in person, we seem to get into that mode of the "way we were". Being playful, being flirtatious, longing to be touched and hugged by the other person.

I just feel it is so wrong, all so confusing. Why would he call me so much when he wants to be, or already is, with someone else? Is he trying to "normalise" our relationship, and prove to me, prove to himself, that he can still be there to support me, to comfort me, even if he is with someone else? I truly do not need pity, because I can get on by on my own... As hard as it is, I will and always have been able to get back on my feet. I may hide, I may hurt deep down inside. I may been down and depressed, but somehow I've always been able to pick myself up and move on, even dealing with the worst of things in the worst of times... I especially don't need him  to call me or come see me because he feels bad about 'abandoning' me for someone else. As I told him outright, I'd rather be alone and hurt alone than have him come to me and comfort me, and then leave me and leave me  feeling lost and confused.

At times, I  just want to there to be more distance between us. We have, ever since we met, hung around each other, done so many things together, been so completely comfortable and intimate with one another. But things are different now, things are complicated now, and I don't want to be in the way of anything. I don't want to be involved even more than I have been for the past year or so. I just want a break from this... Break from all this confusion, from all this sadness of seeing him with another person... break from this painful realisation that the fantasy and dream of us being together and building something strong and lasting together.

I need to forget, I need to move on. I need not be reminded everytime I see him of the "way we were"







...after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--

if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time...

taking care


"If there is no one to take care of you, you take care of yourself..."

My heart floated and sank, a feeling, it seems, that has become a ritual every morning soon after waking up. Did she say that to me, or is that what I should be tell her?

She wished me good morning, I wished her good night. She is just about to end her day, I'm just about to start mine.

With that our brief few minutes of daily overlap and interaction ended.

07 November 2011

Different now

We had a lovely dinner with friends, sat diagonally across from one another, and I found my ex occasionally wink at me. I'd flirt back, tempted to poke him and touch him under the table, like we used to. Dangerous mind games, innocently playing and fooling around like we have always done. It's what I've always loved between us... Whether together by ourselves or in front of our friends, we've always had this capability to be cheeky, to be naughty (and dirty....), and not feel the least ashamed about it. Instead, it makes me laugh, cracks me up, and fills me with such warmth and longing  to send my ex lewd messages and put on seductive facial expressions in public.

But things are different now. Right in front of me, right in front of everyone, he was busy typing away, exchanging messages with (I can only imagine) his lover. I blink away and try not to notice, but how can I not notice and become hurt? How can I not think what is my ex doing flirting and winking at me and then (I can only imagine) vehemently texting someone else? Can anyone do that and not at all feel conflicted and guilt-ridden? I'm not blaming him, not cursing him for leaving me... but it hurts to be left behind and to see your lover dive so quickly into another relationship (of some sort)... All that we were, all the fun, laughter, and all the sublime intimacy we ever had... do they mean nothing anymore? Can it all be subsumed by another person so quickly and covered over with something new, someone new, like sand blowing in the wind?

He walked me to the metro, and quietly we said goodbye. Normally I'd give him a big hug, hug him so tightly and forcefully with all my love and care, and shower his cheeks with kisses, like I've always done. But it just felt so awkward now, so unnatural. And I told him that... before, every night out would end with us either going back to his place or back to mine. But that has changed, it does not feel right, does not feel natural anymore. That was before. Now is now, and things have changed. He has somehow moved on, whereas I'm still stuck in the before, hurting myself, frustrating myself...

So I tapped his arm gently, and headed down the escalator. My eyes became misty, and I didn't turn around to look back. Normally, I would, and I knew he would probably be standing there. But I didn't want to see him, because it hurts too much... He rang as I was about to get on the metro, not sure for what reason. We spoke briefly until the reception broke off...

I know now why I was nervous before, nervous talking with my ex's parents.

Because deep down inside, I'm a naive child who still believes in dreams and fantasies. Because deep down inside, despite being told and seeing that my ex wants to be with someone else and not me, I still cling onto hope that he will turn around and be with me and we'd live happily ever after... I was nervous, because it did feel like I was talking to his parents, the "in-laws".

And I felt like I needed to "prove" myself, to show that I'm worthy to be with their son, that I'm good enough. I felt like everything I said, everything I did, would be looked at and scrutinised as if they were a measure or  symbol of my deep love and affection for him (and so much more. It felt as if everything I did or said would somehow tell his parents that they can rest assured that their son is safe and cared for with me. Rest assured in a way that my own mum would like to see me settled down and cared for byh someone before she...  How silly and naive of me to continue to think in a way that we are still together, and that I need to prove myself or impress anyone in any way...

But with each passing day, with each painful realisation, that naive dream, that beautiful yet hurtful fantasy, fades more and more... And does he realise it himself?
 
(Just heard a song on radio, but can't find a clip of it... But it describes so beautifully and simply how I feel inside now. 


It's a rearrangement of Mozart's "Soave sia il vento" in the opera Così fan tutte (School for Lovers) to modern lyrics, a choral called My Love...
The lyrics goes something like: 


My love for you has never died
I'm always thinking of you
I heard you are with someone else
But my love for you has never died, 

I dream of us together again. 
I hope to meet you someday as friends.
But you are my love forever, you are my love forever, my love forever more. 

The “in-laws”


Why I was so nervous? Why should I have been? They’re just the parents of my friend. Granted, parents of my ex-boyfriend, who perhaps still believe we are together. But truth is, we’re not. So why did my heart start to beat  irregularly and my mind go completely blank the moment I heard their voices?

I’m shy talking to strangers, I know, and I have what you might call “phone fright” (fear of talking on the phone…). But I was really struggling to string words and sentences together. I was stuttering, and probably sounded like I’m poorly educated or that my English was poor… which made me even more nervous, because I know from my friend that especially the mother is picky on correct English. My throat just tightened and coherent words and common sense completely escaped me.

I have met both parents before, and my ex says they (seem to?) have a good impression of me (for some reason or another…). They are really lovely people. And when my friend talks about his parents, I listen with great interest, and from time to time, I think of them and wonder how they’re doing. But rarely have I spoken to them. Once or twice, just to say hello, and briefly chat. But this time it seemed to be different.

I wanted to say thank you to them for help they are offering me. For one thing, I need help with some official documentation required for my Canadian permanent residence application. And recently, I’ve been in touch with them via email regarding a “special something” I’m working on. But once on the phone I kind of went blank. Just blank. Blank!

Perhaps they thought I was rude. Perhaps I sounded confused and disjointed. But, truly deep down inside, I was grateful for the help they’re offering me. So grateful I got emotional at one point, which made me probably sound even more incoherent and ridiculous than before… I wished I could have been more collected and been able to make small talk and conversation, but the nervousness choked my words and strangled my thoughts. Probably they are thinking right now “That boy is so strange...”

Was I trying or thinking too hard? Was I trying to “impress” them for some reason? Why did it feel like I was talking to "the in-laws"?

How very silly and ridiculous of me to make myself so nervous and worked up over nothing...


Mum's wish

"I'll write them a letter," mum said, "And I'll have to trouble you to take care of the rest..."

I reminded myself my face was visible through the video streaming half way across the globe. I braced my emotions, and told myself not to, not the first thing in the morning almost straight after waking up. Hopefully, the blurred pixels blotted out the tears that seeped from my eyelids. I forced a smile, a bitter, awkward smile, and promised I'd do it.

Over the last two days, mum got together with two of her old colleagues, one of whom moved to the countryside to take care of her parents. She invited my mum to stay over, and to visit the pristine eastern part of the island, where the air is clean, where hot water flows directly from hot spring water in the mountains. Mum said she had a wonderful time just chatting and reconnecting, over tea and nice healthy meals, with her friends. Lifelong friends, people she has been in touch with only occasionally over the past few years, yet the friendship is so strong they still can laugh together and cry together  when they talk about the past. One of them recently offered to drop by and stay with mum, cook for her and take care of mum's needs whenever she does chemo.

Mum told me a wish she had, something that came to her on her way home earlier. For a long time, mum has wanted to take her two friends to Europe, and they've talked about over the years. But everyone has family, everyone has a busy life, so that wish was never realised. "But I'd still like to take them on a trip to Europe, they have always been so good to me."

Mum's face was a little sad, but also showed a gentle calm as she said that. Perhaps that gentle calm comes from feeling so grateful for having friends who care about her, who want to come by and be with her when she needs her, and who told her that she is always welcome to visit and stay in the countryside, where the environment is better for her health.

Originally I thought mum was planning a trip soon with her friends, but then I realised what she meant when she said "I'll write them a letter". That realisation was painful, and again a reminder that there are things she wants to be realised, but knows perhaps she may not be around to see them realised. Even so, it is good to have dreams, to have wishes, and perhaps it is even comforting to know that even when you are gone, those wishes will live on, and one day be fulfilled. If not by you, then by your dearest friends, by your own child.

"We talked about you too," mum said, "They said you're a wonderful son..." Hearing that didn't help, and I struggled to contain my tears once again. I could only try, try like I've always tried before throughout my life, to be the son I see myself being. There is nothing "wonderful" about it. And I know there are times when I have disappointed her, been rude to her, been too hard on her. 

What she said after that made my heart sink and cry even more. "I told them what I have arranged for you, what I left you for your wedding day," she said, "It's not much..."

Mum does not realise that it is more than enough, more than I could possibly ask for. And I ask for so little. I want so little from her, from life. I just want to give her what I can, to try and make sure that she is happy. Happy alone, happy with her friends, happy every moment of every day. However many days there are, just be happy, be free!

I smiled at her, silently thanking her, silently grateful for thinking of me. Yet silently I was saddened to be reminded by the way she was talking that she knows perhaps she may not be around when (and if...) I do get married one day.