Different now

We had a lovely dinner with friends, sat diagonally across from one another, and I found my ex occasionally wink at me. I'd flirt back, tempted to poke him and touch him under the table, like we used to. Dangerous mind games, innocently playing and fooling around like we have always done. It's what I've always loved between us... Whether together by ourselves or in front of our friends, we've always had this capability to be cheeky, to be naughty (and dirty....), and not feel the least ashamed about it. Instead, it makes me laugh, cracks me up, and fills me with such warmth and longing  to send my ex lewd messages and put on seductive facial expressions in public.

But things are different now. Right in front of me, right in front of everyone, he was busy typing away, exchanging messages with (I can only imagine) his lover. I blink away and try not to notice, but how can I not notice and become hurt? How can I not think what is my ex doing flirting and winking at me and then (I can only imagine) vehemently texting someone else? Can anyone do that and not at all feel conflicted and guilt-ridden? I'm not blaming him, not cursing him for leaving me... but it hurts to be left behind and to see your lover dive so quickly into another relationship (of some sort)... All that we were, all the fun, laughter, and all the sublime intimacy we ever had... do they mean nothing anymore? Can it all be subsumed by another person so quickly and covered over with something new, someone new, like sand blowing in the wind?

He walked me to the metro, and quietly we said goodbye. Normally I'd give him a big hug, hug him so tightly and forcefully with all my love and care, and shower his cheeks with kisses, like I've always done. But it just felt so awkward now, so unnatural. And I told him that... before, every night out would end with us either going back to his place or back to mine. But that has changed, it does not feel right, does not feel natural anymore. That was before. Now is now, and things have changed. He has somehow moved on, whereas I'm still stuck in the before, hurting myself, frustrating myself...

So I tapped his arm gently, and headed down the escalator. My eyes became misty, and I didn't turn around to look back. Normally, I would, and I knew he would probably be standing there. But I didn't want to see him, because it hurts too much... He rang as I was about to get on the metro, not sure for what reason. We spoke briefly until the reception broke off...

I know now why I was nervous before, nervous talking with my ex's parents.

Because deep down inside, I'm a naive child who still believes in dreams and fantasies. Because deep down inside, despite being told and seeing that my ex wants to be with someone else and not me, I still cling onto hope that he will turn around and be with me and we'd live happily ever after... I was nervous, because it did feel like I was talking to his parents, the "in-laws".

And I felt like I needed to "prove" myself, to show that I'm worthy to be with their son, that I'm good enough. I felt like everything I said, everything I did, would be looked at and scrutinised as if they were a measure or  symbol of my deep love and affection for him (and so much more. It felt as if everything I did or said would somehow tell his parents that they can rest assured that their son is safe and cared for with me. Rest assured in a way that my own mum would like to see me settled down and cared for byh someone before she...  How silly and naive of me to continue to think in a way that we are still together, and that I need to prove myself or impress anyone in any way...

But with each passing day, with each painful realisation, that naive dream, that beautiful yet hurtful fantasy, fades more and more... And does he realise it himself?
 
(Just heard a song on radio, but can't find a clip of it... But it describes so beautifully and simply how I feel inside now. 


It's a rearrangement of Mozart's "Soave sia il vento" in the opera Così fan tutte (School for Lovers) to modern lyrics, a choral called My Love...
The lyrics goes something like: 


My love for you has never died
I'm always thinking of you
I heard you are with someone else
But my love for you has never died, 
I dream of us together again. 
I hope to meet you someday as friends.
But you are my love forever, you are my love forever, my love forever more.