Time after time...

I'm not sure what my friend is playing at, if he is at all playing with me, toying with my feelings and hurt. But more and more he's been calling me and contacting me. Is it out of concern for my wellbeing? Is it out of pity for having hurt me and left me for someone else? But everytime he calls, or when we see each other in person, we seem to get into that mode of the "way we were". Being playful, being flirtatious, longing to be touched and hugged by the other person.

I just feel it is so wrong, all so confusing. Why would he call me so much when he wants to be, or already is, with someone else? Is he trying to "normalise" our relationship, and prove to me, prove to himself, that he can still be there to support me, to comfort me, even if he is with someone else? I truly do not need pity, because I can get on by on my own... As hard as it is, I will and always have been able to get back on my feet. I may hide, I may hurt deep down inside. I may been down and depressed, but somehow I've always been able to pick myself up and move on, even dealing with the worst of things in the worst of times... I especially don't need him  to call me or come see me because he feels bad about 'abandoning' me for someone else. As I told him outright, I'd rather be alone and hurt alone than have him come to me and comfort me, and then leave me and leave me  feeling lost and confused.

At times, I  just want to there to be more distance between us. We have, ever since we met, hung around each other, done so many things together, been so completely comfortable and intimate with one another. But things are different now, things are complicated now, and I don't want to be in the way of anything. I don't want to be involved even more than I have been for the past year or so. I just want a break from this... Break from all this confusion, from all this sadness of seeing him with another person... break from this painful realisation that the fantasy and dream of us being together and building something strong and lasting together.

I need to forget, I need to move on. I need not be reminded everytime I see him of the "way we were"

...after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--

if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time...